Love and Lust
by DylanMcKaysdreamgirl
Summary: This story is a reimagining of Season 3 of 90210 after Dylan and Kelly tell Brenda about their summer together. How does Brenda deal in the aftermath of Dylan choosing Kelly? Is Dylan really in love with Kelly? BH 90210 really inspired me to want to write my own young adult fiction. This is my homage to my favorite show. Happy reading and writing! (I don't own these characters.)
1. Chapter 1

"Love and Lust"

"I hate you both never talk to me again!"

Dylan watched the girl whose heart he had just smashed into a zillion pieces walk away. The girl who he had loved. His first love. They had once craved each other with a heat and passion beyond their years. But now it was over. He was with Kelly. He kept watching as the too bright sunlight of the day glinted off Brenda's black leather jacket. The leather made her look tougher. Tougher than he knew she really was right now because he'd just broken her.

"She'll be okay," he said to Kelly but mostly to himself. He had to say it because the realization that he had just crushed the girl he'd loved like no other was too much to bare.

"Will we," Kelly murmered as she watched her best friend walk out of her life. She'd never had a friend like Brenda. They had shared everything together and been through the toughest moments. She'd never pictured in a million years that she would steal Brenda's boyfriend from her but that was exactly how it felt. She'd tried to convince herself otherwise when they walked over to Beverly Hills community park today to tell her that she and Dylan had decided they wanted to be together. The sun had felt so bright with the start of her new relationship with Dylan. She finally had him after a summer of torture and lust had almost completely overpowered her while Brenda was in Europe, and she'd spent half of senior year miserable having to see Brenda and Dylan together all the time. She should be happy. So why did it now feel like the storm clouds had just burst open and were raining on her parade.

Dylan finally turned away from watching Brenda walk away. If he stared any longer he would have to go after her. He looked at Kelly, the girl he'd chosen. He thought of that night in the pool. She'd wrapped her legs around him in the water that night, and he'd finally chosen. He wanted her. Wanted to taste her, and finally have his way with her. Fuck her brains out really. Practically every guy at West Beverly fantasized about doing the deed with thee Kelly Taylor. He'd known that probably a lot of them had but it didn't deter him. He cared for Kelly. This summer it had felt like he'd fallen in love with her but when Brenda came back his feelings for her became muzzled and he didn't know what he'd really wanted anymore. Part of him wanted to get Kelly back to his place and finally fuck her wild on his bed, but the other part of him wanted to bang his head against a wall and go drop down in a ditch because he knew right now at this moment he'd lost Brenda forever. His Brenda. She wasn't his Brenda anymore. He was going to have to get used to that.

Kelly bit her lip not really knowing what to say next. It was Friday they wouldn't have to see Brenda again until Monday. She and Dylan had the whole weekend together to relax and start get to know each other. They'd known each other since Kindergarten although they hadn't really talked about their old school days ever really. That was until Brenda had left for Europe. They never really talked about much of anything before Brenda left. Kelly always lusted after Dylan like all the girls in school did but he'd always been so wrapped up in Brenda when she'd brought him into their inner circle. Now she had him all to herself. Why did that make her feel like such a bitch. Maybe it was because her best friend had tears streaming down her face at this moment. Kelly tried to shake the feeling off as she took Dylan's hand. He hesitated for a moment, but then enlaced his fingers with her. There, that was better wasn't it?

"You want to go back to my place?' Dylan asked Kelly.

"Sure." Kelly didn't hesitate. She gave him a nervous smile. He tried to smile back but everything felt so strange now. It didn't feel like that night in the pool. Something felt heavier now. A part of Brenda was still between them even though he'd just broken up with her. He tried to pretend he didn't feel it.

Kelly tried to pretend the same thing as they started making a detour walking back to Dylan's house. They didn't want to run into Brenda again on the way home.

Chapter 2

Brenda burst threw her front door. The tears were practically blinding her, and she was gasping for breath. It felt like she was having a heart attack. She couldn't catch her breath. She headed for the stairs. She took them fast, and then her boot slipped a little and she almost collapsed. She gripped the banister as her tears fell down onto her lips. Finally, she made it up the stairs. She hurried into her room ripping her leather jacket off. The jacket felt like a million pounds of iron on her back. But it didn't matter the world was still on top of her shattered and broken. The sky was falling. Dylan was with Kelly now. Dylan and Kelly were together. Dylan had cheated on her over the summer with her best friend. Kelly

had put her hands on Dylan over the summer. Dylan chose Kelly. Her Dylan. It was over. In a single moment she'd lost the love of her life and her best friend. The pain felt like it would knock her unconscious. Dylan and Kelly's words floated through her head and body like a million knives stabbing her over and over again.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror now. Looking back at her was a girl. She'd never seen this girl before. This girl had no more hopes or dreams. This girl had nothing. This girl was destroyed. Next to her image she saw pictures lining the sides of the mirror. Pictures of them. Pictures of two of the closest people in her life. People she'd loved, and trusted, and shared intimate secrets with.

Brenda approached the mirror and in heaping sobs her arms reached up ripping the pictures down. They fell to the floor and around her like pieces of sky. A sky that no longer existed. Finally she could bare no more and let out a horrible screaming cry as she collapsed onto her bed a broken woman. The sobs were the only reminder that she was still alive because she felt more than dead inside. This didn't feel real, but it was. It had really happened.

Hours or maybe years later she felt someone shaking her awake. For a split second she felt like being in that park had been just a dream but then as her eyes opened up to her mascara stained bedspread and she knew it had been real.

"Bren...Bren what happened? Bren are you awake?" It was the voice of her brother Brandon.

Brenda rolled over and standing behind Brandon were her parents. They were looking around wildly at all the pictures and objects she'd knocked off her dresser and walls. Brenda burst into tears again. She could barely get the words out as Brandon hugged her and her parents consoled her. Her dad finally had a real reason to hate Dylan.

Chapter 3

Dylan and Kelly fell down onto his bed. They kissed hungrily as Kelly lifted her shirt over her head, and Dylan started unbuttoning his pants. Kelly fell onto the bed, and Dylan watched as Kelly's blond hair fanned out around her. The same way Brenda's dark brunette locks had before her.

Kelly looked up at Dylan as he pulled his shirt off now. She giggled a bit, but then her eyes fell to the comforter and sheet print around her. This was the first time she had been in Dylan's bedroom, and seen his sheets. But that wasn't what was catching her attention. While this was her first time seeing Dylan's sheets, how many times had Brenda seen them? The smile and laughter fell away from her lips. She was about to have sex with her best friend's boyfriend. Sex in the same bed Brenda had sex with him in.

Dylan immediately noticed Kelly's expression. It was the same one he wore now. He let go of Kelly's legs as the mood in the room changed.

Kelly sat back up. It was too soon. She couldn't possibly have sex with Dylan right now. Was Dylan thinking the same thing?

"What is it Kel?" Dylan asked

"I think you already know," she said icily.

"Yeah maybe it's too soon." Dylan couldn't believe what he was saying. He had been wanting to fuck Kelly silly for like almost a year now. He'd imagined this moment over and over again since the summer. So why did it feel like this?

Although Brenda and him had had a super hot sex life and had sex countless times since the summer. They'd even snuck away during school one day and fucked with the hood up inside his porsche in the school parking lot. Brenda was wearing this sexy tank top that drove him wild that day and these hot worn in jeans that made her ass look like a perfect plum. In spite of all that he still was just a young guy and he had started to wonder if he was getting too serious with one girl while they were still so young. He'd missed playing the field like he had before Brenda had captured his heart and mind. He was just a dude in the end. A dude with raging hormones and constant fuck fantasies like all the others.

There were other problems. He'd been sick of Brenda's dad who had always been such an uptight asshole towards him. He knew her father deep down hated him and wanted him far away from his daughter. Her father always thought Dylan was a no good lying thief like his own jail bird daddy. Dylan wouldn't have been surprised if old Jimbo had counted the silver every time he left their house.

Fuck Jim Walsh. He didn't want to think about that right now. He had Kelly fucking Taylor lying on his bed so he should have been thrilled. Kelly could stay the night if he wanted her to. She didn't have any Jimbo to answer to. He knew Jacky Taylor- who was definitely a milf by the way- wouldn't give a shit what time Kelly came home. Jacky just had a baby and had other things to worry about.

His mind drifted to that day in his porsche with Brenda. He'd remembered the way they laughed and sweated all over his seats. The way Brenda's silky hair had felt in his hands as he fucked her senseless. The way they'd smiled like too sickly happy fools as they walked back into school. His porcshe had always been their private hideaway.

"Dylan...?" Kelly wondered what the hell Dylan was thinking about. Their first time together was definitely not happening today. The mood had totally collapsed.

Dylan turned his attention back to Kelly. "Maybe we shouldn't do this now." He'd never uttered those words in his life. He felt completely turned off now. Kelly was beautiful and was his girl now but the stress of the day had been too much.

"Yeah I think I'd like to just go home." Kelly put her shirt back on wondering why her legs weren't wrapped around Dylan right now. It was what she had been dreaming about. Maybe she would tell Dylan to get some new sheets.

Chapter 4

Brenda spent the rest of the weekend in her room. She sat on her bed now reading something she knew Kelly Taylor couldn't even pronounce. Brenda hated her. She hated her best friend because she realized she had never been a best friend. What best friend could ever do this and live with herself. No, Kelly was her enemy now. The devil with blond hair. She'd somehow mind fucked Dylan and here Brenda was sitting on her bed. She hadn't showered or eaten anything all day.

Brenda couldn't take the silence anymore. Her eye fell to a CD still on the floor. She got off the bed and picked it up. It was the REM CD she and Dylan had listened to the night they first broke up. At the time nothing had ever felt as bad as that. Now she would give anything to feel the way she had then. Brenda took the CD out of its case and popped it in her player.

"Ohhh life... it's bigger its bigger than you and you are not me..." The song Losing my Religion filled up her room. She bobbed her head to the song remembering that night in Dylan's car. She'd thought she'd been pregnant, and was scared to death that if she kept seeing Dylan she would end up knocked up in high school. She'd missed him so much when they were apart at that time, she'd wondered how she'd even survived. This was a billion times worse. This felt like a death. The Dylan and Kelly she knew and the life she'd thought she'd had were over. In its place was just her room and a song. Their song.

Brenda played the song over and over trying to pretend in her mind that it was last summer, and she and Dylan were just on a sort of break. But every time she stopped to look at the pictures of them all together she felt sick to her stomach. She'd even run to the toilet when the pain became too unbearable and heaved up the nothing that was in her stomach. She was dreading school on Monday. She felt like never going to school again. She would just live in her room for the rest of her life. She never wanted to see sunlight again. All she wanted was her bed and the four walls of her room. The soft feel of her bed quilt around her.

Brandon had come home from the Peach Pit and entered her room briefly. She told him he didn't have to talk so softly. Although she was completely destroyed she didn't want to be treated like a victim. She wouldn't let Kelly the whore and Dylweed the asshole have that satisfaction too. Brandon mentioned that Kelly had asked how she was at the Peach Pit. The sound of Kelly's name was like nails going down a chalkboard. Brenda wanted to never hear her name again. As far as she was concerned her friend Kelly was dead to her, and so was Dylan. She'd wished she'd never met either of them. She wished her family had stayed in Minneapolis and she could feel like her old self. Not like this shell of a person who was just existing in a room. Her soul had been lit on fire with life by Dylan and Kelly. They had been the greatest friends she thought she ever knew. But now that fire was extinguished and in its place was a gaping deep hole heavy with ashes. Heavy in her stomach. This hole could never give her peace again.

Brenda was actually kind of pissed at Brandon's behavior. She wondered why he'd even spoken to Kelly. She didn't have the heart to fight with her brother too so she just threw a stuffed frog at him and he left her alone. Brenda wondered though why he wasn't threatening to kick Dylan's ass. Back when she and Dylan had first started dating Brandon had made such a stink about it, but now he was acting like it was just another day in Beverly Hills. Fuck.

Brenda stared at all the old remnants of her life with Dylan. So many beautiful poems he'd written her, and poetry books he'd given her. Endless cards, and movie stubs. Ticket stubs from all the Paginini performances they'd watched. There was a blood donation receipt from the time she and Dylan had given blood together on Valentine's Day. So many photos crowded the bed. She and her friends had done so much together. They weren't her friends anymore. Her life would never be the same again. It would be so much emptier.

Monday finally came around and it was time to go to school. It had been the worst weekend of Brenda's life. She could barely make it out of bed but managed to throw on a flannel and her favorite worn in jeans. She put on what little make up she could but when it was time to go downstairs for breakfast and meet Brandon for her ride she couldn't do it. She sat in her room until her father came into console her. She cried into his arms as her eye makeup rolled down her cheeks. She actually ended up being late for school. Her father offered to drop her off at school instead of Brandon this morning.

Brenda made it through her first few periods, but she couldn't really hear what her teachers were talking about or what anyone was talking about really. It felt like the world was moving along for everyone else but for her it had stopped. She walked through school like a zombie. She wanted to be back in her room listening to Losing My Religion but she couldn't let Dylan and Kelly make her flunk out too. They weren't worth it.

She made it to lunch time and realized she didn't know who to go sit with. She'd always had lunch with Kelly, Donna, and Dylan before. She was in the outside quad wondering if she should just ditch when she finally spotted them. Dylan and Kelly having lunch together on a bench in the middle of the quad. Dylan's arm was around Kelly's shoulder and Kelly was kind of leaning into him. She noticed other people looking at them too and wondering what the hell was going on. Some who passed her gave her a strange look like "don't you see your boyfriend with his arms around your best friend." Brenda couldn't help but gawk at Kelly and Dylan. Lunch had always been her favorite part of the day sometimes she and Dylan would sit under their favorite trees to get away from everyone. A few months ago they'd even sat in Dylan's car and fucked wildly. They never got caught. Brenda remembered the way Dylan had clutched the back of her hair as they made love or fucked hard she decided. She remembered yelling out his name hoping nobody around had heard her. It had been the greatest pleasure. Now it was her greatest pain. Brenda couldn't bare the sight of them anymore and she turned around to get the hell out of there. That was when she slammed into Donna.

"Bren there you are I haven't seen you all day."

"Donna..." Brenda looked up at her friend. She'd been avoiding Donna too. If Donna was on any side but hers it was going to be like losing two friends with one shot.

"What's going on. You seem so out of it," Donna said puzzled.

Brenda didn't answer her as her gaze fell back on Kelly and Dylan. Dylan was sniffing Kelly's hair and she was swatting him away and laughing. What a couple of assholes.

"Oh my god Bren...Dylan made up his mind."

"Apparently..." Brenda replied icily.

"Bren you know when you guys gave Dylan that ultimatum this might happen."

Brenda crossed her arms and leaned against the wall closing her eyes. She wasn't in the mood for this shit right now.

When Kelly and Brenda had originally asked Dylan to decide who he wanted to date of course Brenda had been completely disgusted that Dylan was even considering going out with Kelly. She'd figured though that Kelly was just a girl who had had a long time crush on Dylan, and that when she got the chance to go out with him after they broke up briefly earlier this semester she just read too much into her one chance he'd given her. She'd never thought that Kelly had that much more of an upperhand on her after probably fucking Dylan over the summer. When they told her about the summer they'd swore they hadn't slept together but no way did Brenda believe them for a second.

"What I didn't think was going to happen Donna was Dylan and Kelly telling me they'd been screwing around together this summer. Kelly was seeing Dylan while we were in Paris Don..." Brenda told her friend point blank.

Donna looked completely shocked. "What you're kidding. It can't be true Bren, I couldn't picture Kelly ever doing something like that to you."

"Don it's very true because it came right from their mouths. They confessed finally after six months of lies."

Donna couldn't believe it. She couldn't picture her best friend since practically birth doing something like this. But then again maybe she could. When Kelly wanted something she always got her way. Weather it was a pair of pumps they were both eyeing in the store window, or deciding what movie they were going to see to which guys were hers for the taking. Donna remembered the way her friend used to flirt shamelessly with Dylan before Brenda moved to town. One time she'd even told him during algebra that her mom was out of town for the weekend and wouldn't be home. Dylan didn't seem surprised since all the guys at West Beverly knew that Jacky Taylor would be out somewhere on a coke bender on the weekend. There was always a party happening at Kelly Taylor's house. Dylan flirted back with Kelly expectantly but Donna could tell he wasn't really sincerely into it. It was a sixth sense she picked up from being looked at as the shy dumb one in her lifelong friendship with _thee_ Kelly Taylor. The guys always flirted with Kelly while Donna hung back observantly gaining an eye for details. Donna knew when a guy was really into Kelly or when he just wanted to show up to school on Monday and brag to his buds that he'd banged her over the weekend. Donna figured Dylan just didn't see Kelly as any different from all the other girls at West Beverly. Kelly was a girl who liked to party, shop, gossip about her classmates, and then party some more. Dylan wasn't into any of that. Donna used to spot him alone, reading quietly on the stairs at lunch or she'd see him surfing and having bonfires at the beach by himself before the Walshes had moved to town. Kelly Taylor always seemed far from his mind. What had changed? It didn't matter now Donna could see her friend was shattered.

"Bren...let me talk to her...let me try-"

"Donna I know you're already thinking Kelly and I can work this out, but let me tell you we can't. It's over between Kelly and I and Dylan. I'm sorry but wherever Kelly is I'm not. I've gotta go Don, I'll call you later." Brenda ran her hands over her bangs and hurried off. She had to get out of there. She knew Donna and Kelly had been friends since long before she moved to town. She didn't know if she should expect Donna to cut Kelly off completely, but she knew she couldn't stand around right now and listen to any excuses for her.

The bell to signal the end of lunch period rang out and Brenda hurried back upstairs to her locker. She decided she just wanted to get her books and get the hell out of school for the rest of the day.

She was at her locker when a blond head popped up beside her locker.

"Brenda..." Kelly said nervously.

Brenda should have expected Kelly to not even give her a day of not having to see her blond bunny face after that confession.

She slammed her locker shut as hard as she could, and began to walk away. Anywhere away from a lowlife like Kelly Taylor wouldn't be far enough.

"Brenda please don't shut me out like this," Kelly's pathetic voice cried out.

Brenda stopped dead in her tracks and turned around facing Kelly. She looked at this girl. They had shared so much. Brenda had looked up to Kelly and considered her like a sister. She had been wrong though. She didn't know this girl. All she saw was a stranger and a spoiled rotten bitch upset that she finally had to face the consequenses of her actions.

"Kelly you have Dylan now what more do you want." Brenda turned back around leaving Kelly standing there with her mouth hanging open.

Brenda walked all the way out of West Beverly. Outside she took a big gulp of air feeling a bit of relief at having just spoken her last words ever to Kelly Taylor.

#

Kelly watched her friend walk away. Brenda's words burned a hole through the air. She leaned back against Brenda's locker thinking of all the times they had met up here discusssing the gossip of the day or to walk to their next classes together, and now it was all over. Brenda really was through with her. For the first time tears burned down Kelly's face realizing what she had really done. The pain she had caused her best friend. The choices she had made over summer and all through senior year. Kelly Taylor was finally reaping what she had sown.

#

Dylan sat in his car debating if he should even finish the rest of the day. There were three periods left after lunch. He and Kelly had gone public today and it had sent the West Beverly gossip mill into overdrive. Normally he never gave a shit about any of that talk. He was used to the kids talking about him, and making up stories. Before he and Brenda had dated exclusively there was all this talk about his conquests and which girls he'd slept with all over school. Sometimes girls even lied and said they had slept with him for popularity points. He remembered all the times he'd heard the words alcoholic and drug addict whispered as he walked through the halls of West Beverly passing people he didn't even give a shit about getting to know. He barely knew their names. He remembered the girls he would fuck in the bathroom during class when he got bored enough of all the talk and just needed a release from his mundane life of heading back to the Belage Hotel and staring at the hotel staff. He used to sit in Dad's private suite for hours with a book in his hand waiting for some call from his parents. He would wonder where the fuck they were and why they'd forgotten they'd had a son. When his father would finally come home he'd bring back a high priced Beverly Hills hooker escort to the suite and he'd overhear his father fucking some lowlife woman for hours. The women would often come out of his room and do blow on the coffee table right in front of Dylan. Sometimes Jack would even kick Dylan out for days at a time when he'd be entertaining those women. During those times he'd grab whatever liquor Jack wouldn't notice was gone and drive his car to the beach and just sit staring at the waves too numb and drunk to even surf with only a bottle in his hands. Sometimes he'd even thought about blowing his brains out. He knew his parents wouldn't even notice if he was gone for weeks probably. When his thoughts got too dark he'd write in his journals, or just keep drinking until he'd pass out. Sometimes writing was the only thing that kept him from going over the edge. That had been until the Walshes had moved to town and he'd met Brenda.

Brenda was unlike any girl Dylan had even known. She was like the lone real flower in the bouquet of artificial plastic that was Beverly Hills. Shy and beautiful yet dynamic and fiery Brenda was in a class by herself. He remembered the first few times he'd caught glimpses of her around school before he even knew she was Brandon's sister She looked so out of place but curious. One time he saw her quietly reading on a bench during lunch. Her dark brown hair was gently blowing around softly in the breeze. He'd so badly wanted to go over to her that day and ask her what she was reading, but heading out to his car to get drunk was also very tempting.

A week later he discovered she was Brandon's sister when he pulled up in the Walsh driveway to come take Brandon and his old girlfriend from Minneapolis to this hot club he used to frequent. Brenda had been impatient to get to some baby-sitting job or some shit like that. She'd hardly noticed Dylan, but he'd remembered her from that day at the bench reading. He hadn't thought anyone in West Beverly remembered what a book was up to that point.

A few weeks later he'd spoken his first words to her at his locker. She was so beautiful but shy. He was so curious about her. She being Brandon's sister made her all the more interesting. Brandon Walsh was just about the realest guy in school, so Dylan had known that his sister had to be pretty special. Kelly had also been at his locker that day. She'd come over to him asking him some shit about hair or something. Whatever she'd said just sounded like jibberish after locking eyes with Brenda that day.

How times had changed now that he and Kelly were dating. Dylan had known Kelly for a long time, but they had mostly flirted about stupid shit. He could tell sometimes she might have been harboring a thing for him but he didn't think much of it. He never had thought they had much in common. He recognized that Kelly was very good looking and wore the hottest clothes, but she seemed way too materialistic and into herself. So what had changed this summer?

Maybe he had changed. After months of sneaking around with Brenda over her father's dissaproval of their relationship, and Jimbo threatening him with statuatory rape charges something in his soul had burnt out a bit. He couldn't take the struggle anymore. He loved Brenda deeply but it was all getting to be too much pressure. At the end of the day he wanted to see what else was out there. Although he knew Brenda might never speak to him again, part of him also wanted her to see what else was out there. Maybe there was more for such an amazing person as herself than having to cater to a recovering alcoholic cheater who'd been lying to her about almost fucking her best friend over the summer.

Dylan felt disgusted with himself. He didn't think Kelly was a bimbo, but he knew she was screwed up like him. Screwed up in ways that he thought Brenda could never fully understand.

Dylan was about to turn the key in his porshe ignition to roll out of there for the rest of the day, when he saw a flash of dark hair hurrying out of the school. It was Brenda. She looked as sad and as destroyed maybe even more so than she had a couple days earlier at the park.

Dylan could tell from the way she was running out of school that she was also ditching the rest of the day. He didn't have to wonder why. He and Kelly hadn't exactly been discrete with their lunchtime display of affection. What was he thinking carrying on like that knowing how much hurt he'd caused her.

He watched as Brenda wiped tears out of her face. Her face was red and puffy, but she looked so beautiful. He opened his car door a crack to call out her name and run to her as he watched her begin to walk away from the school. Then he remembered he was the reason she was ditching. He'd done this to her. What right did he have to go after her. He didn't deserve to breathe the same air as Brenda Walsh anymore. He watched as she got further and further away. The girl he'd loved. The one who had made him cry, and write poetry and who'd he'd begged to take him back when she'd first broken up with him. The girl whose body he'd caressed and explored who'd he'd shared his deepest secrets with. He had told Brenda that he'd once been suicidal before her. She'd listened and not run away. And now here she was running and he was just letting her go. Dylan almost wished he had warned her when they met to spare her the pain. It was unfortunate such a beautiful soul as hers had crossed paths with someone as despicable as himself.

#

Kelly walked out of school hurriedly and rushed down the front steps of West Beverly. Dylan said he was going to give her a ride home today since they had rode to school together. She hadn't seen him though since lunch. Where was he? Kelly hated to hang out in school any longer than she had to be here. She wasn't exactly the extracurricular type. That had always been Brenda's department. Kelly winced thinking of her friend. She hadn't seen Brenda since that scene at her locker earlier. It had felt like the longest day. Kelly's thoughts grew more paranoid as she began to realize she didn't know where her "boyfriend" was. She couldn't spot Brenda around either. She tried to ignore the irrational thoughts swimming around her head. Dylan had chosen her. She hated to hurt her best friend but it was what it was now. There was no going back to the way things used to be.

Kelly waited and waited until the lot cleared, and half the school was gone. Where the hell was Dylan? He had never been late to give Brenda rides home. Kelly silently fumed. She was sitting on the steps when suddenly she saw Brandon hurrying out of the West Beverly doors.

"Brandon." Kelly said.

Brandon had almost walked right past her he turned around. "Kelly hey what are you still doing here."

"I should ask you the same thing," Kelly said.

Brandon stammered for a minute. He and Kelly were the only kids still around. West Beverly seemed so quiet. He had to admit even though he was pissed at Kelly for what she had done to his sister he had to admit she looked beautiful today. Her gorgeous blond hair looked like clouds of silk against her stylish blazer.

"Uhh Andrea and I had some last minute stuff to go over for the paper before we put it to bed."

Kelly made a funny face.

"The paper that is..." Brandon stammered kind of laughing but sort of embarrassed at the same time. "What are you still doing here?"

Kelly looked down at the steps. After a moment she said. "Dylan was supposed to take me home, but I have no idea where he is."

Brandon made a face. He didn't really know what to say. Dylan had always given Brenda rides home. Normally when he'd get home from his shifts at the Pit after school Dylan would be there most nights and he and Brenda would be studying together. This whole change was weird for him. He didn't understand how Kelly didn't find the whole thing weird herself.

"Look Kel I don't really want to get involved." Brandon turned around without saying goodbye jingling his Mustang keys in hand ready to get out of there.

Something was bugging him about Dylan and Kelly being together. Of course most of it was what they had done to his sister. But somewhere inside he felt maybe a bit dissapointed.

"Brandon..." Kelly hurried after him grabbing onto his shoulder to get him to slow down.

"What Kelly?" Brandon whipped around. "I've got to get to the pit."

"Look Brandon, Brenda is your sister and you have every right to be on her side. I get it. But you have to know I never meant to hurt her. That was never my intention in all of this-"

"Look Kel I really don't want to get into this right now. The fact is you did a really messed up thing to Bren. Just standing here talking to you right now feels wrong." Brandon admitted sadly. Kelly had always been his friend to. He had once told her he had loved her like a sister when she had tried to hook up with him years ago at the Spring Dance. For a long time he had believed that, that Kelly was like a sister to him, but maybe that was just because she was always hanging out with his siter. Looking at her now he felt a different kind of loss. He knew he wouldn't be seeing her around anymore at the house or hanging with Brenda. The thought made him sad. He would miss her. Not like a sister he decided.

Kelly sank back a little. "Then I guess a ride is out of the question then huh?" Kelly bit her lip.

There it was that kind of dangerous look that Kelly Taylor could give you. Brandon knew he was putty in her hands again. Just like when she had practically twisted his arm to go to the Spring Dance together. He watched as her blue eyes looked down sadly. He couldn't say no.

"Come on..." Brandon motioned for her to follow him, as Kelly quickly obliged.

Brandon opened his passenger side for her and caught a whiff of that blond hair as she quickly got in the car. He shut the door. Rolling his eyes to himself.

#

Brenda didn't know what to do. She was up in her room home early from school. Her father was at work, Brandon was still at school, and her mom was out running errands. She had the whole house to herself and she didn't like how that felt. She'd never just ditched school before the day was over. That had always been Dylan's department. Countless times he'd wanted to but she's always been too goody goody to do it. Too worried about her GPA and missing homework assignments. Kelly had also used to try to convince to her to ditch. She always wanted to go shopping or to the beach, or just go back to her place and take a swim. Brenda had always talked her out of it. Brenda felt the tears coming again. They were never far away now. She was getting sick of crying. Sick of the tissues filling up her wastebasket. Sick of the tangles in her hair and the dark circles that wouldn't go away now under her eyes. No wonder Dylan had taken up with Kelly. The two of them could do whatever they wanted now. Ditch to their hearts content. Hell maybe they were doing it right now. Fucking on the beach. The waves crashing over their bodies. Or Kelly was breathing in the sweet smell of Dylan's leather car seats mixed in with Dylan's scent of saltwater and fresh cut grass. The smell used to intoxicate Brenda's senses. She could smell him in her dreams still. She could taste it on the tip of her tongue. But he wasn't really there. He never would be again.

She started to cry and cry some more until she could make out her black eye makeup on her already dirty pillow sheets. God she never thought this would be her life. It was like time had stopped. She was trapped in her room watching the world going on without her. A world that didn't seem to notice or need her at all. Once again like she'd done since she found out, she cried until she was numb and drifted into a restless sleep.

#

 **2 Months later**

Dylan sat across from Kelly at the Peach Pit as she blew bubbles into her soda. He wondered what the hell she was doing. Where was the sophisticated sex pot he'd discovered over the summer. He stared at her trying to stifle a frown.

#

Kelly sat and blew bubbles into her soda. She didn't know why she was doing it. Maybe she felt a little bored and like the mood needed to be lightened. Dylan was so serious all the time. She just wanted to have some fun. He'd just taken her to see some super long classic silent movie. Dylan had been totally enraptured by it but Kelly had been bored to tears. Aside from surfing, she decided Dylan had some really dull hobbies. All he liked to do was read boring books with outdated language, and watch movies with captions. She must have missed a dozen great parties in the last few months since they'd officially become a couple. Dylan hated parties and pretty much anything that resembled fun. Kelly wondered why he didn't just hang in the library all day since anywhere they went he seemed to despise noise and general human happiness. I mean she couldn't totally complain though. They had a really hot sex life. They did it constantly. At Dylan's place, at hers, in Dylan's car, in the shower. The sex was great. She cared about Dylan, but everytime they finished having sex this sort of emptiness would take over her and settle in the air between them. Like it would only be a matter of time until she was at the next boring movie, or listening to Dylan talk about some old dead author who lead a miserable life. The sex always good, but when they weren't having sex things seemed to be rolling down a hill and Kelly didn't know how to get them back on track again. If they ever were on track that is. Kelly could tell Dylan wasn't exactly thrilled with her bubble blowing at the moment.

As she looked up from her straw mid-bubble she caught Brandon's eye from across the Peach Pit. He was behind the counter taking someone's order but he was looking right at her and gave an amused smile. Like he'd found her bubble blowing cute. Dylan on the other hand was not amused. Kelly brought her eyes away from Brandon's as his went back to his customer.

"Thirsty Kel?" Dylan asked waking her out of Brandon's gaze.

Kelly looked at Dylan. He was still this big unsolved mystery to her. She felt like even though he was hers and she his she hadn't even begun to crack the surface of the great Dylan McKay. She still felt like there was something she wasn't getting. She was desperate to find out what that was. Plus he was so incredibly sexy. That little scar and annoyed superior look on his face turned her on endlessly.

"Always," Kelly said sexily in this little voice she used whenever she wanted to get her way.

Dylan gave her back his approving look. Kelly reached across the table and put her hand on his. Dylan took it carefully.

Dylan gave his shy little smile. "So what did you think of the movie?" he asked her sincerely.

Kelly pulled her hand away quickly.

"The movie?" she said nervously.

"Yeah the movie? What did you think? I mean I couldn't really tell?" Dylan offered her.

Kelly was surprised. _Couldn't really tell?_ Her eyes had to have shut at least ten times during the thing or whatever it was that they'd seen. Kelly didn't even know the name of it. All Kelly remembered was scenes of old guys talking and bad fake rain falling and of some lady crying and looking out a window. It went on and on. The whole time Kelly had been wondering what she was going to wear to school tomorrow. She couldn't tell Dylan that. She stammered for a moment but all of a sudden she was saved by the Brandon.

"So do you guys need anything else tonight?" Brandon stood over their table. Looking down at them. His spatula tucked cooly in his apron. He perfect popador gelled on his head, and his bright green eyes sparkling and curious. He smiled genuinely at Kelly and winked.

"Hey Brandon," Kelly said greatfully so thankful for the distraction from conversation with Dylan.

"Yo B," Dylan saluted his best friend.

"So Kel did you happen to know I was the bubble blowing champion of 5th grade." Brandon smiled a big smile.

Kelly looked down bashfully and laughed. "Sorry hope I wasn't being too loud."

"Hey what's the point of a coke if you're not even going to use it for bubble blowing." Brandon offered.

"My thoughts exactly," Kelly said sarcastically. Looking back at Dylan who hadn't even seemed to have really heard them.

She and Brandon smiled at each other as Brandon cleared Dylan's third coffee away. That was another thing about Dylan that Kelly didn't understand. He could drink coffee morning, noon, and night but it never seemed to put him in a chipper mood. He still remained quiet and sullen no matter how much coffee he drank. Kelly wondered what his point was drinking it but she didn't bother asking. Just like he didn't bother asking why she always felt the need to point out her new shoes to him, or ask him what he thought of her hair in a certain style. These were all questions between them that would never get straight answers.

"So what's on the agenda the rest of this evening?" Brandon asked.

Just then the little bell over the Peach Pit door jingled, and Kelly was shocked to see Brenda walk in. She hadn't seen her here in over a month. She gaped at her as Dylan and Brandon followed her gaze.

"Hey twin sister, what's the rumpus?" Brandon called out encouragingly to her.

Kelly could tell by his voice he was just as shocked to see Brenda here as she was.

#

Brenda's eyes locked with Dylan's then to Kelly. She halted in her steps just by the Peach Pit door. Damn it. Of course they would be here the night she decided to make her return to the living. Over the last month she hadn't done much of anything but sit in her room after school and read. Donna had tried tons of times to get her to the movies but she hadn't been ready. School had started to feel like a monastery to her. She would go to class, and she ate lunch everyday in the library alone. Donna told her she'd meet her all the time, but Brenda wasn't up for it. She just couldn't deal with her friends interrogations and her classmates curious stares, and endless gossip about the great girlfriend switch of Dylan McKay. She began to sink into her alone time as if she had never really had any friends or been with Dylan. Being alone, had started to feel like the only way she could get through this. She must have read close to 50 novels in the last month alone. Books were her best friends now. At least they would always be on the same page she'd left them on when she returned. If only her friendships and Dylan could have been like that when she returned from Paris.

Brenda quickly looked away ignoring her own brother's greeting. Afterall he was over there with Dr. Jeckyl and Mrs. Hyde right now. Brenda strided over to the counter and took a seat next to an old man who was smothering his fries with way too much ketchup. The sounds around her of silverware clinking, and the jute box playing started to overwhelm her senses. She took a couple of deep breaths letting it sink in. She could do this. She had to do it. Dylan and Kelly didn't own this place. She wouldn't give them the satisfaction anymore of keeping her locked away forever. She could taste the betrayal on her tongue as fresh as it had been a month ago. Her craving for a Mega Burger started to go away. Who could eat with the non stop hollow brick inside her stomach everyday. Her stomach answered her by growling, but she still didn't feel much like ordering anymore. She picked up a menu off the counter and used it to block them out of the scene. She sat reading the same description of a Mega Burger over and over again until someone came over gently pushing the menu down from her face.

"Hey Bren." It was Brandon. His eyes shined hopefully back at hers, but he was still speaking to her in that new whisper voice he was always using with her now since that day. Brenda hated that voice.

"Brandon you don't have to talk softly," Brenda told him for the zillionth time.

Brandon smiled sincerely. "I know it's just great to see you here."

"Thanks," Brenda answered. She could feel herself blush a bit at the fuss he was making at her. But maybe it was actually the feeling of being in the same room with Dylan and Kelly together that was causing a dizzying heat to spread over her. Brenda gripped the counter to steady herself.

#

Brandon wanted to ask Brenda what finally had gotten her out of the house, but decided against it. It was just great to see her. He and his parents had bee so worried about her. She wasn't the same Brenda anymore and he didn't know if she ever could be again after what had happened. It was just great to see her here. It was a start.

He served her a grilled cheese with tomato then put down a fresh slice of peach pie al a mode on the house for her. It was compliments of him and Nat.

"How was everything?" Brandon asked his sister trying not use that quiet voice she said she hates.

Brenda wiped her mouth with a napkin. "Mmm everything was great. Glad to see the food hasn't lost its touch since I've been gone."

"With you back darlin everything tastes better tonight," Nat said standing behind Brandon's shoulder.

"Thanks Nat," Brenda replied. To the corner of her eye she could feel Dylan and Kelly getting out of their seats to leave. She didn't want to look but it was like a strong magnet was forcing her head to turn in their direction. It was a reflex she couldn't control.

Dylan's eyes bore into hers as Kelly trailed behind him. She looked down and could see Dylan had a hand in hers. She raised her eyes back to his. She couldn't read his expression. It was something between sadness, anger, and indignancy. Brenda turned back to the melting ice cream on her peach pie, and swirled it around with her fork. It started to look kind of gross.

" Later B," Dylan gave Brandon their complicated handshake that involved a loud snapping sound. This was the closest Dylan had been to her since she found out.

They had a few classes together at school but she'd managed to just make sure to sit far away from him. She even got a new lab partner in chemistry. After chem class a couple weeks ago he'd actually called her name out in the hall after class but she just kept walking. There was no way she could hear what he had to say. It was like they had never really known each other. All that was left from her relationship with Dylan was sitting in a box in the dark garage back home. Just getting the stuff out of her room had been like trying to carry a box of cement blocks around.

She could even smell his scent now he was so close. She took a moment and breathed it in but instantly regretted it. His saltwater and grass smell made her want to cry. She could feel her heart start to beat in a frantic rhythm, and her palms begin to sweat.

"See you man," Brandon said quietly to Dylan. Brenda could feel Brandon's eyes on hers again as she looked down at the gooey peach mess in front of her.

Dylan was so close that Brenda couldn't help but to turn to face him again. His eyes looked right into hers. They were like a dark ocean she could drown in forever.

"Hey Bren," Dylan said quietly.

Brenda couldn't have spoken if she wanted to. She looked down so tempted to curse him and that bitch out right here in front of everyone. But her lips wouldn't move.

"Brenda..." she could hear Kelly say now.

"I'm going to go put some quarters into the jutebox," she said to her brother chipperly ignoring them both.

She got up and walked right past them. Dylan was so close, but so far. She didn't know who he was anymore. He was not the person she'd fallen in love with so deeply. And Kelly. Brenda regretted the day she ever sat next to her in class. Kelly had just invited her to sit down because Kelly didn't want to sit next to this really overweight girl she used to make faces at. That should have told Brenda right then what kind of person she was., but she had been new in town and needed a friend. She thought she had found one, but she had been wrong, very wrong.

Brenda hovered over the jute box looking for a song any song. None of them seemed right. To her left she could see Dylan and Kelly talking to Brandon about something in quiet voices. Then, the bell jingled over the Peach Pit door again and she knew they were gone, just as she selected her song. Walking in the Rain by Del Shannon. One of her tears slipped down and plunked down onto the jute box as the first lines of the song belted out.

#

"Do you think she's ever going to get over it?" Kelly asked Dylan.

They were back at his place now, sitting on his futon couch. They had been quiet driving back to Dylan's from the Peach Pit after seeing Brenda.

She'd totally blown them off like usual. Kelly felt numb, but partly disgusted too. She didn't know if it was with Brenda or with herself. Despite what Brenda thought she really hadn't meant for all this to happen the way it had. It was killing her that Brenda was hurting so bad, but she couldn't help the fact anymore that she and Dylan had gotten together. She couldn't go back and change the past even if she wanted too. It had happened.

Dylan sat down next to her opening a bottle of water. He didn't start drinking it though. He just twisted the cap around and around in his hand.

"I don't know Kel. I don't know if we can ever really expect her too," he finally said after thinking a moment, then sighing.

"I guess, but I mean don't you think she's being a tad over dramatic. I mean it has been two months already."

Dylan didn't say anything. He just stared into the television even though nothing was on.

"I just thought you know..." Kelly started

"I guess it is what it is. There's no going back now," Dylan stated as if he had been reading her thoughts.

"You mean you would do things over again if you could?" Kelly asked him point blank.

She didn't know if she really wanted to hear his answer.

"I don't know," Dylan stated honestly.

Dylan cared about Kelly a lot. They shared so many similarities, but he couldn't help the fact that these last couple months of not having Brenda in his life anymore had been awful. It was like a part of him had died inside.

It was like this dark cloud was hovering over his new relationship with Kelly. It seemed like they would never really get a clean start.

Kelly didn't know if she liked that answer, but honestly she didn't know either. She loved being around Dylan. It was amazing having access to his world. She'd always been so curious about him. Despite the fact that he seemed to be into things that didn't really interest her, she still found _him_ interesting. She didn't know if she was ready to give that up.

Before she could think about it too much she and Dylan were kissing. Then they were fucking hard. It was amazing. Their sexual chemistry was off the charts. They moved from the futon to Dylan's room naturally. Kelly could stay the night so they fell asleep.

In the middle of the night Dylan woke up suddenly. He could see the outline of Kelly laying next to him in the dark shadows of his room. Her silky blond hair lay partly on his chest. He tried to shut his eyes and go back to sleep, but he couldn't. He'd been dreaming about her. About Brenda. In his dream they were talking about something, anything, everything. He didn't know they were just talking and talking. Then they were laying in the grass looking up at the clouds together. It had been beautiful. So peaceful and sensual. There was nothing sexual in the dream but laying in the grass with her had felt so erotic.

Dylan stumbled out of bed trying not to wake Kelly. It was surprisingly not impossible. He would never tell her because she would be horrified but Kelly Taylor could snore like a sailor. When she fell into a deep enough sleep she was out for the rest of the night. He knew by now, after all the nights she'd slept over. Jackie didn't care when she came home apparently.

Dylan stumbled into the hall footing his way into the kitchen with only his boxer shorts on. It was a dark night. And his bungalow house felt kind of hot and uncomfortable.

He threw open the refrigerator door, but then closed it with a thud.

He walked back to the futon and threw on his jeans and and shirt he and Kelly had thrown off in the midst of their fuck session tonight.

Once he was dressed and his shoes were on he grabbed his keys off the table, and walked outside jumping into the speedster. He cruised around until he found an all night liquor store. Once he found one a ways out of Beverly Hills, he bought a six pack of beer and threw it in the backseat not knowing where he was headed next. The piece of shit liquor store guy had sold it to him without even asking for an ID.

He knew though there really was only one place he really could go tonight. He drove himself to the beach, and parked. He knew this spot well. It was the spot where he and Brenda had first broken up about a year and half ago. He still even had the CD of their song in the glove compartment. The sound of REM Losing My Religion began to fill up the air, as the waves thrashed and crashed in the hot winds.

Dylan reached into the back seat grabbing the six pack. He pulled one off the ring popping the tab. He stared at it for a minute as the song lyrics banged against his head. He could almost smell the scent of Brenda around him like some kind of phantom of her was in the car with him. Her sweet cheery scented shampoo mixed in with this intoxicating misty perfume she would wear. He couldn't stand it any longer. He arched his head back as the liquor went down his throat drowning out his taste for her. One by one each can flowed through him until he was faced with only a too bright sun, and the taste of sawdust on his lips.

#

Kelly rolled over and opened her eyes. She pushed her wispy blond hairs out of her face, to find that it was morning. She could hear a bird outside chirping and she smiled to herself. The smile didn't last long though when she realized Dylan wasn't next to her.

She sat up with a start looking around the room wildly. No Dylan. Wrapping Dylan's geo print comforter around herself she got out of bed and hurried into the hallway. When she made her way into the living room she still found no Dylan.

She opened the front door a crack even though she knew she was naked underneath the comforter. The Speedster was gone. He didn't even leave her a note. Slamming the door shut she walked back into the house and looked around at the nothing around her.

"Thanks Dylan," she said aloud to herself. Angrily, Kelly unwrapped the comforter off her body, and threw it to the ground in a heap.

Not bothering to pick it up she walked back towards the hall and started a shower and later dressed to leave. Before she left she made sure to step on the comforter on her way out.

#

Brenda closed the door behind her. She had just had her first appointment with her new psycologist Shelly Mitchell. Her mom had given her the number. She'd been recommended by one of the women in Cindy's book club. Whatever. Brenda really didn't want to go, but it was either go or figure out all the new ways she really didn't want to spend her time. She never considered herself one of those girls who needed to have a boyfriend to feel whole but she couldn't deny how bored she'd been lately. After her big night out at the Peach Pit she'd went home and watched a movie she'd already seen a billion times before. She thought of everyone outside looking up at stars, and dancing. All the lovers walking down a moon lit beach holding hands. She'd remembered how Beverly Hills used to smell at night when she'd be out with Dylan. It was the glorious smell of lilacs, with fresh grass and it bit of ocean mist hovering in the air. She thought of all the nights in Dylan's porshe laughing and listening to music with him. She'd felt so alive. Like every cell in her body was awake and moving. Now she felt like she was just watching herself go through the motions but she felt nothing. It was like she'd step out of her own body and was watching someone else live her life for her, if you could even call this living.

She talked to Shelly for a little over an hour. Brenda didn't know why but she just couldn't tell her about Dylan and Kelly. She wanted to but she just wasn't ready to relive the whole horror of it outloud. It made it too real. At least this way in her own mind she could pretend it never happened, that she never knew Dylan and Kelly. But she couldn't pretend for long. Not only was losing Dylan an agony she couldn't fully comprehend losing her best friend in Kelly was something else entirely. So many times she saw something at the store or thought of something funny she wanted to tell Kelly about. She'd forget sometimes for a split second that they weren't friends anymore. When reality set back in it was like a cold shower of icy needles was poured all over her.

Basically, Brenda had spent the last hour talking to Shelly about how she was having sleep problems. She blamed it on too much schoolwork. Whatever, Shelly had given her what she wanted, a prescription for some sleeping pills. At first all she could do was sleep, but now she found it was getting harder and harder to settle down at night. She'd been lying awake for hours wondering what Dylan and Kelly were doing. When she'd think of Dylan making love to Kelly she would sob into her pillow. The only reason her family didn't hear was because she'd bury her head into her pillow then put another one over her head then cover herself with her blanket. She'd finally awake in the morning exhausted and not rested at all. Then the day would go pretty much as the night before. It would be long and uninteresting. Just when she wanted to come alive in the night it would be time to sleep, but she couldn't come alive. Not without him. In her bed her eyes would be open in the dark. She'd think of everyone outside enjoying the night, the way she used to. She'd remember being so happy to close her eyes and dream of Dylan all night until she got to see him in the morning again at school. She used to leap out of bed. Sometimes Dylan would even wake her up with a phone call asking her if she wanted a ride to school. He was her energy. Her reason for the day. Now the day just seemed pointless. It was like the sun would sit in the sky taunting her. So bright yet mocking her. Lighting up the emptiness that now filled her days and hours. The sun was her enemy. The night was her imaginary lover leading her to another day of emptiness as the next morning went on and on bleeding into the next... It was an endless circle of misery.

#

Brenda took the bag from her pharmasicist that contained her new sleeping pills. She hoped they'd give her some solace. She just wanted to turn her mind off and stop the worry of what the future held for her. She just didn't want to feel anymore. Numbness would be her friend. She prayed tonight she'd get the relief she so desperately craved. She hoped tonight she wouldn't see his eyes staring back at her in the dark.

#

"Brenda," Dylan awoke with a start saying her name out loud.

Instead of Brenda answering a segull squaked overhead. Loud and harsh. Dylan started coughing. Then he lifted his head up over the side of the porsch and spit out the nothing taste in his mouth. The sun was beating down hot and strong. He put his hand to his eyes rubbing his face.

When he adjusted his vision he saw the beach in front of him. The waves cascading back and forth like liquid silk. The sand soft and tan. Families and lovers walking and running in the sunshine. Without her, it was the ugliest sight he'd ever seen.

#

Dylan walked through his front door. He had a hangover that felt like a thousand hammers were inside his head beating his brain and heart into pieces. He stepped back a moment when he saw his comforter on the floor in a messy heap. He wondered for a split second if he'd been robbed, but then he sort of remembered the night before. Kelly. Fucking her and then leaving. He picked up the comforter and stared at it a moment. Instead of taking it back to his room he threw it on the futon, and then his keys on the kitchen table with an angry thud. He knew she wasn't here. That she'd left. He didn't care really much at all.

#

Kelly pushed her way through the crowds at West Beverly. She didn't know if it was just her imagination but she could hear her name being thrown around back and forth through the crowd. Like little voices hovering over her shoulders.

 _"her best friend"_

 _"good fuck"_

 _"bitch"_

 _"they were still together..."_

She turned around wondering if anyone had the guts to say anything to her face. Instead they all just kept walking and so did she.

Kelly hated that her name was back at the top of the rumer mill like it always used to be Freshmen and Sophmore year. All the talk, the whispers, the looks, the long silences. Everyone knew about her and Dylan. She didn't know if that made her glad or not. She'd wanted to be with Dylan out in the open but she hadn't given the other part of that much thought. The reactions. How her friends and classmates would react to seeing her hugging and kissing on her very obviously best friend's ex boyfriend.

Donna had tried to remain impartial. Kelly loved Donna. They had been friends for so long, and she knew there was little she could do that would ever really make Donna turn against her save for fucking David. Yuck.

Andrea had seemed awkward and uncomfortable about the whole thing. David was not surprised since he'd seen her and Dylan together over the summer. She knew Steve was very jealous, but he was jealous of every guy she'd been out with since they broke up. And then there was Brandon. Brandon was definitely not cool with her taking up with his sister's ex-boyfriend. She'd felt though that his reaction wasn't quite anger though. It was more like a dissapointment in her. That day he'd given her a ride home from school it was like there was feeling of regret in the air between them. Brandon was dissapointed in her, and his dissapoinment bothered her which seemed ridiculous. She realized as she walked through the halls she was wondering where he was. Brandon that is. She kept her eyes peeled as the rumors and jealous dirty looks went on around her. If these people only knew that Dylan had left her lying alone in bed last night.

#

Brenda ran into the restroom inbetween class. She was glad no one was in here right now. She propped her bookbag on this sink, and began digging around in her backpack. Then she pulled it out her little orange bottle. This wasn't her sleeping meds it was an anti anxiety med Shelly had also prescribed for her.

Despite the fact that she was here facing the day school wasn't getting any easier for her. She hated it here now. West Beverly felt like a prison. Everyday in her mind she was counting the days until graduation. There was still three months to go, and she didn't know if she could possibly last that long being under the same school building as Dylan and Kelly.

Brenda unscrewed the cap after reading the pill directions. It said she should just take it once a day but didn't specify the time. She shook one of the little green pills out into her palm. She wondered how such a small pill like this could really calm her nerves. How could a small pill like this stop this humongous hole in her heart from consuming her in full. It didn't matter she'd try anything right about now. She unscrewed the cap on her half dranken Aquafina and washed the pill down. Some of the water from the bottle dripped down onto her green bodysuit and faded jeans. Great let all the kids think she pissed her pants. Then they'd understand why Dylan chose Kelly over her.

The pill went down kind of sour, and she zipped up her bag as she took a look at herself over the sink mirror. Despite popping her first sleeping pill last night and falling into a dreamless state she still looked like hell. There were dark purplish circles under her eyes. Her eyes didn't sparkle either. They looked tired and flat. She noticed the gray pallor of her skin as if she wasn't living in a sunny Southern California paradise. This was her now. She was defintely no Kelly Taylor in the looks department. Dylan must have thought so too. Stifling back a tear Brenda pushed her bangs away from her eyes and walked out of the bathroom.

#

Dylan didn't even know why he bothered showing up today. All he really wanted to do was hightail it to Mexico and leave everything behind here. He'd made such a mess of things he wondered if he should just go start fresh somewhere else. Away from Beverly Hills, and the whispers and accusations of his classmates. Away from his jailbird daddy. Away from all the people he had hurt. But he knew if he left he would never see her again. Brenda. He realized what got him to school today was the fact that he might catch a glimpse of her. After his drunken night on the beach he couldn't get her out of his mind. He needed to see her desperately, but at the same time he almost couldn't bare it. Because everytime he saw her he would have to just keep facing the reality of what he'd done. The descision he'd made. He had to live with his choices now.

He rounded the corner and then he saw her. Not Brenda but Kelly. He stopped in front of her feeling a bit guilty. It seemed like he should just change his name to Guilty Mckay these days. Guilt dripped off him like sweat.

"Hey Kel," he said tiredly.

"So thanks for the note," Kelly replied in her very Kelly way.

"Yeah, I'm sorry it's just I needed to you know clear my head a bit."

"Really, well were you even going to call me?" Kelly asked accusingly

"It was nothing personal Kel," Dylan tried to reassure her. He wasn't in the mood for a bitch out from Kelly right now.

"Really, well it seemed pretty personal to me Dylan. I sleep with you and then you leave me lying in your house like some kind of call girl while you're out god knows where doing god knows what." Kelly was seething. She pierced her red lips together, and sucked her cheeks in.

Dylan looked around suddenly and he could feel the eyes of their classmates watching their scene in the hallway intently. He hated this attention. Hated it.

He didn't know what to do or say to her, so he did what he knew how to do best. He grabbed the back of Kelly's hair and pushed her lips to his. Just to shut her up. Just to get his classmates to move the fuck on already. He could hear the snickers around them as he and Kelly sucked face in the middle of the hallway. Despite her anger with him Kelly kissed him back. At first she kind of resisted but then they fell into it. Kelly's lips made a loud sucking sound against his as she pulled away. She folded her arms and just looked at him. Dylan waited for her to say something, but then he saw her. Brenda. She was coming out of the bathroom and by the startled deer in headlights look on her face she had very much witnessed he and Kelly slurping face here in the hall. Dylan's stomach sank as his heart started beating wild in his chest. Fuck.

The look on Brenda's face was heartbreaking and it made him sick. They kept their eyes together for a moment. His were full of shame and regret but he didn't think she could see that as she suddenly looked away and walked off in the opposite direction trying to act like she hadn't just seeen them. Brenda looked like a ghost. Her pale skin and dark hair looked paler and darker than usual. She didn't look like happy go lucky Brenda anymore, but her still her beauty and the expression he saw on her face had stopped his heart. He could feel a ripping pain through his chest.

"Dylan...Dylan did you just hear me. So I'll see you at lunch?" He looked back now at oblivious Kelly.

"Umm yeah," Dylan said.

"Kay see you then," Kelly kissed him on the cheek and walked away.

Dylan felt dizzy. Like he was still hungover from the beach, but it was more than that. He wanted to go after Brenda and tell her it wasn't what she thought. But it was exactly like she thought. He'd broken the love of his life's heart for a summer fling. For her best friend. He hated himself. God, how he hated himself.

#

Brenda's eyes blurred as she hurried out of West Beverly. She didn't know how many times she had ditched school over the last few weeks, but it wasn't her fault that the faculty didn't bother to lock the doors.

Despite what she had just seen she couldn't even cry anymore. It was like the tears had dried up. In their place was a dark throbbing head pain. As she got outside the front doors of West Beverly she winced in the sunlight. Looking up at the sky she wished she could fly away from here. Away from Dylan and Kelly. Away from her thoughts of him. His dark eyes. The memories leave them down here forever. Just float up and into the sky until she wasn't even her anymore. She wanted out of her body. She wanted to float and leave herself behind.

Instead of floating she walked all the way home. Stumbling a bit through the streets of West Beverly Hills.

She wasn't going to go inside if her mom was home, but luckily Brenda saw that her mom's car was gone as she walked up the little grassy hill that led to her front door.

Back in the house she made her way upstars and threw her books down with a thud not even looking where they landed. She sat on the edge of her bed, and took a few deep breaths trying to calm herself. She didn't know if it was the anxiety pill she had taken at school that was making her head pound or what she had seen. Dylan and Kelly kissing passionately in the hallway. It was like no matter what she tried she couldn't get away from them. They were haunting her life and mind. She felt short of breath eventhough she was barely moving. Whatever that anxiety pill was doing to her it sure wasn't calming her down.

Her room felt like the walls were slamming down on her. Like they wouldn't let her breath. Looking for any relief her eyes landed on the little orange pill bottle on her nightstand. It was her sleeping pills. It was the middle of the day and the directions on the bottle said to take in the evening.

She unscrewed the cap and shook one out into her hand. She popped it in her mouth quickly. Crunching down on it she swallowed the dry pill dust down her throat. She didn't even get any water. Hurriedly she got under the covers of her bed and closed her eyes. Luckily, the sleep came quick and fast.

 _He just gets to me he always gets to me. He crys into her shoulder. She sooths him like before. Only this time she's crying too. They both cry hard and deep clinging to eachother as if they will shatter if they let go._

It was the middle of the night and the words echoed in her mind like a loud bang exploding all over her body.

She could hear his footsteps behind her and him grabbing onto her shoulders begging her not to leave. Then his lips burning through hers. The soft fabric of his jacket as her hands grabbed onto his back for dear life.

His face those eyes. His cries. Where was he. She was there but she wasn't. So badly wanting to get to him. Where was Dylan?

Brenda knew it wasn't real. But that night had been. The night of their first kiss. He cried in front of her. He'd let her see him. All of him. All the messy brilliance of him. His mystery unraveled. Fully clothed but naked and real. Dylan McKay.

Brenda swallowed hard pulling the blanket closer over her throat. Her family must have just let her sleep, but he wouldn't let her. She wanted to cry out in agony and begin sobbing, but what would that do. She could scream and cry all night but it woudn't bring him back to her. Dylan was gone.

#

Kelly adjusted her blouse while she waited for Dylan to meet her for lunch. She'd been so mad at him ealier but now she couldn't wait to see him. That kiss in the hall had set her on fire. She'd wanted to tell him she wanted to go back to his place and lye on his bed some more but she decided she needed to make him suffer a bit for leaving her last time. Still she couldn't wait to ravage him. She looked around but didn't see him. Where the hell was he now. Kelly checked her watch and realized there wasn't much of lunch left. Just great he'd ditched her again, and she'd eaten alone. Looking around the quad she tried to find some other friends. She spotted Donna and David sitting together on a bench. Donna had a kush ball in her hand that she was playing with, while David had on some headphones and was obviously rapping to himself. Kelly turned away quickly feeling embarrased for them both. David did have talent, but lunchtime rap was not exactly what she was in the mood for. Then she spotted Steve who was throwing a football around with Kyle Conners and this big goon Tony Miller who she'd heard through the grapevine had a thing for Brenda. She definitely wasn't going over there either. Then a ways up ahead of her she could see Brandon and Andrea. Andrea was holding a copy of the West Beverly Blaze in her hand, and was obviously lecturing and arguing with Brandon about something. Brandon looked annoyed and looked like he was doing his best to not walk away. He had his hands in the back pockets of his faded blue jeans as he listened. It was obvious Andrea was arguing with him about something in the paper. God, that fucking paper. Kelly really liked Andrea and everything but she was such a geek when it came to the school paper. She'd go on these rants about stories and deadlines and it was all Kelly could do to not tell her to relax and take a chill pill. Andrea really needed to get laid Kelly thought to herself smirking. For a split second she imagined Andrea and Brandon having sex, and the thought made her frown.

Finally, Andrea threw up her hands and walked off. Brandon rolled his eyes and started walking in the opposite direction. Quickly Kelly gathered up her lunch trash and hurried over to catch Brandon.. He was the only one of the gang she felt like saying hi to right now.

"Hey Bran man," Kelly said slyly rushing over to him.

"Hey Kel," Brandon said kind of annoyed.

"Whatcha doing?" Kelly asked in her baby voice she liked to use when talking to cute guys.

"You saw that?" Brandon asked. His voice was still full of annoyance.

"Yup I did, so what'd you do now? Not fill up the copy machine with paper?" Kelly teased him.

Brandon smirked. "Something like that. You know Andrea, if it's not going in the paper than what's the point?"

"That's Andrea, Kelly said. "So what did she want in the paper?"

"I don't think you really want to know." Brandon said seriously as he kept walking.

"Aww that means, I definitely want to know," she insisted, but Brandon just kept walking.

Kelly had to reach out and grab his shoulder to get him to stop.

"Brandon seriously tell me."

"I don't think so," Brandon answered quickly looking at her concerned.

Kelly folded her arms. The curiosoty now eating her up.

"Brandon I promise you can trust me," Kelly insisted speaking softer.

 _"Can I?"_ Brandon answered back snidely.

"What do you mean?" Kelly took a step back from him .

Brandon rolled his eyes. "I mean that Andrea wanted to write a story about you."

"About _me?_ What about me?"

"I think you know Kel?"

"Know I don't so please tell me Brandon."

"Come on Kel, haven't you heard all the talk around here. The endless speculation and gossip. Everyone completely fixated on what happened between you and Dylan and my sister."

"Oh my god Andrea was going to write about us?" Kelly felt too shocked too yell.

"Well, not exactly about you. More so inspired by you. Andrea wanted to write about why love ends and why men become tempted to cheat."

"What!" Kelly was livid. She would ring Andrea's neck. She would die before she'd let that appear in The West Beverly Blaze. Everyone would know it was about them. "You stopped her right. How could she?"

Brandon didn't answer for a moment. He just looked at her at Kelly. It was a shame a girl as beautiful and quick and downright pretty sharp as herself had to use all her gifts for the wrong things. Like enticing his sister's boyfriend to have an affair. God West Beverly was a regular episode of Days of Our Lives.

"Yeah I stopped her Kel. Told her the piece wasn't very fair since it was mainly going to point the man as the bad guy in the situation."

Kelly took a minute before answering. She actually finally felt embarrased. "You mean you think I'm the bad guy?" She realized it really bothered her what Brandon thought of her. Him standing there thinking the worst of her. She couldn't take it.

Brandon chewed on his gum furiously just looking into her eyes. "Honestly, Kel I don't know. I don't want to think that about you, but what can I think. Brenda's my sister so I have to be on her side."

Kelly digested that for a moment. "So what about Dylan? He just gets off scott free in your mind, while I'm the homewrecker whore?"

"Never said that Kel," Brandon answered sincerely.

"But you're obviously thinking it. Go ahead and think the worst of me. Everybody already and always does." Kelly couldn't take it anymore. She felt sick, but it wasn't about the rumors. She hated Brandon to see her like that. As some manjy whore who destroyed his sister's life. She and Brandon while maybe didn't know eachother as well as she and Steve did had always shared a certain understanding. Maybe it was their love for Brenda, but it was also something else. The Walsh's hadn't moved to town yet when Kelly was considered the school slut. They hadn't been there through the thick of it when guys were pushing her into bushes to take advantage of her. When Brandon looked at her, she always felt he was kind of of protective of her. Like he looked into her eyes and gave her the benefit of the doubth even when the other guys wouldn't. The other guys couldn't get past her reputation, but Brandon wasn't like that. He always listened when she spoke and treated her fairly. Brandon Walsh didn't judge. If Brandon liked you and considered you a friend than you knew you had a friend for life. That look on his face. It was like he could see her shame. Kelly always tried to stuff it away, but it was always there. Her insecurity and fears. Never feeling like she was enough or worthy. She knew she was popular but once you know what popularity was she knew it meant nothing really. Her popularity was like a veil she wore covering up her true self. She never thought people would like the real her so she always held back in certain ways. But who was the real her? She really didn't know anymore. She knew though that she didn't want to be this girl. The one who everyone thought of as a boyfriend stealing slut. She especially didn't want Brandon to think of her like that. She'd respected and admired him for too long.

"I'm out of here," Kelly stalked off leaving Brandon to his gum chewing.

"Kel..." Brandon called after her but she wouldn't turn around. "Kelly!" he yelled stronger, but she just kept walking. Brandon watched her go until her blond locks dissapeared within the sea of West Beverly. Reluctantly he continued onto his next class, but what he really wanted to do was go after her.

#

Brenda sat across from her family while Brandon went on and on about the latest issue of the Blaze and how Andrea wants the paper to be award winning this year. It just sounded like a bunch of talk to entertain her parents since Brenda wasn't exactly the most talkative these days.

She pushed her food around on her plate and wondered why she didn't say she was too sleepy to come down to dinner. Her eyes felt like they were dropping, and her head felt heavy. She couldn't rememeber anymore the last time she felt clear headed. Today had been one of her worst days on record and she'd had some pretty bad days lately. Actually they were all bad days now. Just a few months ago she'd been another person. She remembered feeling excited about the future and what life after high school would bring. Now all she wanted to do was go back to before all of this. Before she went away to Paris leaving Dylan and Kelly here to fall in love. She cursed the day she stepped foot on that airport shuttle and headed to the airport leaving Dylan behind. Brenda eyed her father and tried not to glare, as she pushed her mom's rosemary augratin around on the plate. Her dad was the one who came up with the Paris trip as a way to give she and Dylan some distance, and boy did it work. Not only had it given them distance it had destroyed their relationship forever. She loved her father and knew in his heart that hadn't been his intention for Dylan to fall for Kelly, but at the same time his interference had ultimately pushed them apart completely.

"Brenda?" her dad spoke up finally after Brandon decided to give his yapping a rest.

Brenda took a moment to answer as she looked up from her plate. She looked into her father's eyes. "Yeah dad?" Brenda answered. Everyone was looking at her concerend. Her mother was ripping up a dinner roll absentmidleldy as she looked at her father nervously. Brandon clasped his hands together at the table seriously.

"You know the school called me today and said you've been absent from your fifth and sixth periods lately. You mind explaighing what that's about?"

Brenda should have known the school would get back to her father eventually. She'd been cutting classes left and right. She couldn't make it though a whole day at West Beverly anymore. Today she'd cut most of the day after what she'd seen. Dylan kissing Kelly in the middle of the hallway in front of everyone. It was like he wanted the whole school to know he was with Kelly now. He might as well have just tattooed a giant K on his forehead. She already knew they were together but what honestly hurt the most was that he didn't seem to want to be discreet with Kelly at all. He flaunted it not caring if she saw them. He used to claim to care so much for her, and now it was like Dylan was another person entirely. He was another rich Beverly Hills guy who cared for status and having the hottest blond on his arm. Where was the Dylan who would read Balzac and shy away from attenton. In his place was this imposter Dylan. He was a man she didn't even know, but god how she craved him. She hated how much she still wanted him despite what he'd done. It made her feel weak and helpless.

Brenda closed her eyes at the table. When she opened them her family was still staring back at her questioninly.

"It's nothing dad, you know I am a senior now so does going to class really even matter?" She pushed some food into her mouth.

Her dad seemed bewildered which wasn't unusual. He seemed to take everything she did that he didn't approve of personally.

"Actually honey I think it matters very much. The school says if you keep skipping class you're going to flunk these last credits you need. They said they won't let you gradute if you continue to skip."

Brenda was shocked. She hadn't thought the school would try to stop her from graduating if she kept ditching class but apparently West Beverly was into hard else could go wrong in her life.

She took a deep breath. She wondered if she even cared about graduating anymore. Maybe she should just get out of here and start over somewhere. She'd never be the perfect little daughter her parents needed her to be, and who at school would miss her much anyways now. If she left town she would miss her brother though. They exhanged a look while her parents waited for her to respond. She'd noticed he hadn't cut Kelly off though, and it bugged her. Maybe it was for the best if she just got the hell out of here. First she'd start with leaving the table.

"Well thanks for dinner. I'll make sure to get to class. After all colleges really love to see basket weaving 101 on my transcripts." She pushed her plate away and hurried up to her room.

"Bren," Brandon called after her concerned but she didn't care.

It hurt her to leave her parents sitting there like that. They gave her a beautiful home and food to eat but it didn't matter. She was screwed up now. Maybe she'd always been screwed up, afterall she'd fallen in love with a guy who decided it was perfectly fine to go fuck her best friend.

She walked into her room, and found her pill bottle. She popped one into her mouth crunching down hard. It wasn't enough though. She shook out an extra one from the bottle and swallowed that too, soon a soundless sleep came and she was glad.

#

Kelly rushed through the halls. She knew the latest issue of The Blaze was out today, and she was horrified. As she walked though the halls she held her book bag a little tighter to herself wondering if people were still talking about her. She wondered if Brandon had told Andrea to go ahead with the story about cheaters and why love ends. Finally she got to The Blaze office and saw the stand with fresh copies of the paper stacked on top. She grabbed one quickly and hightailed it out of there before Brandon and Andrea could see her. At her locker she flipped through the paper then stopped when she got to _The West Beverly Thoughts_ section. This was the section of the paper where personal issues and West Beverly politics are discussed. Her heart stopped thumping when instead of the cheaters article she saw a story called _"Who's that girl? Why do we always assume the worst of people?_ By Brandon Walsh.

Kelly's heart started to beat faster as she read throught the article. Brandon talked about why is it that we always need to feel like we've got people pegged down into a category when there could be so much more to them than you ever realized. She loved it. Brandon was an amazing writier, and an all around great person.

Kelly smiled happily, and could feel herself blushing at her locker. She was so satisfied with what he wrote she didn't even notice Dylan as he appeared at her locker.

"Hey Kel," Dylan said kind of nervously.

Kelly grabbed the back of his head and pushed his lips to hers. Reading Brandon's article had put her in a great mood. She didn't even care anymore that Dylan had blown her off for lunch yesterday.

"So I take you're not mad." Dylan pulled away.

"Why would I be mad it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining and you're here."

"Yup, I'm here..." Dylan smiled back at her.

#

Dylan didn't feel like he was here. He felt a million miles away. He started to wonder he and Kelly were doing together. It had seemed like something that needed to happen this summer, but now it just felt like they were going through the motions. He wasn't present when he was with her, like he was with Brenda.

Kelly grabbed his hand as they walked to class together, but Dylan really wanted to hightail it to the exit and go get drunk.

#

Brandon looked away from Kyle and Tony going over the play by play of last Friday's football game in time to see Kelly and Dylan sucking face by her locker. Kelly had a copy of The Blaze in her hand, and she looked pleased.

Brandon was glad she was in a good mood but seeing her standing there kissing Dylan made his stomach drop a bit. It was a strange sensation. He'd seen Kelly kiss a zillion guys but seeing her now with Dylan was doing something to him and he didn't like it. It wasn't completely over what she'd done to Brenda it was what she was doing to him too. He liked her, not just like a friend. Kelly was beautiful, and charming. That was why he'd written what he'd wrote in The Blaze. He knew there was a lot more to Kelly than her sexiness, and hot clothes, and partying. She had layers. Seeing her with Dylan, Brandon wanted to curse himself that he'd ever turned her down two years before. What was he thinking. He and Kelly could challenge eachother. They were from two different worlds but that was what was so intriguining about her. If he hadn't been so stupid two years earlier he could have saved his sister gallons of pain as well as himself now.

He said bye to the jocks and went the other way as Dylan and Kelly walked off to class together.

#

Brenda walked through the halls. She never knew just finding the strength to come to school and get to class would take all her will but it did. Walking through the day felt like the biggest chore.

Every step through the halls of West Beverly was a reminder of what was and what would never be again. The pain of losing Dylan was like a knife she couldn't remove from her heart. Everytime she thought too hard about him, she could barely contemplate the future without him. It was going to be a long endless road of loneliness and regret. You don't just meet a Dylan McKay everyday. It had been a once in a lifetime love, but now it was over.

She walked the halls half listening to the familiar school sounds of lockers closing, and friends talking. David was playing music inbetween classes at the DJ booth. She would see couples holding hands and kissing between class. They were so carefree and alive. She felt like a walking corpse compared to them. She was here but she wasn't. When had life become so unbearable. The pain wouldn't leave, it was sticking to her like glue. God, how she missed him. God, how much she needed him. Dylan. Speak of the devil. She rounded a corner and smacked right into him. Dylan McKay stood right in front of her.

#

Dylan left Kelly to her class. He'd only been half listening as she ranted on and on about some article Brandon had written in the school newspaper today. He was still hungover from last night. He'd ditched school and spent the rest of the day at the pool hall getting wasted. It was a familiar haunt for him. The booze wasn't really helping though because he could still feel all the things he was trying to push out of his mind. The thoughts of what a liar he was. Of what a coward he'd been to lie to Brenda for months and months. How he'd humiliated her. How he was using Kelly for sex but knew deep down they weren't in love. How'd he'd broken Brenda's heart and destroyed their relationship forever. Brenda. She stood right in front of him. His drunken haze had caused him to knock right into her. He hadn't been this close to her since that day in the park. He took a moment and just greedily stared at her, instead of getting out of the way.

#

Brenda looked up into his eyes. They were staring back into hers as if they'd never left. He looked beautiful. His hair was a little longer than usual, and he looked a little messy but he was still Dylan. She looked away from his eyes trying to go around him quickly.

#

"Brenda," Dylan said aloud as she tried to go around him. He didn't want her to leave. He wanted to take her in. God, she was beautiful. That long dark hair, and her pale eyes. She wore some faded in jeans with cowboy boots and a black wanted to take her and push her against the locker. Feel her soft lips next to his. He wanted to grind into her the way they used to laughing and free. He wanted to see her eyes shining, and her face happy and glowing like when they were dancing in Baja or making love in his Porsche. Her eyes didn't look like that now. She looked tired and sad. He knew he caused it. She was suffering like him. Only she didn't deserve it the way he did.

She ignored him and kept walking. Dylan couldn't take it. He grabbed her hand and turned to face her.

"Please talk to me," he begged.

Her mouth moved like she wanted to say something, but she let his hand go dropping it in disgust, and walked away quickly.

#

He grabbed her hand. He wouldn't let her go around him. Dylan. His eyes were bloodshot, and he smelled like booze. It was pouring off him. She wanted to tell him she knew he'd been drinking but her lips couldn't form the words. He wasn't hers to care about anymore. Dylan drunk. Dylan fucking Kelly. She didn't know who he was anymore. He was in the body of the guy she'd loved but it was like his soul had been taken and replaced with an imposter.

Before she could start crying and breakdown right there he hurried away. After all he didn't really want to talk to her. He was drunk, and not in his right mind. She couldn't let him see her crack. She ran off even though all she wanted to do was stay. All she wanted to do was help him. Make him strong, but it was her who wasn't strong. She was still in love with him, and it hurt like hell. She hated herself for loving someone who could treat her like this. Who could take off with her best friend as if they'd never meant anything to each other. As if she hadn't lost her virginity to him, and almost lost her family for him. They'd fought so hard to be together, and he'd just given up on them. He'd given up on her.

Brenda stopped in front of her next class, but instead of going in she went to the bathroom. She knew her pill bottles were waiting for her at the bottom of her bag.

#

Dylan hit a locker as Brenda ran away from him. Then he leaned against it and banged his head. He deserved everything he got. He deserved for her to never speak to him again. He'd failed her. Dylan Mckay was a failure. He knew the universe wasn't surprised.

"Dylan is there a problem?"

Mrs. Teasely the school vice principal stood in front of him now. She was eyeing him strangely.

Dylan hurried away answering, "no problem," as he ran his hand down his face.

"Dylan," Mrs. Teasely called after him, but he just kept walking. To where he didn't know. Maybe he'd just get the hell out of here again. He could hear the six pack back home in his fridge calling his name.


	2. Shaking Hands

" **Shaking Hands"**

Kelly didn't know where the hell anyone was again. She couldn't find Dylan, and when she looked for Brandon she found him sitting with Andrea at lunch but when she made eye contact and waved at them he got up and left. She wanted to go over and tell him she loved the article but he didn't look like he wanted company at the moment.

Kelly found herself alone again. Donna hadn't even waited for her after art class to eat lunch together. It was like all their friendships were falling apart. The things that used to keep them together had been unraveling little by little. Kelly blamed herself of course. She never thought single handedly she'd be the destruction of "the gang" but here they all were avoiding eachother. It was sad.

"Hey Kelly you're looking good baby." Kelly whipped around and saw Tag Darren looking her up and down in a pervy way.

Kelly was taken back by how he had just spoke to her. She and Tag had always been friends and he seemed to accept that's all they would be. He never talked to her like that.

"Oh hi Tag." Kelly crossed her arms over her chest self-consiously.

"How you doin'? Where's Dylan?"

"Umm I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine."

"Well how bout you and me go have a little "lunch" if you know what I mean." Tag practically had drool running down his chin.

"What?" Kelly was shocked and not sure she was hearing right.

"Come on Kel. Let's go make a little beach action of our own happen."

Kelly didn't know what to say for a moment. This was totally getting out of hand. Not only did everyone know she and Dylan had cheated on Brenda they also knew it happened at the beach. What next?

"Go to hell Tag." She stomped away from him and back into the hallway. As she walked inside she practically slammed into Brenda coming out of a bathroom stall. Kelly stopped cold in her tracks.

Brenda looked terrible. Her eyes were bloodshot and red and she had huge circles under her eyes. She looked like she'd been crying.

Kelly wanted to say something, but what was their possibly to say? Brenda glared at her and stormed off.

Kelly turned around and watched her go. How had everything fallen apart like this?

#

It was all Brenda could do to not sock that two faced bitch right in her plastic nose. She was ready to get the hell out of there again but her hands were shaking too hard. Her heart was racing. She felt dizzy. She walked out into the lunch quad and didn't know which way to turn. Finally she kind of walked toward the back behind the gym building. She needed to get a grip on herself.

"Nice flannel." She heard a voice say. She looked up from where she had slumped down next to a water fountain. She saw Jefferson Stanley hovering over her.

Jefferson was this stoner kid who never really went to class or did much of anything. He'd managed to not be expelled yet though somehow.

"Oh hi, sorry I can leave," Brenda said trying to sit up a little.

"No, no worries just hang. It's all good," Jefferson answered.

Brenda shrugged and slumped back down against the wall. The truth was she really had no energy to go anywhere. This was it for the moment.

"Oh okay, and umm thanks." Brenda smoothed out the dirty flannel she'd been wearing almost everyday lately. She had sort of stopped giving a shit about her appearance. It seemed so pointless doing things like brushing her hair or changing clothes. There was no one to impress anymore.

"Brandy right?" Jefferson kind of slurred out smiling.

"Brenda actually." Brenda corrected him.

"Right Brenda. You're the one with that bitch of a best friend Kelly Taylor. You know that blond whore who used to tell everyone I had leprrocy.

Brenda didn't really recall that but it must be true. Kelly gossiped about everyone. She'd never given it a second thought but she relized now how much goosip could hurt. Even loser stoners like Jefferson had feelings apparently.

"She's not my best friend." Brenda corrected him.

"Well good, then you don't have to leave." Jefferson smiled. He kind of had a nice smile she thought. His teeth were kind of yellow but he looked happy enough.

They were quiet for a moment. Then Brenda smelled a kind of stinky skunk like smell. She looked up and Jefferson was smoking a big fat blunt. He inhaled deeply while bobbing his head to himself he started humming too.

Brenda coughed a bit. The smell was gross. None of her friends smoked weed. Even Dylan Mr. Surfer seemed to stay clear of it. Brenda frowned thinking of him.

"Damn what's wrong?" Jefferson asked her all concerned like.

"Huh?" Brenda answered back briiliantly.

"You look so sad. Like you just lost your best friend or something. Oh wait I guess you did huh? Sorry."

He didn't say it in a mean way. Even Jefferson the school stoner knew about Dylan dumping her for Kelly. God she hated this place. Didn't anyone actually give a shit about schoolwork here besides who is fucking who.

"Come on girly. McKay's an asshole. You know he once stole my friend's flask she brought into school. He told us no drinking in school and then later we caught him out in the parking lot guzzling it himself. Dude's a bitch."

Just hearing his name made her wince. She didn't answer back.

"You want a hit?"

Now she looked up. Jefferson looked down at her all concerned like. He pulled the joint from his lips and held it out to her. It smelled terrible but he seeemed to be content with it. With a shaking hand she put the joint to her lips and inhaled, boy did she inhale.

What felt like hours later or maybe it had just been minutes she and Jefferson were lying in the grass next to eachother laughing and smoking joint after joint together. Jefferson seemed to have an unlimited supply of weed on him.

They were laughing their heads off. Jefferson, Brenda decided was hysterical. He had all these ridiculous nicknames he made up for everyone in school. He called David Silver "the rapping dwarf" and Steve was "the curly haired douche bag." Andrea he insisted, was really a teacher working undercover as a student. His names for Dylan and Kelly were the best of all. The forehead and the blond hooker. Brenda laughed so hard her sides were hurting. Inbetween laughing she took hit after hit of the joints Jefferson kept rolling. This stuff was great. It was really calming her down. Her hands had stopped shaking and her heart didn't feel like it was beating to explosion right now.

They stayed there for awhile until a loud bell rang out. Brenda knew that it was the end of the day. They had smoked weed the whole afternoon together.

Finally she sat up a bit and tried to wipe some of the grass slime off her ass. Jefferson sat up to, and they kind of looked at eachother.

Jefferson had long stringy brown hair. He wore a wholy black tee with an onk symbol around his neck. His jeans wore completely ripped up, and he had on dusty super worn in Doc Martens. Around his waist was his own red checked flannel.

Brenda stood up now. She could feel wet grass slime all over her favorite dirty flannel. She started to take it off absentmidedly. Luckily she had on a black tee underneath.

"Here take mine." Jefferson ripped his flannel off his waist quickly and handed it to her. He gave her a caring sort of look she thought. He seemed like he sincerely wanted her to take it.

Brenda looked him in the eye. This was the best day she'd had in awhile. Laying here smoking with him had been great. She couldn't remember when she'd laughed so hard or had so much fun. He defintely didn't have leprocy.

"Thanks." She took it from him carefully in her hands. It reeked of pot and smelled stale and musty but she put it on anyway, half of it kind of falling off her shoulder a bit.

"So see ya," she said.

"Yeah see ya, and remember my office is always open." Jefferson gave a bow and a big smile. Then he turned around and started walking away to wherever Jefferson Stanley goes.

Brenda began to walk off. She turned back around though for a minute and could see Jefferson dissapearing somewhere into the staff parking lot. It had been a fun afternoon.


	3. My Girl

**My Girl**

Brandon walked into the house making sure to slam the door behind him. It had been a crappy day. He thought writing that article about Kelly would make him feel good, and it had but that was the problem. All day long he couldn't get her out of his mind. He found himself wondering what she thought of it and where she was during most of the day. He had never experienced this before. After seeing her and Dylan by the lockers this morning something in his heart had sank. When she tried to wave at him during lunch he wasn't in the mood to see her pretty smile or hear her voice. Something was hurting him. Seeing Dylan and Kelly together was a slap in the face. He was falling for her. Falling for Kelly Taylor. Brenda's ex best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. It was all so confusing. How had this all happened. Had it taken Brenda dumping Kelly to realize his feelings for her. Or was seeing Dylan his best friend with her what was egging this on. Whatever it was he couldn't shake the feeling. Kelly Taylor was in his mind and he didn't know how to turn it off.

He walked up the stairs tiredly. He had about forty-five minutes to rest before he had to be at the Peach Pit until closing. Life sucked. Even in Beverly Hills.

Brandon got up the stairs, and the nasty smell hit him right in the face. Potent pungent pot. And it was drifting right out of Brenda's room. He walked over and peaked through her door. Brenda was sitting at the window reading. Shockingly there wasn't a blunt in her hand.

"What the hell are you doing?" Brandon asked from the doorway.

Brenda looked up sleepily. She didn't say anything and just went back to her book.

"Bren...earth to Bren, it stinks in here." Brandon let himself in. Brenda still wasn't answering.

Brandon walked over to her bed and picked up some red flannel he didn't recognize. It smelled like piss but also skunk weed.

"Bren what the hell is this?" Brandon dangled the flannel off his finger. He knew Brenda hadn't been much into conversation lately but this wasn't like her.

Picking up the flannel got her attention. She closed her book with a slam and stalked into the bathroom. She came out with some air freshener and sprayed it all over her room. Than she yanked the flannel out of his hand.

"You think that's going to cover it, I can still smell it all over you," Brandon said.

"Then get out of my room," she answered folding the flannel carefully and setting it in her desk chair.

"Bren what's going on? You know mom and dad are going to freak when they come home and smell this."

Brenda sprayed some more air freshener angrily. She gave her brother quite an angry glare before she walked back to her book.

Brandon rolled his eyes and followed her to the window opening it. Maybe that would get some of the stink out.

"Talk." He tapped her on the ankle.

"Why don't you call your best friend Dylan and talk to him." Brenda barely looked up.

Brandon clasped his hands together and sighed. Little did she know they were both disgusted with Dylan right now. Brenda for obvious reasons and Brandon because well Dylan was with the girl he couldn't get out of his mind. He realized though he couldn't tell Brenda that. How could she possibly react to the fact that he was falling for the girl that had caused her all this misery. He felt like a terrible brother. He was going to have to forget about her. Kelly that is. How much more could his sister take? He was the big brother and he couldn't not be on her side.

"Look Bren, I know this is a really hard time for you, but you can't let yourself fall apart like this. They're not worth it."

Brenda eyed him and closed her book. She stared out the window. It had felt like ages since she and Brandon had had a good heart to heart. Before she could answer the phone rang.

Brandon got up to answer. "Hello...who...um how did you get this number?" Brandon pulled the cordless away from his ear.

"It's that dude Jefferson Stanley. The school's biggest pothead. What the hell is this? Says he got your number from the West Beverly phone directory."

Brenda sat up and yanked the phone away from him. "Hi," she answered and immediately started laughing.

Brandon was shocked. Before he could say anything else Brenda was pushing him through their shared bathroom and into his room before slamming the door on him.

Brandon was dumbfounded. He wanted to tell her to hang up on that lowlife but work was calling his name. Nothing like a night of serving heavy greasy burgers and then coming home to no girlfriend to look forward to. He sighed and started getting ready for work.

"Take a shower before mom and dad come home," he yelled through the door at his sister. He at least had to try a little to keep her out of trouble.

#

Kelly walked into the Peach Pit. Her stomach was rumbling. It had been a long long day. Not only did she not know where in the hell Dylan was, she'd also never gotten to thank Brandon for what he wrote.

The Peach Pit was felt happy and alive as she took a spot at the counter. "My Girl" was playing over the jute box. The place wasn't too packed though which was good because she was starving.

"Brandon," she called out waving to him after spotting him in the back talking to Willy the cook.

Brandon looked up and gave her a tight lipped smile. Not the greeting she had been hoping for. She motioned for him to come over to the counter but he just looked down and away from her.

Kelly waited and waited for him, but he seemed to want to serve every customer but her. He would just walk past her pretending he wasn't seeing her sitting there waiting to have her order taken.

Kelly saw Nat but he was busy taking the table orders. The place really was not that busy though.

Nat walked by her.

"Hey Nat," Kelly greeted him

"Hey Darlin how's our favorite blond?" Nat answered chipper.

"Pretty good, better if I could get some service though."

"You mean Brandon hasn't taken your order yet? This is his section?" Nat seemed confused.

"No, is he okay? He keeps ignoring me."

"He seemed fine when he came in. A bit more quiet than usual. Maybe something's on his mind."

Just then they watched as Brandon pushed open the door to the stock room in the back kind of hostile.

"Nat would it be okay, if I go back there, and go talk to him?"

"Be my guest darlin, but first what'll it be?" Nat took his pencil from behind his ear and brought out his notepad from his apron.

"Chicken salad." Kelly answered quickly.

"You got it, and while you're back there tell Mr. Walsh it's getting busy up here."

"Will do. Thanks Nat."

Kelly got up from her stool and headed to the back. With a manicured hand she pushed the stock room door open. In the back she saw Brandon looking like he was counting inventory or something.

"Hey you." Kelly greeted him

Brandon looked up surprised to see her. Their eyes connected but he went back to his counting.

"What are you doing back here?" Kelly asked him

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Brandon answered back quickly.

"I wanted to see what's going on with you. I've been sitting here but you won't take my order." Kelly put her hands on her hips.

"Sorry must have just missed you that's all." Brandon kept writing on some pad.

"Brandon look at me." Kelly ordered him.

Brandon finally stopped and looked up. His green eyes melted into hers. A piece of hair hung in his face a little.

Kelly walked towards him. "So I wanted to thank you for what you wrote today. I loved it."

Brandon hesitated for a moment. He held the pad in his hand but he had stopped counting.

"I'm glad, " he said.

"It was great. Really Brandon it was. I mean I honestly can't thank you enough."

"Well I meant every word Kel." He looked into her eyes again. Bad move he put the pad down and walked over to his work locker. Kelly followed him.

"You're a great writer," she said.

"Well I guess it comes naturally when you have a good subject."

Kelly smiled. Brandon was a sweetheart. A really sexy sweetheart. His green eyes felt electric. Like they could see right down into the deepest part of her.

Now it was Kelly who hesitated. "So umm have you seen Dylan anywhere I seem to keep losing track of him?"

Brandon frowned as he tugged on a fresh apron from his work locker wrapping it around himself.

"To tell you the truth Kelly I don't really want to talk about Dylan right now." Brandon let go of his apron and slammed his locker shut. Then he just looked at her.

"Why? Isn't Dylan your best-"

Before she could finish his lips were on hers. They kissed passionately. Brandon's back slammed into his locker as they embraced.

This kiss wasn't like anything Kelly had felt before. It was different than the kisses they had shared at the Spring Dance, and it wasn't like kissing Dylan. This kiss was like a warm bath. They fell into it as if their lips were made to kiss each other. Their lips and tongues moved around in the perfect rhythm. Kelly's body was on fire. From her neither regions reaching all the way up to her heart. She didn't want it to end. Kissing Brandon Walsh felt like home. It was so natural and felt so right. Even knowing she had a boyfriend, it felt right.

Finally they pulled away. Their foreheads touching. She felt dizzy and like she couldn't feel the floor. Her heart beat frantically in her chest. The way Brandon held her close to him. Like she could let herself get lost inside him.

The world felt different. She felt different.


	4. Stronger

**Stronger**

Brandon leaned his forehead against Kelly breathing her in. He couldn't hear the sounds outside in the restaurant. All there was, was he and Kelly. The hum of their breath together. Something amazing had just happened between them. Something he had been trying to feel with every girl since Minneapolis and after they moved here. Kelly Taylor had gotten to the core of him. Somehow he and this girl from totally different worlds had come together and it felt like magic. Why had it taken so long? What a fool he had been.

Brandon almost blamed himself for the mess he and his friends were in. If he hadn't been so stupid as to turn her down years ago at the dance it never would have left Kelly free to turn to Dylan. Everything could have been how it should have been. Fate was kicking him in the ass.

` He opened his eyes, and looked at this beautiful girl. All he wanted to do was keep kissing her and then kiss her some more.

"Kelly I-" Brandon started.

"Brandon," Kelly whispered.

She pushed her lips back to his. She ran her fingers through his hair falling back into him.

He didn't know how long their lips were together until she suddenly pulled away.

"We can't do this," she said out of nowhere.

It took a moment for Brandon to collect his thoughts.

"Kel-" Brandon ran a hand through his hair. He knew there were a lot of factors at hand here but that was the last thing he had been thinking about.

"I have to go." Kelly pulled away from him, and hurriedly ran out of the stock room.

Watching her go felt like a punch to the gut. He had to steady himself.

He had to gather himself together before Nat started wondering where he was.

With every fiber inside him he was going to need to get through the rest of his shift tonight, somehow.

#

The lunch bell rang out and Brenda quickly gathered her things together. She had somewhere to be.

She'd made a new friend she decided. Jefferson Stanley and her had really hit it off. She wasn't even pissed that he'd called her yesterday. It was a relief actually to talk to someone outside of _the gang._

 _The gang_ had become more like a snake pit lately. The days of the Spring Dance, and Hello Day were long over. Senior Year had been hell so far. Jefferson was a welcome relief.

Brenda hightailed it to the back of the gym again. Sure enough Jefferson was waiting for her.

"Hey it looks great on you," he said excitedly referring to the flannel he had loaned Brenda.

"Thanks I did wash it though," Brenda answered.

"Well you can have it."

"Are you sure, I mean don't you need it?" Brenda eyed his outfit today. He was wearing the ripped up jeans from yesterday but today he had on a pretty _questionable_ tee-shirt.It was of a Care Bear sticking the middle finger out. It read _Gives No Fuck Bear_. It was kind of cute she decided and exactly how she felt.

"I'm good. Don't worry about me. How's my little Brendina? Any better today?"

"If you mean have I seen _them?_ Not today." Brenda had told Jefferson all about what had really went down between she, Dylan and Kelly on the phone yesterday. They had talked for a good few hours. He even gave her some tips about how to get the smell of weed out of her room so her parents wouldn't bust her.

"Good. If I do, I'm going to make sure to kick McKay's ass for you. Dude's had it coming for a long time."

"Don't. I don't even want them to think I'm thinking about them, since they're certainly not thinking about me." Brenda sighed.

She and Jefferson were sitting against the back wall of the gym. This side of the school was pretty quiet. It was quite peaceful actually, sitting away from the morally deprived student body of West Beverly High.

"So where are all your friends?" Brenda asked Jefferson.

Jefferson gave a quick laugh. "You know I don't associate with any of those deadbeats. They're all a bunch of bring down buzzkills. But seriously my friends don't go here."

"Where do they go?" Brenda asked.

"Who the hell really knows. Here and there. They certainly don't hang out in there all day." Jefferson was thoughtful for a moment, and then he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. Brenda watched him smoke it before he handed her one without having to ask. She lit hers and they were quiet for a moment, as Brenda eyed Jefferson.

She felt like such a shallow person. Here she was going to this school for three years already and all she'd done was associate with a bunch of backstabbers. All the while thoughtful people like Jefferson she never had the time of day for. She remembered passing him in the hall barely acknowledging his existence. Following Kelly Taylor around like a little lost dog had always seemed more important.

Jefferson smashed his cigarette into the ground. "So you ready for a toke?"

Brenda was enjoying the nicotine penetrating through her system. She hadn't smoked in so long since her parents had caught her a little after her Paris trip. God she couldn't even believe she thought she needed cigarettes then. Now she really needed them. She remembered all the fucking lectures Kelly had given her about smoking. Imagine that two faced blond hooker ( as Jefferson called her) would even dare lecture her about the dangers of smoking. What about the dangers of fucking her boyfriend over the summer? What a hypocrite she was. Brenda practically had to swallow the anger down her throat.

"As much as I'd love to I'm so far behind in everything I don't think it's going to help today. I can barely stay awake in there anymore. They said they're going to stop me from graduating if I don't start showing up for class more."

Jefferson eyed her over the blunt he was now lighting. "You know Brendina. I think you might need something stronger."

"Like what?" Brenda hoped this wasn't the part where Jefferson was going to try to turn their _friendship_ into something more. Instead he reached into his bag and pulled out a little orange bottle. Much like her own little orange bottles she'd been bringing around everywhere lately.

"What are those?" She asked him curiously.

This was such a bizarre scene. Her sitting here with Jefferson Stanley of all people, and his never ending _supply._

"I call them " _My Little Engines that Could_ " they get you going even when the whole world stops."

God Jefferson sounded like such the cliche drug dealer. "Speed...I don't know." Brenda eyed the bottle and pushed her bangs out of her eyes. She was starting to remember the reasons why Kelly used to say he had leprosy. What was she doing here?

"It's up to you no pressure..." Jefferson tucked the bottle back into hit pocket. "I'm just saying when the going gets rough these get you going."

Brenda stared at the grass. She was already doing the wrong things because her whole life had gone wrong. Everything was a mess. What was one more cheery on the top of the sloppy sundae that had become her life.

She thought about graduation and if she could really make it. Everyday got harder. Just the monotonous things that used to seem so easy like getting out of bed, washing her clothes, even washing her face. Everything was an effort these days. Just for a little bit she'd like to feel like the girl that used to leap out of bed in the morning ready to face the day. Just for a little bit she'd like to push Dylan and Kelly out of her mind, so that she could get anything done. Her homework, college applications, hell even her laundry.

She held out her hand and Jefferson pulled the bottle out again. He unscrewed the cap and shook about ten pills in the palm of her hand.

Brenda closed her palm over the pills and pulled out some water from her bag, immediately downing one. She had a whole afternoon of classes to get through.

"So what's the catch? Do I owe you? She asked Jefferson.

"No catch. We're friends now. Heck if I had a forehead and blonde hooker do to me what they did to you, I'd want someone to do the same for me. Just consider it a friendly gesture." Jefferson tapped her knee with his own, and smiled. Then he went back to his blunt.

The lunch bell rang out like a screeching racket to her ears. Quickly, Brenda gathered up her things placing the rest of the pills in her backpack.

"Thanks, so same time same place tomorrow..."

"You got it Brendina" Jefferson saluted her and then she was off.

She could already feel a bit more kick in her step, maybe it was the pills, but maybe it was also making a new friend.


	5. Things in Common

Dylan arched his pool stick back, and watched as the cue ball went sailing across the green felt. He gave it his best go, but his game was off today, as evident by the flimsy way the balls separated across the green. It must be the last four bears he had downed since cutting class the rest of the day throwing him off.

He knew this wasn't the best place to be, but it was the only place he wanted to be right now. The only place where he could be himself.

He looked across the hall at all the other transients who had nothing better to do than play pool in this shithole at one in the afternoon on a Wednesday. He fit right in.

Nothing but trouble usually came from this place. Just last year he'd gotten his face pummeled in by a degenerate he actually won against. Maybe it was for the best his game was off today. He remembered that beating well. It was the last time he had fallen off the wagon before now. It was such a different time then. His looney tune space case mother was in town driving him mad, and his old demons had come back to haunt him. But his demons never really went away. He liked to think they had layed dormant over the winter and they had awoken again over the summer. Maybe that was why he had carried on with Kelly like he had. Whatever it was he hadn't been to an AA meeting in weeks. It had all started to seem so pointless. Sobriety. What was the point of being sober when everything sucked so much. Not having Brenda around anymore was destroying him more than he thought possible. He didn't know it would feel like this when he chose Kelly. Despite how drunk he was, he felt like he was finally thinking straight.

"Let me get another one," he told the owner or whoever the hell the guy was that never carded him. He slammed his mug down and wiped his beer mustache away with the back of his hand. Dylan McKay could knock them back like a pro.

"Damn Mckay, another one? Now I know I ain't your mama but don't you think you had enough?" The piece of shit owner who never carded him, was finally starting to grow a conscious. Dylan wasn't in the mood.

"I said another one..." He slammed his pool stick back across the table but the balls barely went anywhere. "Dammit," he mumbled. Setting his stick back down he ran his hand across his face trying to clear his head.

"You suck ass Mckay," a voice piped in.

Dylan was kneeling down focusing on his shot. The voice had screwed up his concentration some more. He looked up to see fellow pool hall, waste of bones, Jefferson Stanley in front of his table.

"Away from my game dickhead," Dylan warned him.

Jefferson clutched at his chest. "Aww you're breaking my heart."

The bartender pushed another frothy mug his way. Dylan downed half the thing quickly, setting it down hard enough that some spilled out.

"I could break this over your head instead." He motioned his mug to Stanley with his cue stick.

"Wow what's got your panties in a bunch today? Actually I don't think I've seen you around here for awhile. What's a matter? A certain brunette giving you the drinking winkies." Jefferson smiled happily, and kind of tilted back and forth on his feet. Then he did the drinky drinky motion with his hands mockingly.

That got Dylan's attention. He had picked his mug up again but set it down quickly. "What the hell you talking 'bout Stanley?" Dylan hated Jefferson. He knew him from back in the day. Way back in the day, when Dylan had tried some things experimentally when he was having problems with his dad. Jefferson used to hang with these surfer guys Dylan knew, and whatever you needed Jefferson could get whether it was booze or pharmaceuticals. Dylan wasn't proud of that time. Booze was always his preferred brain killer but there had been other moments when it hadn't been enough... Dylan honestly didn't know where Jefferson got his supply from, but he heard rumblings that Jefferson had a pharmacist brother with the keys to a CVS after dark. Aside from being a walking shit stain on humanity Jefferson seemed to only have about three brain cells left that he hadn't yet fried.

"Oh I think you know McKay. In fact you and I have a friend in common now."

"What friend?" Dylan didn't know why he was humoring this asshole.

"Aww come on... Have you forgotten her already?"

"What friend numb nuts?"

Jefferson gave a big smile. "Well her name rhymes with Glenda."

Dylan set his mug down again, and couldn't believe his ears. Not his Brenda. What the hell was this yuck mouth even doing saying her name.

"If you mean Brenda Walsh, what about her?" Dylan was starting to sober up real quick.

Jefferson grinned some more. "Nothing just...I think she's nice, that's all."

Dylan threw his stick on the table and walked over to Jefferson as calmly as he could manage. He stood right in front of him eye to eye.

Jefferson continued to grin like the Cheshire Cat. It seemed like all the noise in the pool hall stopped. Before Jefferson could say anything else Dylan had him by his ratty t-shirt collar pushing him towards the wall. "Did you do something to her!?" He shouted in his face shaking him. "Did you do something!?"

Jefferson finally wiped the stupid grin off his face and actually looked scared. Dylan had bunched up a lot of t-shirt around his neck and was practically cutting off his air supply.

"Relax man..." He tried to shake Dylan off him unsuccessfully.

Dylan got even closer to his face spitting in it as he talked. "Then why the hell are you saying her name. Don't ever say her name to me."

" 'Ay McKay man do I need to get the sheriff in here." Dylan heard the piece of shit pool hall owner calling towards him. "No fighting or you're out."

Dylan shook Jefferson some more before letting him go.

Jefferson slumped all red face over the pool table a bit catching his breath. Dylan still needed answers, but if he didn't calm down the scene he was making he wasn't going to get any.

" Man...just just relax."

"How do you know Brenda Walsh?" Dylan tried to ask calmly but it came out like a hiss between his teeth.

Jefferson gulped in a big breath of air. "We're just friends. I met her the other day. We've just been talking. She's cool. That's it. Damn, I just mentioned it because I know you used to date her. Man I just wanted to play a round with you that's it."

"And you think you have a chance with Brenda Walsh?"

"We're friends that's it." Jefferson held up his hands innocently, but Dylan wasn't buying it. He was so angry he felt like he could topple over the pool table.

"That better be it."

"It is man I promise. We hung out at lunch the last few days. She's totally still into you I promise. I have to admit though you're the one who sounds like you did her dirty."

"Get out of my face, and get off my table." Dylan seethed.

Jefferson paused for a moment then straightened out his tee-shirt and swiped the 8-ball off Dylan's table holding it up for him to see. Then he walked off with it.

Dylan clutched the sides of his table once he was gone. That didn't feel like _it_ at all. He didn't care that Brenda had told Jefferson about him and Kelly. What he cared about was the fact that Brenda was associating with that clown at all. It meant she was really feeling low, and wherever Jefferson Stanley was, little orange pill bottles were sure to follow.

#

"Some best friend..."

Kelly looked herself over in the mirror. She couldn't believe the turn of events the night had taken. She was back in her room after hightailing it out of the Peach Pit. It had taken everything in her to leave Brandon standing there like that, when all she wanted to do was fall into his arms and leave the whole world behind. But she couldn't. Who was she kidding? How much more of a mess could she make of things? Not only had she stolen her best friend's boyfriend, she was now cheating on her best friend's boyfriend with her best friend's brother. It was all so wrong. What was wrong with her? Was nothing sacred? At least she hadn't seduced Nat yet.

Kelly rang her head in her hands. She stared at the picture of she and Brenda taped up on her mirror. Despite Brenda not speaking to her for months, she hadn't had the heart to take it down yet. Maybe she still hoped they could reconcile down the road, but if Brenda found out that Kelly was now sneaking around with Brandon, what would she do? How much more of a nightmare could Kelly be in her life?

Kelly hung her head sadly. This was awful. Not only was she like a fungus in Brenda's life she had destroyed her whole friendship with her to pursue a relationship with Dylan that was going nowhere. It was Brandon. Brandon was the one she should be with. Kissing Dylan was nothing like kissing Brandon. That kiss with Brandon earlier had made her feel invincible. Like she could do anything, or be anyone as long as he kept kissing her. There wasn't that emptiness that followed her kisses with Dylan. There was hope, and dreams, and sunshine.

Brandon. Kissing him had been everything. It was what she had always wanted. He didn't kiss her like he had at the Spring Dance. This felt stronger and deeper. Like they knew each other that much better. Brandon knew who she was, or at least who she wanted to be. He could see that she didn't want to be _Thee Kelly Taylor._ She wanted to be someone else. She wanted to be herself.


	6. Burning Up

**Burning Up**

Brenda pushed play on her boombox. This was one of her favorite songs, an old classic 1980's Madonna track called _Burning Up_. She loved the beat and sexy lyrics. As soon as the fast pulsating beat filtered her room she started to dance and shimmy around wildly. She was feeling great for a change. Those pills Jefferson had given her had really perked her up. Not only had she gotten through the whole school day for a change without ditching, she had also come home and was able to type out a ten page history report one of her teachers said she could make up. She also organized her closet, and lined up all her books in order from smallest to biggest. After that she took another pill to get through the rest of her homework. Now all she wanted to do was dance.

Brenda watched herself in the mirror as she flipped her long dark hair around sexily. Then seductively she unbuttoned her flannel and pulled it off revealing her lacy black bra underneath.

"Eat your heart out Dylan McKay," she said to her own reflection.

The song shook her bedroom as she spinned around and shook her ass dropping down to the floor. Madonna had nothing on her.

#

Brandon parked his car in the driveway, and shut off the ignition. Part of him wondered on the drive home from the Pit if he should go over to Kelly's and see if she would talk to him, but he ultimately decided against it. After all she had ran out on him.

It had taken everything to get through the rest of his shift, and he could barely concentrate on taking orders and doing his work after kissing Kelly in the back room. In his mind all he could see was Kelly Taylor and her lips and body against his. He was completely taken by her. Just a week ago he had been fine, but now it was like she had possessed him. Brandon wanted nothing more than to go back to her house and finish that kiss. He wanted more than that too. He wanted to call Kelly and ask to take her out this weekend but realistically how could he do that? She had a boyfriend who was supposed to be his best friend even though he was secretly pissed at Dylan for what he had done to Brenda, and taking his dream girl away.

He could still smell her perfume on his Peach Pit shirt. It was time to get upstairs and take it off before the torture was too much.

He opened the front door, and was greeted to the sound of loud music vibrating through the whole house. It was coming from upstairs probably Brenda's room. It was almost shocking. Brenda hadn't played music in months except for that depressing REM song he knew was her and Dylan's.

Surprisingly Jim and Cindy were sitting in the living room watching TV not telling her to turn it down.

"Mom, Dad what's going on? Why's the music so loud?" Brandon greeted his parents.

"Oh hi honey that's Brenda," his mom answered.

"Why aren't you telling her to turn it down?" Brandon shouted over the loud banging.

"Because we're glad that's why?" his father yelled back.

"Glad?" Brandon asked questioningly.

"Yeah it means she's doing better," his mom said loudly back.

"Oh right." Brandon responded.

"How was your night sweetie?" his mom asked, or rather shouted.

"Good...good...I'm going to go upstairs and you know..."

"Sure sure." His father waved him on as his folks went back to the TV although he didn't know how could they hear anyone of it over Brenda's racket. There was even loud banging coming from the ceiling like she was stomping around.

Brandon hurried up the stairs and approached Brenda's room. He pushed open the door and was greeted to his sister dancing around like she a stripper in front of her mirror.

Brenda noticed him immediately and yelled back, "Brandon get out of my room!"

Brenda hurried to the boom box and flipped the song off. She had obviously been dancing around awhile. She was wearing a sparkly dress for some reason.

"You going somewhere?" he asked her once the music was off.

"Don't you know how to knock," she said sarcastically.

"Sorry. It's just you know we haven't heard much from you lately. It's good to see you're having some fun."

He walked into Brenda's room all the way now. She turned the music off and started clearing a pile of clothes off her bed.

"Do you have a date I don't know about?" Brandon tried again.

"No, I was just trying on some stuff, and having some fun. Donna and I might go dancing next week, so I was just practicing."

"Great. That's great Bren. It's good to see you up and alive, and to not see your room smelling like a Grateful Dead concert."

"Look Brandon if you came in here to make fun of me-"

"Hey come on Bren I'm just goofing. It's just great to see you're up and getting back to normal. Mom and dad seem pretty jazzed about it too."

"Yeah I feel great," she answered back quickly. She was fidgeting with her stuffed animals at the window seat now, lining them up from smallest to biggest it seemed.

Brandon watched her oddly. He never knew what to expect from his twin little sister.

He felt kind of bad. After everything she had been going through he felt like they had drifted a part a bit lately. She had been so closed up dealing with the pain of her breakup. He hadn't exactly been the most easy to talk to brother what with school, the paper, his job, and now this new _thing_ with Kelly. Now he felt guilty. How could he possibly tell Brenda about him and Kelly? How would she react? How could she not see it as anything but a betrayal at a time like this.

"So work was cool," he said even though she didn't ask. Maybe he was just trying to ease his guilty conscious.

"Uh huh." Brenda was now looking like she was looking under her bed for something. She seemed really jittery.

"Nat said hi."

"Oh great yeah tell him hi for me." Now she was at her mirror combing our her hair. Every time he looked at her she was doing something else, almost like an energizer bunny.

"So how's school been going?"

"Great," Brenda answered quickly. She was now opening and shutting drawers like she was looking for something.

"Bren did you lose something?" Brandon asked his sister.

"No I'm great," Brenda said back quickly.

Brandon sighed. Clearly his sister was preoccupied at the moment. It didn't seem like the best moment to come clean about Kelly.

"Okay well I guess I've got a lot of homework to do still." Brandon hopped off the bed, and headed to their shared bathroom.

"Sure sure," Brenda commented back.

Brandon knew she wasn't acting normal, but at least she seemed to be trying. She was up and listening to music, and making plans with Donna. All of her pre Dylan and Kelly activities. He watched her another moment from the bathroom door as she started braiding her hair in the mirror, just then his bedroom phone rang.

#

Dylan drove his car slowly in front of the Walsh House on Hillcrest Drive. He tried to steer the Porsche away from the streetlights not wanting to be seen.

It had taken some hours to sober up after the pool hall. He'd tried to drive home, but instead he had gone back to the beach for a little bit and thought about Brenda, and what Jefferson had said about them being _friends_. He couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was in the air. Catching Brenda around school had gotten harder and harder lately. He knew she had been ditching like him, but he didn't know where she was going. He knew he had no right to pry, but he couldn't help it. The old Brenda would never ditch class. Dylan felt this was all his doing, and he had to know that she was okay, or at least that she'd be okay.

Dylan looked up at the Walsh house from his car and wished he could go inside like the old days. He wished he could just stop in and study with Brenda and joke around with Brandon, but this wasn't the old days. These were the new days, and the new days sucked.

If only he could walk in the house and eat dinner with his surrogate family. Cindy Walsh had to be just about the best home cook in Beverly Hills. She was probably the only home cook in Beverly Hills. He would sit at the table while him and Brenda played footsy under the table, and Brandon would throw bread crumbs at them. Then big Jimbo would sit at the head of the table, and be the usual mood crusher, but still they were great dinners. Most nights now his dinners had been microwaved shit. It wasn't the dinners though that he really missed. It was all of it. Brenda was his family. Where she was felt like home. Now his home was the bottom of an empty bottle.

Dylan could see the light on in Brenda's room. There seemed to be movement from behind her window curtain too. He was glad the light was on. Nothing seemed to be amiss at the house. He was about to drive off, but he could still see Stanley's smirking face at the Pool Hall.

He knew he shouldn't do it, but he picked up his car phone and dialed Brandon's room number. After a few rings Brandon picked up.

"Hey B it's me," Dylan said unsure.

"Yo D, so what do I owe the honor. Didn't think I'd get a call from you for awhile."

"I know...I know. I just thought I should check in with you. How is everything?"

"Everything's...you know good. Why?"

Dylan thought Brandon sounded weird. Maybe it was just because they hadn't spoken on the phone in awhile. They were still friendly in person if Dylan ran into Brandon at the Pit or school but he knew there was a bit of tension between them after what had went down with Brenda.

"Just you know um thinking about you guys..."

"Really. Well isn't that sweet of you."

Dylan could tell he was joking but not really in a mean way. Still it came out very sarcastic.

"Right...so um how's Bren doing?"

"She's you know Bren...Trooping along despite everything..."

"Yeah I know. Has she been feeling okay?"

"Well honestly Dylan how do you really expect her to feel right now? How can you really expect any of us to feel?"

Dylan was silent for a moment. He knew Brandon had every right to defend his sister.

"I just want to know that she's okay."

Brandon paused for a minute. "Yeah I think so... she's okay...Look D...something..." Brandon trailed off.

"Yeah, go ahead what something Brandon...?"

Brandon paused again another moment. "Nothing just...I saw Kelly at the Pit tonight and..."

Dylan sighed. Kelly. He had completely almost forgot he was actually dating her for a minute. He remembered they were supposed to meet up for lunch the other day but he hadn't shown up, and today he had ditched entirely. Despite all that she didn't seem to be calling to see where he was. It was for the best I guess.

"That's right Kel. I should probably check in with her too."

Brandon didn't say anything for a moment. "Right... you should do that. So um later dude."

"Yeah later, and Brandon just watch out for Bren okay."

"Yeah, yeah will do. Take it easy man."

"Right take it easy."

Dylan was quiet on the line, but he could hear that Brandon hadn't hung up yet. They both seemed to be wanting to say more but couldn't get it out. Finally Dylan clicked off the phone and hit the gas hard.


	7. Let's Talk

_Authors note: Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! I love your feedback, and hope you're enjoying this reimagining. Lots more surprises in store as Brenda deals with the emotional fallout from this huge heartbreak in her life. I know there were some questions about why I let Brenda fall down this dangerous path, but honestly I felt she was always very impressionable. After this betrayal I could really see her turning to anything to feel better...The story will continue to have some similarities to season 3 but I will be switching things around and taking things out. Enjoy!_

 **Let's Talk**

Brenda hung up the phone softly. They hadn't heard her listening in on their conversation. She and Brandon shared the same phone line now. The sound of his voice had made her palms sweat. She took a big gulp of air after having held her breath not to be heard. Dylan was asking about her. Why? Her heart was thumping even harder in her chest now then it had been earlier. Just hearing the sound of her name from his voice had made her ache. He was still talking about Kelly though.

She took a long look at herself in the mirror. Earlier she had put on a short black sparkly dress to dance around in. Half her hair was braided too. She had been feeling invincible but now she felt ugly again. Turning away from the mirror she opened up a little jewelry box where she had placed the pills Jefferson gave her. She thought she had misplaced them earlier when Brandon was in the room. Now, it felt like her mood was crashing after hearing Dylan on the phone. Watching herself in the mirror, she placed another pill on her tongue and swallowed it down. Blinking her eyes she stared back at her new reflection.

#

"Sup Man. Have you heard? I'm planning the social event of the season."

Brandon shut his locker tiredly. He wasn't quite feeling as chipper as Steve today, but then again who ever was in as good a mood as Steve. Life seemed to be good when you were a regular Beverly Hills golden boy with a bank account bigger than your brain most of the time.

"How you doin' Steve?" Brandon smiled at his friend.

"Definitely better than you Walsh, what did you take the same gloomy pills as your pal McKay this morning?"

"Let's not talk about Dylan right now alright Steve."

"No problem man, I'd actually rather talk about Kelly."

That caught Brandon's attention. "Kelly?"

"Yeah Kelly," Steve said excitedly. "I'm going to throw her an amazing eighteenth birthday party at the Pit."

"Really...I didn't know you were into party planning?"

"Of course I am, when it comes to Kelly."

Uh oh. Brandon didn't like the sound of this. When it came to his new Kelly feelings he hadn't really been thinking about Steve at all. Steve and Kelly had been broken up for so long, since before he had even moved here. Still, he should have known. It seemed like every few months Steve was re-convinced that Kelly was the love of his life.

Brandon was quiet for a moment. How the hell was he going to tell Steve now that he had feelings for her? Brandon let out a long sigh. Just a week ago , he had seemed to be the last guy at West Beverly who hadn't fallen for Kelly's charms yet, and now here he was as lovesick as Steve. He realized he understood Steve a little better now. Being close to Kelly the other night was like falling into a cloud of blond hair, and cherries. Once you were in, she had a way of working her voodoo on you.

"Brandon earth to Brandon," Steve made a pretend megaphone with his hand.

"Right yeah...Kelly. Birthday party sounds great." It really didn't. It sounded like it was going to be super uncomfortable for everybody.

"Great so tell everybody," Steve said excitedly.

"Tell everybody what?" Andrea walked up beside them now. She was wearing a very uncool Andrea outfit as usual. A big bulky blazer with strange print, and a button up top buttoned to her neck with a decorative pin at the top. Still they were both his best friends, and Brandon realized how much he had been missing the gang lately. After everything, and graduation approaching it seemed like they were all gently beginning to pull away from each other.

"I'm throwing Kelly a huge surprise birthday party," Steve answered her.

"Aww I see. Still hoping Kelly wants to become Mrs. Sanders one day Steve?" Andrea smiled at her joke.

"Always," Steve said in a macho Elvis voice, and they both started laughing. Brandon made a face.

"Aren't you still hoping to become Mrs. Walsh one day Andrea?" Steve deadpanned.

Andrea turned bright red now. Brandon felt embarrassed for them both. All of this didn't sound good. Steve still liking Kelly, and from the embarrassed look on Andrea's face could she still be harboring a thing for him? They had taken a stab at turning their friendship into more before but it had always ended up going nowhere. It was Andrea, Brandon realized that was like another sister to him not Kelly.

Brandon had to intervene here. "Look there's going to be no time for weddings if we don't all get to class so we can graduate. So I'm out of here. Catch you guys later." Brandon waved to his friends ready to make beeline for his history class, but before he could who was in front of them but the blonde temptress herself, Kelly.

"Hey guys," she said softly. Her eyes fell on Brandon's. They could say so much to him without words.

"How's my favorite little fun tart?" Steve asked her.

Kelly rolled her eyes at him. "I don't know Steve, how's all that air in your head?" Kelly shot back.

"Ouch that's my girl. Rawr," Steve made a tiger growl sound at Kelly. This was all so lame Brandon thought, and horribly awkward. "So Kel, you here to tell me how much you're going to miss me when we graduate?" Steve continued.

"No, actually I'm here to talk to Brandon... I need his help with a project I'm doing in a class."

"Oh... cool, well me and Andrea will get out of here then because we've got lots more people to see right Andrea?"

Andrea shook her head encouragingly and then they both walked off leaving just him and Kelly standing in the middle of the hall. It felt like the rest of the school was rushing by at lightning speed and they were just standing still.

#

Brenda hurried into school. She had almost been late when she couldn't decide what to wear this morning. She had also barely slept all night. She had taken another one of Jefferson's _energy pills_ after Brandon's talk with Dylan but then she needed a sleeping pill to settle down later. It seemed like the other pill over stimulated her and the sleeping pill didn't help at all now. Despite no sleep she felt like a rocket about to shoot off the moon. Her feet seemed to move like they weren't even attached to her body. The sounds of West Beverly seemed to be muffled together in a long drumming hum through her ears. The sound of her knee high black boots also echoed with every clip clop across the floor she took. When she woke up she hadn't felt like wearing her usual flannel and dirty jeans today. She wanted something that said _Brenda Walsh is here_ so she threw on her knee high party boots and the shortest mini skirt she owned. She topped it off with a sparkling gold low cut bodysuit. She had done her makeup all smoky and dark with a cat eye and glossy red lips. He hair braid was wrapped around her head in a bun. Brenda looked more like she was going to Sunset Blvd to walk the night, than to calculus class. Before she headed to class she stopped to say hi to Donna who was walking with David down the hall. Donna and David were both wearing their usual loud outfits but today Brenda had even topped them.

"Hey Don," Brenda said loud and happily.

"Hey Bren, that's an um... interesting outfit choice you've got on there." Donna looked her friend up and down.

"Yeah I don't think anyone notices." David cracked as guy after guy walked by them checking Brenda out and making cat calls.

Brenda beamed loving the attention. "I thought you'd approve Don."

"Um how the heck did you get out of your house like that without your dad fainting?" Donna asked.

"I made sure he left for work first, and Cindy went to the grocery store."

"Ahh I see...well um it's great to see you up and at 'em." Donna said doing her dorky little laugh.

"Yeah well I figured why sit around and be blue when you can wear this." Brenda gave a little courtsy.

Donna and David stood looking dumbfounded even for them.

"Um Bren...I don't know how to sort of ask you this, but I mean since you seem like you're feeling better and all I wanted to tell you that Steve is throwing a surprise birthday party at the Pit for Kelly, and I know this is a lot to ask you... but we were all sort of wondering if you'd like to come?"

Brenda studied the expression on Donna's face. She did seem to be asking innocently enough. She had to admit to herself she didn't even really care about Kelly right now. What she really wanted to do was find Jefferson and see if he had anything that could _settle her_ since those "energy pills" seemed to not let her calm down.

Brenda bit her lip. I'll think about it okay Don..." Just then Jefferson walked by with his long hair swishing in the air. Brenda grabbed his hand before he could get too far. "Gotta go guys talk to ya laters." With that she was off.

Jefferson saw her outfit and bugged his eyes out. They both started laughing happily. Down the hall they went like two bouncing bunny rabbits. Both of them could barely contain their _energy._

#

Dylan's head was pounding but he was determined to be here today. He needed to talk to Brandon face to face about his concerns for Brenda. Luckily he spotted him at his locker with Kelly. They both seemed to be just standing there.

"Hey guys. Hey Kel," he greeted his girlfriend hoping she wasn't too pissed off at him but honestly not really caring if she was.

Kelly looked very surprised to see him. She sort of glared at him and looked annoyed. " So you decided to grace us with your presence today? She said snidely.

Dylan just glared back at her. "Actually I'm here to talk to Brandon," he told her.

"Well isn't that something because I'm here to talk to Brandon too. In fact maybe I should talk to both of you."

Dylan didn't have time for this. "Look Kel it's going to have to wait. This is important."

"Oh and you think what I have to say isn't?" Kelly loved to argue.

"Look-" Dylan was starting to get pissed. He didn't have time for Kelly's shit today. In fact he didn't know how he had ever had time for it. Had the sex clouded his mind that much? It suddenly felt like they were on two separate planets. Like icebergs that started to drift far away from each other after sinking The Titanic.

"Look you guys I think there's a lot we all need to discuss so-"

"Brandon I'll just talk to you later bye..." Kelly walked off without saying bye to Dylan. Dylan didn't care.

"So what's up Dylan?" Brandon asked him when she was gone.

"Look Brandon it's about your sister..."

"Yeah what do you want with Brenda now?"

Dylan tried to ignore Brandon's tone. "Look there's this guy Bren's been hanging around with-"

"Dylan look if Brenda has a new boyfriend or is seeing someone then it's really no concern of yours. After all didn't you dump her for her best friend?"

Dylan felt like punching Brandon. He was being so dense. "Brandon that's not what I'm talking about here."

"I think it's exactly what we're talking about here. My sister is trying to move on with her life and you won't let her."

"No B that's got nothing to do with-" Before Dylan could finish his sentence Brandon socked him right in the nose.


	8. The Key

**The Key**

Dylan fell to the floor. He could barely believe it. Brandon Walsh had socked him, and socked him hard. He could already feel blood gushing from his nose. He layed there a moment seeing stars. As people were starting to gather around, he stood up defiantly. Brandon was still standing there. He grabbed for Brandon's neck collar and pushed him back into the lockers. He wanted to hit him back just as hard, but he couldn't. Maybe it was because he knew deep down he deserved to be punched. He knew what he had done to Brenda was wrong. Brandon had always loved and trusted him like a brother, but he had given that trust away. Still, he had once told Brandon "if he ever hit him again he wouldn't live to tell about it." Brandon had hit him once before. It was when the Walsh's had just moved to town and Brandon thought Dylan was moving in on his old Minneapolis girlfriend who came to visit. This was different though. Dylan couldn't hit him back as much as he wanted to.

"Brandon you need some help here." Dylan knew that voice. It was the voice of Steve Sanders West Beverly's resident pain in the ass joining the crowd forming around them.

"No, no help," Dylan grunted. Letting go of Brandon's collar he gave him a push back into the lockers and walked away.

There were little droplets of blood dropping on the hallway of West Beverly from his nose. Before he could make a bigger scene he hightailed it into the bathroom to get some tissues. His nose he could tell wasn't broken but it was bleeding. In the bathroom he looked himself in the mirror wondering what the hell to do. Brandon didn't want to hear about his sister, and Brenda obviously wasn't going to talk to him. He splashed some cold water on his face trying to get a grasp on things. Maybe he should just let it all go. He knew from his own experience as a drunk you couldn't save people who didn't want to be saved.

The bell for next period rang and Dylan left the bathroom. He knew that fucking fight would be all over school already. Sticking around for the gossip today was looking less and less likely. As he was heading out to the parking lot he saw something. It was Brenda. She was standing by her locker laughing with Jefferson. And boy was she _standing._ Brenda had on an outfit that made his hair stand up even higher on his head. She wore these sexy boots, and the shortest skirt he'd even seen. Her hair was up and she looked like a movie star. Dylan's breath was taken away. He had never seen Brenda dressed like this. It was totally hot, but totally inappropriate. Seeing her standing there with Jefferson made his skin burn.

They turned from his locker now and saw him standing. He couldn't read Brenda's eyes. She looked surprised but her eyes stayed indifferent. Like they were seeing him but not really. It was like he was looking into someone else's eyes. It made his stomach drop.

"Hey McKay, looks like you got a owie there," Jefferson cracked referring to his nose, as he wrapped his arm around Brenda.

Brenda responded by laughing, and whispering something in Jefferson's ear. Jefferson burst out laughing and then they rounded the corner away from him. Brenda didn't even turn around to look at him again.

Dylan was shocked. That was not the Brenda he knew and loved. She wasn't right. Something was very wrong. He wanted to go after them and beat Jefferson's brains out. He wanted to pull Brenda away from him but he couldn't. Brandon was right, it was none of his business.

Dylan tried to tell himself this as he hopped into his Porsche without opening the door. He was going to just go home, but then he saw her in his head again in that outfit. Damn that outfit. He could imagine bending her over in it, and having his way with her but he didn't want to see her like that. Like some kind of dead eyed girl walking around West Beverly like a call girl. Not his Brenda. What he needed right now was proof.

#

Dylan turned the key around in hands, wondering if he should really do it. Should he break into the Walsh House.

Dylan had a key. It was a key Brenda had given him when Dylan had stayed with the Walsh's after breaking his ribs in a surfing accident, right after his father had been arrested. The Walsh's had made him a key so he could come and go as he pleased while he was staying and recuperating from his troubles. Jim and Cindy had seemed to forget to get it back from him, so Brenda told him to keep it. Jim and Cindy didn't know but Brenda had told him to use it before. He used to use it once in awhile late at night, when he wanted to see her, and her folks would be asleep. Brenda would tell him to come over late. He'd come up to her room and they would go at it for hours making love. They had to be quiet, and they never got caught. A few times he had even jumped out the window of her room to leave quietly and not wake up Jim and Cindy, or Brandon. It wasn't that far a jump. "Their key" they called it. He used to walk into her room and she'd be waiting for him. He would feel her body under the covers, and they would both have to muffle the sounds of pleasure, the grunts and moans that could only escape from two people deeply in love, and in need. Those were the nights where the air smelled better and the world seemed to buzz with an electricity he never felt before. Those were the nights that had kept him alive. They were exciting, and real. He still loved her, more than before, because now he knew what life was like without her. If he knew she was in trouble, he couldn't just let her fall. She had never let him.

He had to get up to her room and find it. Find whatever it was Jefferson was giving her to make her eyes look like that. Maybe he was a mad man, but he didn't care. He was mad about her, and a love drunk fool. He had to help her, even if she hated him for it.

Jim's car was at work, and he didn't see Cindy's. Cindy was a stay at home mom, but she would run all kinds of errands during the day. Brandon, and Bren were obviously at school. It was now or never

He parked around the corner to hide his car and walked over to the house looking behind him every few steps. Hopefully the neighbors would not see him and get suspicious, but this was Beverly Hills, and people had to work during the day to afford this fucking place.

He walked up the steps to the front door, and put the key in the lock. Slowly he turned it, and it opened like a charm. Dylan was greeted to the site of Casa Walsh. His home away from- actually the only place that had ever felt like home to him. It still looked the same, but a little different maybe because he didn't feel welcome anymore, and knew he shouldn't be here. He took it in for a moment, but knew he had to hurry. He raced up the stairs to Brenda's room. Pushing her door open, he was inside, and his body went numb. Brenda had taken down all their photos together, and everything he had ever given her. Her room looked naked. It was like any little shred of a memory of him had been erased from existence. He had to take a few breaths. It hurt like hell to see her room like this.

Where were the photos, and all the things he had given her? Probably at the bottom of a landfill somewhere shred to pieces. He knew he deserved this.

Stuffing the hurt away, he had to regain his composure and remember what he was here for. He began to look. He went to her dresser, and starting opening drawers carefully, not to rattle things around, then he went to her dresser drawers, but nothing was turning up. He felt around her dresser, until his eyes fell on a little wooden jewelry box painted with flowers. He opened it carefully and that's when he saw it. It was the half-heart necklace he had given her last Christmas. He had wanted to give her something before he went to see his father in jail. Before he went over to the jail house to visit Jack, he needed Brenda's strength. She had loved the little necklace and been so excited when she opened it. He flash backed to the happy look in her eyes. He still had his half too back at the house. How had the necklace not been thrown out like all the other things. Maybe she had forgotten about it.

Next to the necklace though he saw what he had been looking for. It was about seven small white pills. He knew this wasn't _aspirin._ He didn't have to wonder where it came from. He would kill Jefferson. Quickly he dropped the pills in his pocket. He wasn't going to use them, he just needed to get them out of here, and away from her. From the look on her face earlier, and that _outfit_ he already knew she was high as a kite. God, how he hated himself for doing this to her. He had destroyed her. This was what she had turned to.

Holding his head in his hands he had to sit down. The site of finding drugs in her room was crushing him. He knew he shouldn't sit down and mess up the sheets but he didn't care. He felt too shocked to move, all his fears confirmed. To the side of his eye, he caught sight of something. It was a slip she had left on the bed. He felt like a total creeper but he couldn't resist picking it up. It was silky, and soft in his hands. He actually brought it to his face, and breathed it in. God, it smelled like heaven. He almost wanted to cry like a bitch right there on her bed. He closed his eyes and it was like a dream.

 _The window is open, blowing the curtains and the smell of midnight jasmine around the room. She stands in front of him, as her dark hair sways softly in the wind. The moonlight sends a reflection across her silky purple slip. He reaches out to touch her. His hands want it off, but they just slide across the soft fabric._

 _"I miss you Bren..." he whispers._

 _"I really miss you,"she tells him back, and then she straddles him. Her legs wrapped around his body as he sits at the edge of her bed. His hands reach out, gripping her ass wrapped in the silk, then they slide up her bare thighs. Her hands push him back down onto the bed, and she is a goddess. Having her way with him, controlling him, and owning him. She starts unbuttoning his shirt and pants. As her body moves down his, she looks up at him with the look of pure desire, the look of love and lust. Her cascading hair leaves traces of heat across his body as her skin glows like a furnace. His body is hers for her to do as she wants, and he gives in, gives into her every want and her every need._

 _"Brenda..." he groans._

Dylan shakes himself out of his fantasy, and sets the slip down. He has to get out of here before he's caught and the Walsh's have him arrested.

He closes the jewelry box, and straightens out the drawers. Before he leaves, he takes one last longing look around her room, then down the stairs, and out the door he goes without a trace.

 _ **Author's note: Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Dylan is such a bad boy! I could totally see him being slick like this to help Brenda. I will try to update as much as I can. Happy reading!**_


	9. The New You

Brenda pulled her drawers open, and then slammed them shut again. Where the hell was it? She couldn't find her pills anywhere, and she was a nervous shaking wreck. Her head was throbbing, and her knees felt like they would buckle out from under her. She searched her jewelry box again, and her eyes landed on the half-heart necklace Dylan had given her. She picked it up, wondering why it hadn't gone in the box with all the other things. Dangling it in front of her eyes, it seemed to look like an artifact from an another era. It was from a time that was simple, and innocent. She checked out her reflection in the mirror as she held the necklace.

Today, she had decided to wear a short black dress with cutouts at the hips, and her knee high boots again. She also had on some black lace finger-less gloves she and Jefferson had bought at the Beverly Center yesterday after school. They had had a great time shopping together. Brenda loved trying out this new look. It was so different from her old style. She also wore this cool gold choker at her neck that looked like a snake. Jefferson had insisted she get it. To top it off she had actually crimped her hair. Yesterday when she came home from the mall, she started feeling this urge to organize under her bathroom sink and found an old hair crimper. The crimps made her hair look poofy and wild. She was sure everyone would think it looked terrible, but she really didn't give a shit about having bad hair anymore. She remembered the last time she had experimented with her hair. Kelly had brought over some hair dye that she had said would electrify Brenda's color. The next morning she had woken up with hair the color of barf orange, and the texture of a brillow pad. Now knowing Kelly, maybe she had been trying to make Brenda look ugly on purpose. Brenda had cried about it, and wanted to hide away. It was like that for about a week until she took a jog and ran into Dylan on his bike. Before they started dating they used to do this sexy flirting that would drive her wild whenever they bumped into each other. Dylan had seen her hair and told her it wasn't bad, but still, he took her anyway to get it fixed. It had seemed so important back then to have the right hair, the right clothes, and the right friends. Now it all seemed like a huge waste of time. Fitting in. She realized she must have never really fit in. Maybe this was her fate. There was no more denying the inevitable. All she wanted now were her pills.  
The gold half-heart dangled from her fingers, and suddenly she tossed it across the room.

She continued to push things around her dresser looking for them. Her room looked like a madwoman was living inside it. Clothes were piled up on the floor, and school papers were strewn everywhere. All her books, were disorganized on her shelves. How could she clean, when she didn't have her _energy_ pills?

"Bren what the hell are you wearing?"

Brenda whipped around and Brandon was staring at her as if she was growing two heads.

"Brandon have you been in my room?" Brenda asked urgently ignoring his question.

"Um no Bren, I haven't been in this pigsty. What the hell is going on here?"

Brenda tried to collect herself. "Nothing, I've just have had a lot of homework lately, so I'm behind in my cleaning."

"Right...homework, in that outfit?"

"Brandon can you please just shut up." Brenda put her hands to her temples rubbing them.

"You still haven't answered me about what the hell you're wearing. You know mom, and dad are never going to let you go to school like that."

Brenda had thought of that when she put her clothes on this morning. Yesterday she had lucked out and they hadn't seen her, but today didn't look like she was going to get so lucky. She decided she didn't care. She was 18 now, and her parents couldn't force her to do anything. With all the changes in her life lately she planned to just tell them she was experimenting with fashion. This was Beverly Hills after all. The days of bulky Minnesota sweaters had long been over.

"Brandon aren't I allowed to have some fun with fashion?" Brenda straightened her gloves and adjusted her snake choker. She crossed her arms, and looked at Brandon indignantly.

Brandon thought about that. "Are you sure that's all that's going on here? Experimenting with fashion?"

"Yes." Brenda could barely look him in the eye.

"Bren are you sure you're okay?"

"Brandon yes I'm okay. I mean obviously things have been different, but I'm trying to make the best of it. We're 18 now, and I think it's time we stop trying to be the Minnesota Twins and figure out who the hell we are individually."

Brandon looked down. "But I love the Minnesota Twins," he said.

"I know, so do I. In fact maybe we should both wear matching snake chokers then."

Brandon laughed now. "Alright you win. You can keep the snake chokers. I'm more of a jeans and tee sort of guy anyway."

"Thanks." Brenda smiled at her brother.

"Kay see ya downstairs," he said.

"Yeah see ya. I'll be right there." Brandon left the room and Brenda felt terrible. Lying to her brother was awful, but not having her pills was awful too.

#

Brenda tried to light her smoke, but with her shaking nervous hands, and the light breeze blowing, it was making it possible.

Where the hell was Jefferson? She'd looked everywhere for him today. She really needed a pick me up. Her stash was missing. She must have just misplaced it, with all the cleaning and reorganizing in her room she had been doing. She needed Jefferson to get here fast. He knew the time and place.

She took a deep puff of her cigarette. Everything was running through her mind in a haze of confusion. It had taken everything to convince her parents to let her go to school. When they saw her outfit Jim and Cindy had all but had kittens right there in the kitchen, but in the end they'd caved. Still, the looks on their faces and Brandon's. The guilt was starting to eat her up. She just needed a hit of something and it would be good again. She wouldn't have to think about any of it.

"Looking for these," she heard a voice behind her. His voice.

She turned around swiftly and Dylan was standing there holding up her stash in a zip lock bag.

Brenda's eyed him shocked. She threw her cigarette down, as she approached him angrily.

"It was you? You broke into my house what are you crazy!?" Brenda snarled at him.

"No not crazy, just not on speed," Dylan said

"Give them to me now Dylan!" Brenda reached for the bag, but Dylan moved it out of her reach.

"Real mature!" Brenda yelled. "I'm out of here." She started to march away.

"Jefferson won't be on his way anytime soon to get you more. I locked him in a broom closet. Don't worry though, the janitor should find him before the last of his brain cells rot away."

Brenda stopped in her tracks, and turned around again to face him.

"What would you know about brain cells, you're a drunk."

"Actually I'm very sober right now. Maybe it took seeing you like this to get there," Dylan said seriously.

"I doubt that. After all you're such a good liar."

"Bren let me help you," Dylan begged now shaking his head.

"I don't want your help. I don't want anything from you."

"This isn't you Bren," Dylan said sadly.

"Oh really? How the hell would you know what's me? I mean haven't you been busy fucking my best friend for the last six months."

Dylan couldn't respond. Her words burned off her tongue like acid. They were finally having it out.

"Bren please don't do this."

"I think I'll do whatever the hell I want Dylan. I mean isn't that what you did? Now give me my goddamn pills."

Brenda reached for them again, but Dylan moved them away quicker.

"You want them? Here here you go!" he shouted as he reached into the bag scooping them out, then he threw them off into the distance away from them.

"You're a bastard! I hate you!" she screamed at him.

"I hate you too!" he yelled back indignantly. "Here you can have your key back too!" He showed her the key, and then also threw if off into the distance.

They stood there glaring at each other angrily with their chests heaving, but something in her sad tired eyes softened Dylan. She was in so much pain, and she didn't want to be helped. He knew this all too well. That's how it goes when it gets you, addiction. It's like invisible quicksand sucking you down deep and fast before you even have a chance to get out.

Brenda was about to turn around again but he grabbed her hand. Holding it and stroking her fingers.

"She isn't you Bren," he pleaded looking into her eyes.

Obviously she knew who the _she_ he was referring to was.

Brenda took deep breaths. His eyes, they were so sincere, like they always had been, but it was too late.

"It doesn't matter now. What's done is done Dylan. There's no going back," she spoke quietly.

"I don't believe that," Dylan insisted. "You always told me I was stronger than the booze that I didn't need it. Well you don't need this either. You're too good Bren. If you weren't, I wouldn't be standing here right now. I'd probably be dead..." Dylan's voice caught in his throat.

Brenda couldn't speak. All she wanted to do was fall into his arms. All she wanted to was let him hold her forever.

The wind tussled the trees softly as tears dripped from her eyes. She dropped Dylan's hand.

"I have to go find Jefferson," she told him, her voice cracking. Then she turned and started to walk away.

Dylan followed and wrapped his arms around her, with her back facing him. Trying to hold her to him. Wanting her to feel how _here_ he was for her. Wanting her to know he would do anything to make it right.

For a brief moment she gave in and just let him hold her. It was just them and the trees. They were two people totally lost in the world, not knowing how to get back.

"No!" she yelled suddenly pushing him away. "Let me go! Just don't!" She shoved him back now away from her. Her face was angry and indignant.

Startled by her anger, Dylan watched her go helplessly. It was almost as if the wind was carrying her away.


	10. Ready or Not

_Author's Note :_ _Thank you guys so much for all your reviews. It means the world to me, and really keeps me going seeing your feedback. I appreciate everyone who took the time to check out this story, and I so hope you're loving it, because I'm having so much fun writing it for you, and for me. It's so great to come on here, and be back in our favorite zip code!_

 **Ready or Not**

Kelly stood in front of her full length mirror checking out her ass in her new dress. It was her birthday today, and she needed to look just right for her _surprise._ She'd noticed the way Steve and everyone had been talking without her, and she managed to overhear David on the phone in his bedroom talking about the party details with Donna. Still, she would make sure to act surprised for everyone.

She actually felt shocked she was actually being thrown a party. Deep down, she knew she didn't deserve it, but Steve and Donna always seemed to love her no matter what. They would always be her Beverly Hills blond squad. After everything though it felt like there was a one way ticket to hell with her name on it coming soon, but it was her birthday and maybe it would be good for the whole gang to be together again for a change. Everyone except for Brenda. Kelly knew Brenda would never show up. It made her so sad, but how could she really expect Brenda to want to be there? She had been over and over it in her mind, and just wanted to stop thinking about it. It was her birthday and she would try to get ready to turn 18 with a fresh start.

She wore this sexy red dress she had picked up on Rodeo a few days ago, after she learned about the surprise. The dress said fun, and sexy but not sleazy she hoped.

After getting the dress she had to secure herself a date, and Dylan hadn't been acting like much a boyfriend for awhile. It barely felt like they were dating. It wasn't all his fault. She had been distant too. She hated admitting to herself, that it was just not working out with her and Dylan. Something just wasn't "there" between them. Sure, they had the sex, but after kissing Brandon she didn't know how Dylan could ever really fulfill her physically, or emotionally again. It was like they were both apples, Brandon, and Dylan, and biting into Brandon was sweet and crunchy, while Dylan's apple was rotten, and full of worms. Brandon Walsh was all she could think about now.

When she picked up the red dress, she had really been wondering if Brandon would like how it looked on her vs Dylan. In the last week alone she had had some pretty x-rated dreams about Mr. Boy-Scout Brandon. She and Brandon were total opposites, and it drove her wild. She really wanted to see what a good boy like him was like in bed. She mentally shamed herself for even thinking it. Dylan was on his way over to pick her up for the party.

When she found out about the surprise she cornered Dylan at lunch to tell him he needed to show up at her house to take her. She realized he had no idea about the party. Steve hadn't been talking to him, and neither had Brandon or really anyone else from the gang. Dylan had been keeping his distance from everyone, most of all her. Still, that day at lunch he was totally preoccupied and seemed like he would have agreed to anything just to be on his way.

Kelly also noticed Dylan's nose was bruised. Steve told her that Brandon, and Dylan had been fighting. Steve said it was over Brenda, but Kelly wasn't completely sure if that had been all of it. Still, Dylan hadn't asked her anything about Brandon, but maybe he just didn't care. She realized she really needed to talk to Dylan tonight about Brandon and about how they were avoiding the train wreck that was their coupling. Maybe it was best to get it all out in the open. Tonight was the night.

Kelly slipped into her red heels, and wished it could be Brandon picking her up tonight. He'd show up at her door, with his sexy green eyes shining, and sweep her into a kiss that would leave her eager for them to get back home fast, then she'd make him dance with her all night, and they'd laugh about what a bad dancer he was, and then go home and get naked. Brandon made her feel alive and beautiful, and he never expected anything. With Dylan and every other guy it was like she had to be Kelly Nympho Taylor always ready to "put out." She almost wanted to cry. Could Brandon ever really happen now? She had complicated everything to the point of destruction.

Just then, she heard a loud honking from outside. She peeked out her window blinds, and it was Dylan, sitting in his car looking impatient. Wasn't it just like him to honk, and not bother getting out of the car to treat her like a lady. Why didn't he just have her wait on the side of the curb for him like a hooker?

She sighed and slipped on her other red shoe. It was time to be the birthday girl.

#

Brenda ran the dark maroon lip color over her lips carefully. She was actually going to show up, to Kelly's party tonight. It was the last place she wanted to be, but she wanted to teach Dylan a lesson. She was bringing Jefferson. After finding out Dylan had broken into her bedroom, locked Jefferson in a broom closet, and then tossed her stash it was time for him to get a lesson in humility. Brenda and Jefferson were going to make their big debut, as a sort of couple. She actually didn't know what she and Jefferson were. After she rescued him from the broom closet, he had filled her up again with her little white speed pills, and had also offered her some Vicodin, and Oxycontin to take the edge off, so she wouldn't do anything too erratic. Since then, they had shared a couple short kisses, but they definitely hadn't slept together, still Jefferson was who she had been spending all her time with, and it was time for Dylan to learn that he wasn't the only one who could go on and start a new life without her.

Brenda fluffed her hair out in the mirror. For the party she had chosen a short, simple, but sexy black dress, and choker. She had her leather jacket on over it. It was the same one she had worn that terrible day in the park, but she didn't feel like that weak girl anymore. The one who had spent months under her blankets, with mascara running down her cheeks. She now felt like a bad-ass, ready to get even. She hated the old her now. The new Brenda seemed to be getting by just fine lately with a little help from her pills.

#

Brandon adjusted his shirt in the mirror, and ran his hands through his hair. He also spritzed himself with his favorite cologne. He started to feel like he was overdoing it. Who was he kidding? This party was going to be the most awkward event of the year. The woman of his dreams, the birthday girl, would be there with another guy who used to be his best friend, but who he now just wanted to punch in the face every time he saw him. He just wanted to get in and get out, wish Kelly a happy birthday, and try not to dream about her anymore.

They hadn't really gotten to talk since he punched Dylan. He had been avoiding her. What could he say, "I'm in love with you," but you wrecked my sister's life and you're dating her ex-boyfriend. It was all one big messy jumble. Maybe just getting out and seeing the gang again would be good though. This was one of the final big parties before graduation. Soon they would all be going their separate ways. The thought of not seeing Kelly anymore around school regularly, made him dread graduating now.

Brandon heard music coming from Brenda's room. He walked to her side of the bathroom, and pushed her bedroom door open. She was standing in front of her mirror getting ready dressed like she was going out.

"Bren, you going out?" he asked his sister

"Duh, Brandon I'm going to the party," Brenda answered not looking away from the mirror.

"You are?" Brandon couldn't believe it.  
"Yes, you're going, so why can't I?"

"Well I mean I'm totally psyched you're going, I just thought you know you and Kelly hadn't been too...you know..." he trailed off.

"Well you have no problem being there so why should I?" Brenda was applying eyeliner now.

"What do you mean?" Brandon stepped further into her room.

"I mean you're still Kelly's friend even after what she did to me."

Brandon didn't know what to say, but he felt about three inches tall. "Well I mean yeah Bren, Kelly is a friend, but you're my sister, and that means more to me than you could ever know."

"I guess." Brenda fluffed her hair out.

Brandon didn't understand her. "What is this a guilt trip Brenda? For not joining the I hate Kelly fan club with you?"

Brenda stopped what she was doing. "Brandon no, of course not. I really don't want to drag you into this."

"Bren you gotta know, I do hate them so much for what they did to you. I hate all of this. All of us walking on eggshells not knowing what to say to each other. I don't want it to be like this."

"Well neither do I, that's why I am going to the party, and I'm bringing a date. I think it's all time we move on, and stop feeling sorry for ourselves."

"So who's the lucky guy?" Brandon asked his sister.

"It's a surprise," Brenda smirked.

Brandon wanted to press her but decided to drop it. "I'm just glad you're going, so see you there?"

"Yeah, see ya."

Brandon turned around to leave.

"Brandon," Brenda called his name again.

"Yeah?  
"I'm sorry for how I've been acting."

Brandon smiled. "We're all just glad you're feeling better Bren"

Brenda smiled back at her brother. "Yeah me too."

Brandon gave her a wave. When he turned around and shut her door, she opened up her tiny tin quickly, and placed five pills in the palm of her hand, reaching for her water, she downed them all, and grabbed her purse as she heard Jefferson's honk outside. There was no turning back now.

#

Dylan and Kelly drove to the party together wordlessly. The night was windy and cool for Los Angeles. There was a weird awkward silence between them, neither really knowing what to say to the other. Dylan could feel Kelly glancing at him throughout the ride. He turned on the car stereo to drown out the quiet, but Kelly quickly flipped it off.

"Dylan what is going on with you?" she asked irritated.

Dylan looked at her now, and let out a sigh. "Nothing Kel, I've just had a lot on my mind that's all.

After that confrontation with Brenda, Dylan had gone numb. The way she had screamed at him, and begged for her pills, she was so far gone, and he was terrified. Brenda was a ticking time bomb. He knew he needed to get her real help. She obviously didn't want it from him, so he had to find some way. He had been this close to just knocking on her door, and telling Jim and Cindy but he thought maybe he should try Brandon again. That was why he was going to the party tonight. He was hoping to finally get a real chance to talk to Brandon, where maybe Brandon wouldn't be as temped to punch him in the face if they were at a birthday party. If that failed, Jim and Cindy it was. He hated to tell on her, but the other possibility was far worse. She could hate him until the day he died if she wanted, as long as he knew he had tried to save her. He deserved to be hated anyway.

"Dylan I feel like we can't even talk to each other anymore. You're never around, and when you are you're always moody, and I just feel like I can't say anything right." Kelly continued

"Kel do you really want to to this right now?" Dylan pulled the Porsch into the Peach Pit lot, pulling in kind of rough.

"Well there _never_ seems to be a good time with you Dylan."

"Look Kel, it's your birthday, let's just go in and see our friends."

Kelly got out of the car without him opening it for her, and made sure to slam his door hard. "You know what Dylan, I'm obviously not number one in your life, so maybe I shouldn't be in your life."

"Right Kel, it's always about you isn't it." Dylan was so tired of arguing with her.

"Well it is my birthday, not that you care." Kelly starting walking fast toward the entrance of the pit.

"Oh I care, I care so much that I went to your house, and picked you up, and put on this stupid tie." Dylan started undoing his tie, and threw it to the ground.

"Next time choke on it," Kelly said as she pushed the Peach Pit doors open.

"Surprise!" everyone yelled jumping out from the dark like jack in the boxes.

Kelly tried to smile, and hoped they couldn't see the fresh tears that were forming in her eyes. Maybe, they would all just think they were tears of happiness.

As her friends came around to hug and greet her, she searched helplessly through the crowd for Brandon's green eyes.


	11. Life of the Party

**Life of the Party**

"Happy Birthday Kelly!"

Everyone gathered around to wish Kelly a Happy Birthday, and she was once again the queen of West Beverly.

Brandon watched the crowd swallow her up, as he tried to make his way over to wish her a happy birthday. She looked sensational in a sexy red curve hugging dress, with her blonde hair shimmering like a sun.

He immediately remembered them in the back room a few weeks ago at the Pit. He pictured them back there again with her wearing that dress, but he tried to stuff the thought away. After his chat with Brenda back in her room he knew that she wasn't going to react well to him admitting he was falling for Kelly, besides Kelly had just walked in with Dylan who looked like he just smelled something bad in the air. Dylan sure knew how to put on his party face.

Brandon finally reached her as she was hugging Donna.

"Happy Birthday Kel," he sort of whispered, as she and Donna pulled away.

"Brandon," Kelly said softly.

Before he could think of something clever to say she threw her arms around him, and hugged him tightly. He hugged her back just as fast. They clung to each other in the middle of the room, as the Peach Pit came alive with the sounds of music, from Nat's juke box, and the sizzling of the grill. The place was packed. Despite all the drama Kelly had gotten herself into lately, she was still the most popular girl in school, and from the turnout at the Pit for her birthday, it showed.

Brandon held her close, as it seemed like she didn't want to let go. She clung to him, but finally they pulled apart.

"I'm so glad you're here," she told him.

"There's no place I'd rather be right now Kel," he said honestly.

"You know I'm not really too big on surprises, but with you here there definitely feels like something to celebrate."

"Just don't expect me to dance, though kay."

"Ahh, that means you're definitely going to dance," Kelly teased.

"No I'm not Kel,"

"Oh yes you are," Kelly said in her sexy baby voice.

"Well maybe I'll save my one and only for you. After all, I can do a mean Lambada," Brandon cracked as Kelly beamed at his joke.

"Ahem..." someone cleared their throat loudly to the side interrupting their flirty banter. It was Dylan.

Brandon hadn't spoken to him since the fight at his locker. He figured though maybe Dylan had accepted the punch in defense of Brenda, after all if Dylan was really all that mad about it, he could have also took a shot at him, like he'd told him would happen if Brandon ever dared punch him again.

"Hey..." Brandon replied stiffly to Dylan. Now wasn't the time for their bro handshake with Kelly standing in the middle of them.

"Brandon do you think I could talk to you for a minute?" Dylan asked him seemingly ignoring the flirting with Kelly he had just heard.

Brandon thought about it a moment. He didn't want to get into a big talk with Dylan right now about their fight. He just wanted to enjoy the party, and try not to remember the way Kelly's hair had smelled as he hugged her. Things were hard enough.

Kelly eyed them both, as they looked to her questioningly. "I'm gonna go say hi to Andrea," she said excusing herself, as she gave Dylan a salty glare.

"So what can I do for you Dylan?" Brandon asked. There was no trace of the friendliness in his voice that they used to share.

"Brandon look it's about your sister-" Dylan started.

Brandon shook his head rolling his eyes. "You know you're too much McKay. You're here with Kelly, yet you're still talking about Brenda."

"Look Brandon if you would just shut up, and let me finish."

"No I'm not going to shut up. I've heard enough already." Brandon started trying to walk away.

"Your sister is on drugs man," Dylan called out to him.

That made Brandon turn around, as his back stiffened.

"Yeah, that's right your sister is on drugs. Speed, and god knows what else. She's been hanging with that clown Jefferson Stanley right? He's the one giving it to her."

Brandon felt stunned. "What the hell are you talking about?" he said back to Dylan

"Haven't you seen the way she's been acting man? The outfits, and the strange behavior. I saw them, the pills."

"What do you mean you saw them?"

"Look I saw her with them, trust me."

Brandon let out a sort of disbelieving chuckle. "Right I should trust you, the guy who cheated on my sister with her best friend. You know the guy I used to think of as my best friend before he thought it was perfectly fine to destroy my sister's life, and forget everything she and my family has done for him."

"Brandon would you just stop it. If you would take the time to stop daydreaming about Kelly for a minute, maybe you could see what's wrong with your sister, who's on speed in the room right next to you man."

Brandon couldn't believe his ears. He got up super close in Dylan's face, resisting every urge inside him to punch him again. "You ever talk about my sister like that again, and I'll-"

Just then, Brenda entered the party with Jefferson Stanley on her arm. It almost felt like the music in the room stopped for a moment, as they entered. They were laughing, and smiling together.

"Wooohooo, partay time!" Jefferson yelled out to the room throwing up the rock n roll symbol with his hands.

"Wooo!" Brenda yelled with him.

Dylan couldn't believe Brenda had actually showed up for Kelly's birthday. Seeing her there with Jefferson was like watching a car wreck in slow motion. It was disturbing, and painful, but you couldn't turn away.

Brandon stared at his sister. He should have guessed Jefferson would be her date. He had heard them talking on the phone quite a bit lately. He remembered Brenda's room smelling like weed, but pot wasn't speed.

"I'll go over there with you right now, and we can show him the exit," Dylan said to Brandon.

Brandon watched his sister for a moment. She and Jefferson were already dancing. Brenda was having a good time, and deserved a night out.

Instead of answering Dylan all he said was, "Stay away from my sister, and get out of my face McKay." With that Brandon walked away to go talk to Steve.

Dylan stood there, feeling like he was in the twilight zone. Running his hands threw his hair, he headed outside to the back of the Pit. Once he got outside, he found his car, and pulled out a flask he had hidden inside his glove compartment. He started to down it with a ferocity, like a thirsty failure.

Fighting his own demons was getting harder and harder. His sobriety had been off and on lately. With everything inside him, he wanted to be sober to help Brenda, but losing her, and now losing Brandon's trust was like a shot to his soul. The Walsh twins were finished with him.

He wondered if he should just hit the gas and never look back.

#

Brenda and Jefferson walked through the party, and could feel the eyes of their classmates staring at them, and backing out of their way like they were repulsed. They were probably wondering why Brenda was here, since it was no secret that she and Kelly had had the falling out of the century. Brenda didn't give a shit what any of them thought of her or Jefferson. It was a free country, and it wasn't her fault that they all had a bunch of sticks up their asses. She couldn't believe she used to associate with any of these people.

Brenda looked around for her brother, and spotted him across the room talking to Steve. Then she saw Donna and David dancing, and Steve and Andrea in a booth. No sign of Dylan though. She had wanted him to see her with Jefferson, but now she felt a sense of disappointment that he might not even be here at all. Even though it was Kelly's party catching a glimpse of him every now and then still did something to her, and she hated the heat that would betray her body every time she saw his face. No matter how much she hated him, the need for him wouldn't go away. Her body reminded her every time he was nearby.

"I'm going to go get us something to drink," Jefferson shouted over the roar of the party.

Brenda had never seen the Peach Pit so packed. It was wall to wall bodies, all here for Kelly. She felt queasy with jealousy. Why was Kelly Taylor always so damn celebrated?

She turned back to Jefferson a bit distracted. "Sure, sure..." she told him still scanning the room for Dylan. What was the point of even being here, if she didn't get to show him she was here with her own date?

"Kay be right back," Jefferson assured her.

Brenda nodded, and folded her arms walking through the party a bit more. It felt so strange to be back at a big event like this. She had been spending all her time ditching class, or hanging behind the gym with Jefferson. She forgot how many students actually went to West Beverly. She started taking deep nervous breaths, and her heart felt like it was beating extra fast. Being around so many people, was causing her to sweat hard.

"Brenda..."

Brenda turned to the left, and standing beside her was Kelly. I guess she was the guest of honor after all.

Brenda didn't know what to say. She decided to try the basics. "Hi Kelly..." she said rigidly.

"I'm glad you're here," Kelly said actually smiling.

Brenda looked at her, and all she felt was more anger and pain in her heart. She hated that it had to be like this between them. If the summer had never happened she would have wrapped Kelly in a hug, and wished her the happiest birthday ever. She would have helped plan the party with Steve, and Donna and gotten a kick out of surprising her best friend. Right now they would be discussing what colleges they were going to go to, and what they wanted to wear to prom, but they couldn't do that now. It was all over. Losing a best friend, was like losing yourself. The biggest pain of all she realized, was she and Kelly had never been as close as she thought they were. Had Kelly really loved her like a sister, she would have never did what she did with Dylan this summer.

"Yeah, I'm here." Brenda replied not able to look her in the eye.

"Back with the drinks my little Brendina," Jefferson called now holding their punch above his head, as he bobbed and weaved through the crowd.

"Great, see ya Kelly," Brenda said greeting Jefferson.

Jefferson gave Kelly a look. "Well hello there, happy birthday to you," he said snidely.

Brenda knew Kelly couldn't be too happy at having Jefferson "leprosy" Stanley here at her big party, but instead of showing she minded she just walked away.

Brenda and Jefferson looked at each other and burst out laughing as she walked off.

"Who put sand in her toilet paper?" Jefferson asked

"Who cares, let's just go dance." Brenda pulled Jefferson towards her, gripping his hands. When she pulled her hands away, he had dropped two little white pills in her palm discreetly.

Looking down at them, then back up at him, she smiled and took a big gulp of punch as she washed them down.

#

Kelly walked away from Brenda. She couldn't believe she was here with Jefferson Stanley of all people. She wanted to go back there, and tell Jefferson to get the hell out of her party but at least Brenda had shown up. It was a start she supposed despite the icy reception Brenda had given her.

Kelly took a seat in her booth wondering where the hell Dylan was. She was the birthday girl, and was sitting all by herself. To her delight Brandon wedged into the seat next to her.

"So what's Kelly Taylor doing sitting alone, at her own birthday?" he asked her.

"I was just asking myself that same thing." Kelly said smoothing out her dress. She could feel Brandon's leg resting against her own and she had to resist the urge to put her hand on his leg, and start kissing him madly. Instead she tried to just keep making conversation. "So what was all that between you and Dylan before?"

"You saw that huh?"

"Yeah is he mad at you or something? I mean he always seems to be mad at me."

"Something like that. It's not even worth figuring out anymore. Who's mad at who and all that. I mean it's our senior year, we should be having the time of our lives shouldn't we?"

"I think I am having the time of my life," Kelly said softly, smiling at him sexily. She moved her hand on the table to touch his.

Brandon looked down at their hands together, and then into her eyes. "You know I'm probably going to regret this, but do you want to dance Kel?"

"I told you, I'd get you to." She stood up now pulling Brandon toward the dance floor.

"I don't know what it is about Kelly Taylor, but she gets these feet moving," Brandon said as a fast song started to bang around them. Kelly started swaying around, and dropped her body lower down his body, as she made her way back up to look him in the eye. It was obvious to anyone watching that this was more than just a dance.

#

Steve and Andrea sat next to each other in a booth, with their mouths hanging open, watching Brandon dance with Kelly.

"I don't get it Andrea. Are we being played for fools here?" Steve asked dumbfounded.

They watched as Kelly and Brandon pulled their bodies close to each other and swayed around in a sort of trance.

"It looks that way Steve," Andrea said matter of factly. She felt the same disappointment Steve did watching them. It was obvious to anyone with eyes that Brandon and Kelly had the hots for each other. She felt like a fool. As usual, she was far from Brandon Walsh's mind.

"I don't get it, I throw Kelly this party, and she's still out there dancing with someone else...Things never go my way." Steve wined

"Me neither." Andrea sighed and took another sip of her coke trying to peel her eyes away.

Steve looked at Andrea sitting next to him. He didn't want to be alone at this party anymore than she did. They both sort of understood each other in a way. He remembered that time years ago where they had been studying for the SAT'S together. Andrea had taken her glasses off, and looked pretty sexy lying on his bed, all nerdy, and smart like. Before he could think it over, he had started kissing her, and she had kissed him back. It had been a good kiss. A great one actually, and he wouldn't have stopped it had Andrea not freaked out, and ran out of his room, only to go pine for Brandon for the next few years.

"You know Andrea, it's getting kind of stuffy in here. Maybe we could go get some fresh air." Steve asked, with urgency filling his voice.

Andrea looked up at him reading his mind. "I think I'd like that," she said fast.

They stared at each other, then quickly hurried out of their booth together.

#

Brenda watched as Jefferson sprayed a can of whip cream down his throat messily, as they sat at the Peach Pit counter. People were eyeing them and scooting away, making faces. Brenda found it all hysterical though.

"Arhhh...this party sucks," Jefferson said through a mouth full of cool whip. He then took some of the cool whip and blotted it on Brenda's nose.

She wiped it off swatting at him. "Maybe you just need some more you know...happy pills." Brenda said secretly to him.

"Nope, nope I think I'm done. Let's just get out of here. I know some dudes down in the valley who can throw a rager much better than this. Let's jam."

Brenda wasn't ready to leave. She hadn't even spotted Dylan yet, so he hadn't gotten a chance to see them together. That was the point of this whole night.

"Can't we just hang a little more," Brenda pleaded.

"Ugh, why do you even want to be here? These people are like stuffed shirts." Jefferson made a face at a dude who was glaring at him, and scooting away from them.

"Come on don't leave me here." Brenda said louder. She could feel her heart pace quicken, and she was sweating profusely. Her skin felt itchy, like she wanted to claw at her own face, and Jeffersons. "Sorry Brendina, I'm done. Here you can have the rest." He dropped a few more pills in her hand. "Catch you at school." Jefferson hopped off the stool now.

"You can't just leave," Brenda called after him angry, but the little bell over the Peach Pit door jingled and then he was gone.

She looked around now. People were making faces at her, and moving away. She immediately felt like a total outcast. I guess being seen around school lately with Jefferson hadn't exactly increased her popularity, it had more like destroyed it. Donna and David had barely spoken to her the whole party, and everyone else seemed to be avoiding her. Feeling stressed, she threw the rest of the pills down her throat.

The room started to feel like it was made of mush. Her legs and arms felt like heavy limp appendages hanging off her body. She started scratching at her arms wildly. Then she saw them. It was Kelly and Brandon dancing closely together. Brenda knew that look on Kelly's face well. You don't hang out with Kelly Taylor for three years without picking up on the signs. The signs when she was making her moves. She was whispering something in Brandon's ear while she touched his chest. Brandon laughed at whatever she said throwing his head back. The noise around her started to sound as if someone was taking a record from the jute box and playing it in slow motion. She stood up from the counter stool wobbling a bit, and started walking towards them.

#

Dylan was downing his flask outside of the party against a brick wall next to the Peach Pit back entrance. He was deciding if he should even bother to go back inside when the back door opened suddenly, and out came Steve and Andrea locked in a passionate embrace. They were sucking face as if the world was ending, and moaning. They didn't even notice Dylan standing next to the door, they were so into it.

Dylan made a face at them, not that they noticed. "Well I think that's enough for me," he said out loud dumping the rest of the brown liquid out of the flask and stuffing it back into his pocket.

He opened the door up, and decided to go back to the party. He was doing everything in his power, to not go back in and murder Jefferson.

#

Brenda tried to walk faster, but it felt like she was dragging her limbs along. She knocked into some nasty girl named Marina Seltzer who was another Beverly Hills princess with a Beamer.

"Gross out of my way!" she yelled at Brenda pushing her back into the crowd.

Brenda steadied herself, and kept walking forward until she was close enough. The anger felt like it would crush her. She was seeing fire behind her eyes.

She reached them, and with all her might she shoved Kelly forward pushing her back into some tables.

"So it's onto my brother now!" she screamed at her.

"Brenda what the hell is wrong with you!" Brandon yelled out.

"What the hell?" Kelly cried. She had knocked into some guy with a drink as she fell, and it was splattered all over her dress now. She looked up at Brenda shocked, as she struggled to gather herself.

"Have you lost your mind!" Brandon yelled at her, as he tried to help Kelly up, but Brenda charged at her again.

#

Dylan walked into the party and realized the music had stopped and there was a huge commotion going on. He pushed through the crowd and saw Brenda acting like a maniac. She was reaching for Kelly as David tried to hold her back now.

"Brenda, oh my god!" Donna shouted out next to them.

Brandon was helping Kelly up.

"You bitch!" Brenda screamed as she tried to get around David to Kelly.

Dylan pushed David away and got in front of Brenda. "Bren, Bren..." he said her name.

Brenda could sort of make out Dylan's face now. She gripped at his arms as her breathing became slow and ragged. She couldn't catch her breath. The room felt like it was dropping out from under her. She tried, tried, to steady herself, but the world pushed her down, and to the ground she crumbled.


	12. Sounds and Shadows

**Sounds and Shadows**

The sounds of Nat's jukebox, and happy birthday were now replaced with hospital beeps, doctors being paged, and nurses rolling carts of medicine down long lonely halls. Dylan held his head in his hands wishing he could drown them out. He could see them, him and Brenda laughing on the green grass at school, and splashing in the surf together as he gave her her first lesson. He wanted to hear those sounds again, not these. He wanted to envision her with her eyes sparkling, and healthy, and her long hair incandescent and flowing. But now here they were. Brenda was lying in a hospital bed unconscious, and he was in a sickly gray waiting room. She had collapsed in his arms, like a broken doll. He and Brandon were attempting CPR, by the time the paramedics got there. They had rolled her onto the stretcher, with an oxygen mask. He had been terrified as the paramedics loaded her into the ambulance, and closed the doors, that it would be the last sight he ever saw of her.

He'd so badly wanted to ride with her, but Brandon jumped in. Brandon was beside himself in tears as it all went down. They were all in tears. How had it come to this?

Everyone was here from the gang. Brandon was calling his folks right now to give them the news.

Dylan said a million prayers every second, as they waited. He'd never asked god for anything before really, but he was asking for this. He needed Brenda to open her eyes, and be alright. He needed it more than he needed the air in his own body.

Dylan wiped at the tears in his eyes. He felt so guilty. He had done this to her. His actions, had consequences, and those consequences had arrived. If he could right now, he'd trade places with her in a millisecond and lie there instead. She didn't deserve this. She hadn't deserved any of it.

Dylan could hear the sounds of agony, as Cindy and Jim arrived. Cindy was a mess, and her father looked sick. Brandon went to his parents, and hugged them hard.

There was nothing to do but wait, as they all gathered together in the waiting area to get news. Every time they heard footsteps they would jump, thinking it was the doctor coming to give them an update. Nobody spoke.

Finally, after what felt like the rest of his life, a doctor approached. Everyone stood. Dylan's mouth went dry, as his legs shook. He clutched at his gut.

"We've treated Brenda, and-

"Yes Dr. is she going to be alright? Please say she'll be alright," Cindy pleaded.

"She's going to be alright," the doctor said encouragingly.

"Yeah!"  
"Thank god!

They all began to cheer, and hug.

"We had to give Brenda an injection of Naloxone. Her breathing had gravely slowed. The Naloxone will block the large amounts of prescription drugs we found in her system from interfering with her respiration. She'll need to be here a few days so we can monitor her, and get her on a treatment plan to recovery, but she will be awake soon, and you can see her," the doctor informed them all.

"Oh thank god!" Cindy let out a huge gasp, as she, Jim, and Brandon hugged hard.

Dylan let out his own breath he had been holding, and unclenched his fists. Brenda would wake up soon. She was alive. His heart began to beat frantically again, thinking of how different this all could have gone.

Jim, and Cindy stepped to the side now with the doctor to speak with him privately, while the rest of the gang sat.

"I had no idea this was happening to Bren," Donna wiped at her eyes with a tissue. "I feel like such a terrible friend." David rubbed at her shoulders trying to make her feel better.

"We all feel bad Don." Steve spoke softly sitting next to Andrea.

"You feel bad? I'm her brother, and she sleeps in the room right next to me, and I had no idea she was abusing pills," Brandon spoke. His eyes were rimmed with red, and he was sniffling hard. "You tried to tell me D. You tried to tell me, and I wouldn't listen."

The gangs eyes fell to Dylan, but he didn't want to say _I told you so_. He wished he had been wrong. He and Brandon looked at each other sadly in a show of understanding. It didn't matter now who had been right or wrong. There didn't seem like any words to answer Brandon with. Dylan hung his head, clasping his hands together.

"You know me being here will probably just make it worse for her. Maybe I should just go," Kelly spoke now.

"No stay Kel, Bren needs any and all support she can get right now," Brandon answered her.

Kelly sat looking guilty like Dylan.

"You know it's nobodies fault right you guys? Andrea said suddenly. They looked at her. "None of us gave her the pills, or forced her to take them. Nobody wanted to see this happen so we can't blame ourselves. Support her yes, but blame no."

Andrea always tried to be the voice of reason but Dylan didn't want to hear it right now. He could take the blame. He'd take it all on his shoulders, and the world for her too.

"Well I stil feel terrible." Donna wiped at her eyes while David rubbed her head.

Jim approached. "They're asking for just immediate family right now, I hate to tell you all."

"I'll let you guys know when she's ready for you," Brandon sat up now, and walked off with his parents to go see Brenda.

"I could really go for some coffee," David said in between biting his nails.

"Same here Silver." Steve stood up now taking Andrea's hand with him.

"Kel, Dylan, you guys want to come?" Donna asked.

Dylan gave her his answer by staring at the floor.

"Actually I think I'll stay here," Kelly replied.

"Okay see you guys in a little bit." Donna tried to give a hopeful smile, as she walked off with David, Andrea, and Steve.

It was just Dylan and Kelly now left in the waiting room with the gray floor and walls. Kelly stood up now, and crossed the chairs to sit next to Dylan. Dylan had his hands clasped still, with his head down.

Kelly took a breath. "You know I keep asking myself why all this happened, and I can't figure it out."

"I guess we messed up," Dylan replied. His voice was thick from not having spoken for awhile.

"We did," Kelly whispered back. She reached for Dylan's hand now, and he took it in his, looking at her. "It never needed to happen, because you love her. You always will." Kelly swallowed hard.

Dylan looked at her hand in his. "I want you to be happy Kel. I don't want to hurt you," he spoke softly.

"You're not hurting me Dylan, and I will be happy...hopefully soon, maybe someday...as long as you'll always be my friend."

"I'll always be your friend Kel." Dylan meant it. Kelly was his friend, they had always been friends, but they weren't meant to be. They had had fun that summer, but it was wrong. "This summer I think we were both lost, looking for something Kel. We made mistakes."

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Kelly asked him.

Dylan knew he had. He had found that Brenda wasn't just his love, she was his soulmate. It didn't matter if Brenda was never his again. They shared a connection, one that went down deep to their very cores. Brenda would always be his religion. She'd be the one who made him believe. She knew his mind, and heart. She would be the one he'd cry for. She'd be the one who could break him down, and who made him want to be more than a lifeless drunk. He knew now, it didn't matter if she was in Paris on the other side of the world, or if he was left on a beach. Wherever Brenda was, he could find the path home.

"Did _you_ find what you were looking for? Dylan returned the question to Kelly.

"I think I did." Kelly smiled a bit now. He knew she was referring to Brandon.

"Then I'm happy for you Kel," Dylan said sincerely.

They shared a look as Dylan held her hand tight. Kelly kissed him on the cheek.

It was a goodbye kiss. Dylan and Kelly knew they were over.

#

The gang came back to see her, but learned that the doctors wanted to let Brenda rest for the rest of the night. They were all just glad she was going to be alright. Dylan was going to leave too, but then he stayed and watched as the nurse closed her door behind her. When nobody was looking, he walked into her room quietly, and saw her.

She was laying there so fragile, and drained, but she still looked like an angel. He stepped closer to her, and couldn't resist kissing the tips of his hands and putting them so softly to her forehead. Delicately he pulled her cover closer to her.

Next to the wall, he saw a chair, and sat. He looked at her in the dark, with her monitors and iv attached. He didn't care what the nurses would say, he'd stay the whole night, and be gone by morning.

He watched her sleep remembering the way she had looked at his hospital bed more than a year ago. He had cracked his ribs badly surfing, and she had stepped into the room. She was the first sight his eyes had seen after the waves had pounded and crushed his body. The only hope left after his father had been thrown in jail. He'd be there for her now, even if she never knew.

#

Brenda's eyes opened to the sun breaking through the window. She was alone in a room, and didn't know where she was until she saw her hospital sheets, and heard the machines beeping. All she remembered was a shadow against the wall.

 _So yay Brenda is awake! Thank goodness! So Kelly and Dylan finally break up in this chapter. I will admit that while I do think Dylan and Kelly had feelings for each other, I just feel they realized they weren't compatible in the end. I really wish the show had realized this too a lot sooner. I so feel Brenda should have had the pill story in season 3. She was the one who I could have seen turning to it after everything she went through. She had been abandoned by her love, and sort of became an outcast within the group. What do you guys think? Review and let me know. Thank you again to everyone who has been reading and reviewing. There's more surprises on the way for you!_

.


	13. Feeling It

**Feeling it**

Brenda steadied herself, as her boot touched back down onto West Beverly. It was her first day back, since leaving rehab. She had missed a whole month and a half of school. Prom, and graduation were looming around the corner, and for everyone else it seemed to be a time of excitement, and anticipation, and an ending of sorts, but for her right now it was only the beginning. The beginning of a new life away from her pain meds. She was going to have to face it all now, and let herself feel it. No more drowning out the fears. No more numbing herself.

Rehab had been a long process. After her overdose she was checked into the drug psychiatric rehabilitation center, at Cedar Sinai in Los Angeles. It had been weeks of one on one therapy, group meetings, and kicking the itch. She'd also gotten pretty damn good on the pottery wheel. In rehab they like to keep you busy all day. It had seemed so strange to be there. How had things changed so much in her life in only a year? She never thought she'd be one of those people that could just lose themselves, but she had. She'd almost let the addiction take her life.

Through her treatment she and her counselors had talked about everything, and anything. It was hard to explain the reasons why she had chosen to do what she did. When she said them out loud they didn't sound like the worst things ever, but inside they had weighed on her so heavily, and had made life unbearable. She told her counselors about the events leading up to why she had begun to abuse pills. In rehab they stress personal accountability, and not putting blame on yourself or others. You have to learn to accept what you are, and what you did without blame. There was always another option than the path she had went down. There was always another choice. That's why the psych part of rehab was so important. The physical desires for the drugs would go away, but the mental part would always be there. All it could take is one bad moment to throw the whole train off course again. She had to become stronger than what the world could throw at her. That's why coming back to school today was a true test. Her parents, and doctors had asked her if it would be better to just go to summer school, to finish up the work she'd missed, and not give herself the chance to relapse by going back, but she would have to do summer school regardless anyway. She had been allowed to walk at graduation as long as she finished the remaining credits she needed this summer. Brenda didn't want to be locked away anymore. A month and a half of smelling the inside of a hospital, had been enough.

The sun sat in the sky like it had been waiting for her return as she blinked her eyes a bit.

"You ready for this Bren?" Brandon asked her as they parked his Mustang.

Brenda crossed her arms. "I guess as ready as I'm going to be."

She and Brandon had grown closer again. Family meetings were also part of the process. There were lots of sessions when she, her parents, and brother had discussed everything, like why they hadn't notice or wanted to believe what was happening right around them. It had been good for all of them.

Brenda needed her brother, and she didn't want to be mad at him for having been preoccupied through a lot of her crisis. She loved Brandon and the last few months, of not feeling as close to him had weighed on her heavily. This morning on the ride to school, they had felt like their old selves again laughing and cracking jokes about everything.

Today though would be a different test, and she needed to face it head on. There were no more veils to hide behind. This was life now, and she was going to deal with it.

"Come on little sister," Brandon said putting his arm around her shoulder leading her through the West Beverly doors.

Brenda smiled as she let Brandon walk her back into school. She wondered if there would be whisperings about her being back. Would she now be known as the girl who od'd at Kelly Taylor's birthday. That wasn't exactly the legacy she thought she'd be leaving behind at West Beverly.

One person she knew she wouldn't be bumping into was Jefferson Stanley. Brandon had been giving her the low down on all the West Bev drama, and she found our her folks had reported Jefferson to school officials, and he'd been expelled for distributing drugs. Even though she learned in counseling that he wasn't a real friend, she still felt bad for him. Jefferson was just lost and addicted like she had been, and she knew he didn't have the loving family she did to turn to for help. She hoped he was off getting the help he also needed.

Brandon had dropped another bombshell as well while she had been in detox. Dylan and Kelly had broken up. Brandon hadn't offered the information, she had asked about them, and reluctantly he told her, not wanting to set her off. While the news did ease her a bit, it still didn't fix anything. Dylan and Kelly had done what they did, and she couldn't just forget it had never happened. It had changed everything. After Brandon left that day, she realized that knowing Dylan wasn't with Kelly didn't fix anything. All it did was make everything that happened seem that much more pointless. It was a double edged sword that never seemed to work itself out of her. Things were different now, and they could never go back to the way they had been.

The day went on, and Brenda made it to lunch without any major issues. She had been asked some questions about where she had been, but people just seemed curious not judgmental. Her teachers had also seemed glad she was back. It was embarrassing to have most of the senior class know her business, but what difference did it make now. In one month, school would be over, and most of these people she would never see again.

She walked out into the sunny West Beverly quad, when she noticed a huddle up ahead. It was the gang and a few other classmates. Strung across some trees was a banner that read "Welcome Back Brenda."

There they all were. Brandon, Donna, David, Andrea, Steve, and even Nat! Kelly was there too although she was hanging back a bit. They had propped up a little table with snacks, and lunch on it, as well as a present wrapped in a box with a bow. Her eyes checked for him, but she didn't see Dylan among the group.

Brenda couldn't help but smile, putting her hands to her mouth in surprise. "You guys this is great!"

"Welcome back Bren," Donna walked up to her and gave her a big hug. Then they all followed suit, and kind of wrapped her in a big group hug.

"You look gorgeous darlin!" Nat told her happily.

She could see the food on the table was from the Peach Pit. Nat had brought Mega Burgers for everyone and Peach Pie. Fattening and thigh destroying, but just what the doctor ordered right now.

"Thanks guys you too. It's so nice to be out of there, and see smiling faces again, as well as amazing food. This looks great!"

"Well we couldn't let you stay in there with the crazies forever Brenda," Steve said charmingly.

"Ugh Steve!" Donna smacked him in the stomach.

"We all just missed you Brenda," Andrea said making a face at Steve.

Brandon had also told her the news in rehab that Steve and Andrea were now dating. It had happened out of the blue, but they were pretty happy. Steve was learning a lot from Andrea, and had even been attempting to do his own homework lately for a change. Andrea was pretty jazzed about it too. They were complete opposites in every way, but somehow just cliqued. Who knows what the future held for them.

It was great to see her friends again. She tried to push the hurt away that one certain person wasn't there though.

They all started to eat, and laugh together. Brenda told funny rehab stories. It was great to be back in the sunshine again, and feel the California sun kiss her cheeks.

After a little bit, Kelly approached her. "Hey Bren," she said kind of nervously.

"Hi Kelly." Brenda replied.

She had been mentally preparing herself for this. In rehab she had talked about Kelly a lot, and how losing Dylan to her best friend had made it that much harder than losing him to a stranger.

"It's great to see you."

"Yeah..." Brenda was quiet for a moment before she spoke again. "So I guess I ruined your party huh?"

"That's okay, I guess I deserved to have my party ruined." Kelly admitted.

Brenda wasn't going to argue with that. "Well I promise I won't pass out here," Brenda cracked to relieve some of the thick tension.

Kelly smiled a little, and then daringly she stepped forward and hugged her.

Brenda was caught off guard for a moment, but she found herself hugging her back awkwardly.

She had missed Kelly. The Kelly she was before the summer happened. She had been an amazing best friend for awhile, and Brenda would get so very sad when she thought of all the fun they used to have. Sometimes when she thought of it too much she would feel sick again. She realized deep down she didn't hate Kelly or want bad things to happen to her, she would just never be able to understand how she could do what she did. It still felt unfathomable. Things could never be the same between them. They wouldn't go off walking the halls together after this, or to make summer plans. They wouldn't be best friends again, but maybe they could be civil if the circumstances required it.

They broke their hug, as they shared another look, and then Kelly stepped away.

"Bren we got something for you." Donna approached her with the present on the table.

"What is it?" Brenda didn't expect any of this. It felt like her birthday.

"It's just our way of telling you sorry for not being there. We all feel really badly about it," Donna said sincerely. She handed Brenda the box.

"You guys, if I learned anything through all this it's that nobody can force us to do anything in life. We make our own choices. Please don't feel sorry for me, I hate that," Brenda told them all.

"We still needed to make it up to you," Brandon spoke.

"Yeah I mean senior year has been kicking all our asses," Steve said again. Brandon pretended to punch him now.

Brenda just smiled, and started to open up the gift. Inside it was her blue cap and gown, and a class of '93 tassel.

"You guys, I love it!" Brenda moved the tissue paper aside, as she placed the box on the table, and tried the cap on.

"Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the graduate," Donna clapped happily as the gang oohed and aahed.

Brenda never thought she would get to wear this stuff after everything. She remembered the days of her crazy outfits, and could feel herself blushing.

"What do you guys think?" she asked her friends, with the cap on, as she twirled the tassel around in her fingers sexily.

"I think it looks terrific," a soft voice spoke off to the side of them.

Brenda flipped around, and Dylan was leaned up against a pillar watching them.

"Dylan..." Brenda said his name.

Dylan approached now. The rest of the gang seemed to take this as their que to go back to eating, and they scattered a bit.

"Hey Bren," Dylan said quietly. His hands were in his pockets.

They gazed at eachother but didn't hug.

"You look great," Dylan told her.

"Yeah well it's easy to look great after a month and half of the rehab diet." Brenda crossed her arms shyly, almost like she was protecting herself from him.

Dylan gave a small smile. "I hear you did great in there."

"I suppose, if great means getting the hospital bracelet that reads _crazy_ taken off me finally."

Dylan laughed at her joke. Brenda felt herself watching as the corners of his mouth turned up widely. She loved Dylan's smiles. Her heart gave that familiar ache, and she mentally scolded herself for noticing all these little things about him still

"I guess we've all been there," Dylan reassured her.

"How 'bout you? Are you staying sober?" It was a personal question she knew, but she had to ask it. She didn't want him to still be drinking.

Dylan clasped his hands in front of him now, kind of rubbing them together. "I'm trying, but you know everyday's is still a struggle."

"Well I hope you keep trying," Brenda told him sincerely.

"You know I wanted to come see you in there, but Brandon said your folks thought you should only see family for awhile." Dylan swallowed hard.

"Yeah we just thought it would be best." Brenda looked down sadly.

"Bren, come over here and try these fries Nat brought," Brandon's voice called to her now.

"Better go," Brenda told him.

"Yeah yeah you should...I mean...welcome back Bren." Dylan stumbled over his words.

"Thanks." Brenda gave a small smile and stepped away.

They each wanted to say more, but what was left for them?

Dylan watched longingly as Brenda went back to her party. She was back, and nearby again, but they were still so far away.

 _So I know some of you guys don't want Brenda to forgive the gang, and while I do agree they turned her into an outcast, I still feel the gang's bond was strong enough that she would try hard to let everyone back into her heart eventually. She's not excusing what Dylan and Kelly did she's just not going to be a vindictive person. Yes what they did was totally wrong and cruel, but I feel Brenda would just want to move on with her life. She won't forget what they did, but she's not going to be destroyed by it anymore either. So I hope you liked this chapter. Still more to go...PROM is coming up! Keep reviewing and reading! You guys get these hands typing!_


	14. Senior Low

**Senior Low**

"And the award for most handsome goes to...Dylan Mckay!"

Brenda watched as David and Donna called out the names of the winners of The West Beverly class of '93 senior poll. It was the popularity contest to end all popularity contests. One in which Brenda knew she couldn't win, that is if she even really wanted to win anything. She sure as hell didn't want to win most likely to OD at Kelly Taylor's birthday party, but that was mostly her claim to fame lately.

The sound of Dylan's name ringing out in the quad caused her hands to tremble a bit but it wasn't surprising. Most of the girls in their class had secret crushes on him, and it was no surprise he would get all the votes to win "most handsome."

Brenda looked around for him, as she stood near Kelly. She and Kelly weren't really standing together, but they weren't shooting each other daggers either. They were both just there. Kelly was busy fluffing her hair up, and straightening her blouse out, obviously getting ready for the next category to be called.

Everybody from the gang had been called up to the stage so far like Oscar winners. It was almost embarrassing how "popular" the gang was. Brandon, and Andrea had won "most likely to succeed, Donna won "best dressed," David "best dancer," Steve "biggest flirt," and now Dylan "most handsome." Brenda knew Kelly would be next for "most beautiful."

It was as certain as the sky being blue, and the grass being green that Kelly would win "most beautiful" at West Beverly. It didn't matter how deceitful she had been this year, or how many guys she managed to seduce. Kelly was always the most popular girl in school and she won things. That was just how it went. First it was "spring queen," then it was Dylan, and now it would be "most beautiful." Brenda tried to stuff the jealousy down as it rose inside her, but it would always be there, even with Kelly and Dylan being broken up now. She really wasn't in the mood to watch Kelly win things, in fact going to pop a pill right now seemed like a better idea, but she wouldn't give into those urges anymore. She was dealing with it all now head on, Kelly and her urge to self medicate. Brenda was staying clean, but it didn't mean she didn't need _something_. Watching your friends win everything while you stand back in the grass wasn't exactly the stuff her golden memories would be made of, or the best way to take your mind off an addiction She had to be stronger than this. Stronger than West Beverly, and the heartache she had suffered, stronger than her pill urge.

Their classmates were looking around waiting for Dylan to walk to the stage. People were turning around and trying to spot him. Brenda knew in a second he wasn't and wouldn't be around to accept his "award." Brenda knew him well enough to know, there was no way in hell Dylan Mckay would even acknowledge this kind of thing.

Brenda crossed her arms, as Kelly turned around and eyed her giving her a sort of half-smile. Brenda turned away from her as something made her look up now, and high up on a ledge above she spotted Dylan looking down at the ceremony. He was sitting on a ledge leaned up against a pillar. Suddenly, he spotted her too, and their eyes connected like powerful currents. Dylan didn't smile, or nod, or wave, he just gazed at her. Brenda had to look away. She couldn't let herself get sucked into all this again. Missing Dylan, had almost killed her.

"Where _is_ Dylan?" Kelly actually turned around again and asked her.

"Beats me," Brenda answered her, sort of clapping now even though Dylan wasn't on stage.

Kelly tried to smile again, and turned around quickly.

"Alright Dylan wherever you are we'll hold onto this for you," David told the crowd jokingly pretending to put Dylan's prize under his vest. The crowd laughed and Brenda wondered if she should just beat it before the next category was called.

"David just call the next category," Donna told him pretending to smack him in the head. The crowd laughed like mindless drones soaking up all this frivolousness.

"Alright and finally the award for your most beautiful goes to the one the only..." David opened up the envelope, "thee Kelly Taylor..."

"Oh my lord," Kelly put her hands to her mouth gleefully as she walked up to the stage to take her prize.

Brenda clapped sheepishly as Kelly walked to the stage. She took the envelope from David and sort of gave a curtsy to the crowd or more like her loyal subjects really. The cat calls, and whistles rang out loudly for Kelly, as she soaked up the attention. It was all so disgusting. Senior Poll day sucked.

Brenda hated all of it. The celebrating of such superficiality, and favoritism. It all seemed so pointless after almost dying. She knew Dylan hated it all too.

After Kelly's big win the crowd sort of dispersed as all the categories had been called. Brenda looked up again at the ledge to see if Dylan was still there but she couldn't spot him now.

#

Dylan watched from above as the winners for the Senior Poll were called. It was your typical practice in absurdity. As if any of this had anything to do with anything real in the world. It was just more mindless distractions to entertain them all before they finally checked out of West Beverly for good. He felt embarrassed and super annoyed at whatever he had "won." He would have no part in it. If people only knew how empty and dark his soul felt they definitely wouldn't be nominating him for anything.

He knew though who was at the top of his senior poll in all categories. He watched her, as she watched the stage kind of clapping from time to time. She still looked so sad, and unsure. Brenda. Seeing her around school again was great, but they weren't a part of each other's lives anymore. It hurt to look down at the mostly strangers below, to see the one girl who he felt he knew better than anyone. She was the one girl though, he could never have again. How could they have been so close, to almost being like strangers now when they passed each other in the hall? He wanted to go down to her, and pull her out of here. Let everyone else celebrate themselves, he'd take her to the beach and celebrate the ocean, and the soft lines of her skin, and the way her eyes and lips could melt him away from the world. He'd celebrate her mind and body all day long if he could, but he couldn't. He couldn't take her anywhere now. She would never go with him, and he didn't blame her.

#

Brandon clapped for Kelly as she accepted her "most beautiful" win. He knew it was a shallow category but he couldn't not be happy for her. Seeing the girl you love smiling like a summer day did something to you.

The crowd had managed to disperse a little and he tried to catch up with her, as people wanted to stop and chat, to congratulate the girl who won "most beautiful."

"Hey Kel," Brandon approached her.

"Well if it isn't most likely to succeed..." Kelly eyed him up and down.

Brandon rubbed his nose kind of embarrassed. "Yeah most likely to to be _clueless_ should be the only thing I win this year."

"I think all of us, myself included deserve that award," Kelly agreed with him. "So how have you been since everything...how's Bren holding up?"

"She's good. Real good. Staying clean you know..."

"We see each other and say hi now once in awhile, but that's about it..." Kelly mentioned sadly.

"It's just going to take time Kel, for everyone..."

"I know, I mean I know I have no right to think I deserve to be in her life, but still, I just miss her..."

Brandon didn't know what to say. It sucked that Brenda and Kelly could never be the friends they had been again. It sucked knowing that Kelly deserved for Brenda to not be able to forgive her, but still he couldn't deny his personal feelings for Kelly. They were like two fireflies that had buzzed around each other for years before finally starting to create a _light._ The timing was unfortunate, but he couldn't tell his heart that. The heart had a mind of its own.

"I know my sister Kel, and I know she misses you too."

"How could she Brandon, I mean really after what I did. I caused your sister to start popping pills, I can't even believe you talk to me actually." Kelly folded her arms looking down. She didn't know where this was all coming from, but despite winning "most beautiful" she didn't feel that way inside. Sure it was flattering, and made her feel like all the effort she had put into her looks over the years had paid off, but she didn't feel worthy of where it really mattered. She didn't feel worthy of Brandon's love or attention.

"Kel.. you know you're not just "most beautiful" to me. You've never been just that, and I know that what happened this summer wasn't the real you. That's not the girl I know, or who I think I know. We all make mistakes," Brandon told her sincerely.

"Well I wish I could stop making them..." Kelly tucked her hair behind her ears.

"Me too, because I know what I'm about to do..." Brandon touched her face softly and couldn't resist pulling her lips to his. Her lips felt soft, and sweet like he imagined the petals of a rose to taste.

Their lips lingered together for a moment, and then their foreheads settled against each other, as Kelly held his hand that was against her cheek now.

"Brandon..." she couldn't stop the surprised smile and hot blush from spreading across her face.

Brandon grinned. "Would it be a total mistake if I asked you to go to prom with me?"

Kelly's heart thumped madly in her chest. She was crazy about Brandon Walsh. She always had been. She had taken some really ugly turns to get here, but here they were.

"Would it be a total mistake if I said yes?" Kelly bit her lip.

Brandon shrugged playfully. "You know we've all made a lot of mistakes lately, maybe it's time we did something right..." With that he started to kiss her again. It didn't matter if he didn't end up most likely to succeed, or if Kelly wouldn't always be most beautiful, together they could form a whole new category entirely.

They continued to kiss as their arms wrapped around each other tightly, letting their award envelopes fall to the ground and blow away for good.

 _Author's note: So that was my version of the senior poll. It still sucks Brenda didn't win anything but with the way she got kind of displaced from the group towards the end of season 3 I felt it still had to happen. I know it's hard to root for Kelly but I do think Brandon managed to bring out a better side to her that we hadn't gotten to see. In this story I wanted Kelly to feel regret for her actions but I also wanted her to make a sort of breakthrough. I feel like Brandon was her breakthrough. She doesn't have to be thee Kelly Taylor with Brandon. She gets to be a different version of herself. Let me know what you think? More to come as prom is still coming up! I'm trying to update as much as I can. Life gets in the way sometimes, but stay posted! _


	15. The Corsage

**The Corsage**

 **"** Bren prom's not going to be the same without you," Donna pleaded as she and Brenda hung up a banner ironically advertising the prom.

"Just do me a favor Don, wake me up when this week is over." Brenda climbed down from the ladder she was on and looked up at her work. Never in a million years did she ever think she wouldn't be going to her own senior prom, but here she was. Prom was this weekend, and she didn't have a dress, or a date, or anything really. All she had was a senior year that she would remember as the darkest time in her life. It wasn't exactly something she felt like celebrating.

"I don't get it, Brenda there must be like fifty guys who would die to take Brenda Walsh to prom," David piped in.

"Well, you can send them a postcard for me Dave." Brenda smirked glad she still had some smart ass left in her. Seriously fifty guys? What was David smoking? It felt like guys were avoiding her like the plague lately. Maybe it had something to do with her new reputation as an emotional pill popper. She hated that this was her new image. I guess there wasn't much time left to start a new one with school ending in less than a month. What did it really matter anymore in the end? "Look you guys have a great time at prom, I'll be fine I promise..."

"Bren..." Donna came down from the latter now and eyed her friend helplessly. All they used to talk about when senior year started was what they would wear to prom, and how they'd make it the epic final party of high school. A night they would remember for the rest of their lives.

"Don, I got to run, let me know how it all goes alright..." She gave her a hug and hurried out of there. She still couldn't take all the pity people were offering her. Brenda just wanted to get through these final weeks of high school and figure out what the hell would be next in her life. She hadn't even applied to any colleges yet. There hadn't been much time to think about college, after battling addiction. She also had to attend her regular therapy sessions now so she wasn't tempted to relapse. Life now felt worlds away from thinking about corsages, and dress shopping.

She walked outside, and slowly paced her way through the outside halls. There was a heaviness in her heart, that no matter how many pills she had taken, or how long she stayed off them it wouldn't go away. It was like this heavy burden inside her. It had been there since she lost Dylan. Every now and then she could feel herself starting to get better, starting to look forward to the next day, but when she remembered again that he wasn't, and wouldn't be with her it took a toll. She could see his face in everything, and she constantly wondered what he was doing, or where he was. She craved bumping into him around school. They would say "hi" but they each seemed to keep it moving. Every time he walked away, the heaviness would return, and it was pretty much unbearable.

"Hey, Brenda."

Brenda looked up from her thoughts to find Tony Miller standing in front of her. Tony was this lunkhead of a jock from the football team she didn't know too well. She would see him walking around with Steve from time to time or with this guy Kyle Konners who Kelly was once into, but then again who hadn't Kelly been into.

"Hi Tony," Brenda kept walking, but now Tony was walking with her too. He kind of had to keep pace with her.

"So I've heard through the grapevine, that the most gorgeous girl in school doesn't have a date to prom."

Brenda walked along. "Really, and who would that be?"

"You," Tony said abruptly.

Brenda stopped in her tracks. "You heard that?"

"Sure did, so I was hoping maybe I could be of service to you."

Brenda had to smile a bit. She couldn't remember the last time she had been asked out. Jefferson sure didn't count. "I'm not going to prom Tony," she had to tell him bluntly.

"Well, why the hell not? I mean have you seen _you_?" Tony eyed her up and down admiringly. "I promise I won't bite. I'll go all out corsage, limo, the whole shebang." His eyes lit up.

Brenda thought about it for a moment. Kelly had once told her that Tony had a thing for her, which she had heard from Kyle Konners, but it had gone in one ear and out the other. Dylan had been her whole world, and when you're dating Dylan McKay you're not exactly thinking about other guys.

"I don't know..." Brenda hesitated.

"Come on, I promise I'm a good guy." Tony held up his hands innocently.

Brenda tried to see it, she and Tony at prom together, but she just couldn't. How could it ever be anything like the Spring Dance with Dylan? That had honestly been the greatest night of her life, and not just because she'd had sex with Dylan for the first time. It was the night she knew without a doubt that they were madly in love. The world had tilted on its axis that night, and it had been like walking through a cloud of stars. Some spent their whole lives trying to have a night like that, and they had lived it. The memory made the heaviness even more trapped inside her.

"Tony, I just can't right now...I'm really sorry." All she could see in a night with Tony was dust, and awkward conversations, unfortunately.

"Come on, you know you don't want to miss it," he encouraged her.

She _didn't_ want to miss it, but she just couldn't. It just was the wrong time. The thought that scared her the most, was would it ever be the right time again? Would she ever feel for someone again what she felt for Dylan? Was it even possible? Could she even go out and just casually enjoy herself? It just felt impossible.

"I'm really sorry Tony, I am flattered though..."

"Are you sure?"

Brenda swallowed hard, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, I am."

Tony gave her a sad look, and then just kind of nodded and walked away. It didn't feel good to turn him down, but it had to be done. Brenda watched him go, wondering why it all had to be like this?

#

Days later she sat at her window seat pouring over the latest copy of _The Blaze_ that featured pics of all the senior poll winners. The gang was all there posing their hearts out. Everyone had a pic except for Dylan, and herself obviously since she didn't win anything. His category was listed but the picture part was empty. It almost made her smile a little bit. It felt like she and Dylan shared a sort of unspoken solidarity that the senior poll was pure shit. Still, it didn't help that he won in the same category as Kelly.

She sighed as she watched a rare spring rain stream down her windows. The water seemed to drip off her window pane like memories of days gone by. Despite being clean now, life didn't feel that much better. It was actually harder to have to feel things sober than numbing the pain away with medication like she'd been doing. The reality that she wasn't going to prom was really sinking in. Maybe she had been a fool to turn Tony down, but somehow staying home just felt safer.

She traced over Dylan's name in the paper and touched the empty spot where his picture should have been. His name written in ink, with the rain coming down, seemed to blend into each other. God, she didn't want to feel like this anymore. She wished she could turn it off, and not care. Maybe it would have been better if she'd never fallen in love with him. Maybe it would have been better if they never locked eyes that day at his locker. She might be getting ready for prom instead of feeling like her insides had been burned out. It was a burden to carry this need for him around. Why couldn't she be like everyone else and just be normal again? Maybe when Dylan McKay worked himself inside you, he never really got out.

She heard the bathroom door opening, and she was grateful for an excuse to put _The Blaze_ down, instead of staring at it like she'd been hypnotized.

"Hey, little sis." Brandon walked into her room and sat down next to her on the window seat. "So you enjoying the rain? Who says it never rains in Southern California am I right?"

"Yeah, it feels pretty appropriate right now." Brenda hugged her legs against her, as she watched her street turn into a blurry lake.

"So you're really not going to prom?"

"Brandon let's not talk about it. I've made my peace with it, so maybe everyone else could too."

"Okay, but it is our one and only senior prom." Brandon clasped his hands together and looked at her expectantly.

"Yeah well, senior year hasn't exactly been smooth sailing in case you didn't notice."

Brandon scratched his face and nodded. "Ouch. I guess I deserve that huh?"

"No, but you do deserve this." Brenda proceeded to smack him in the head with one of her window seat pillows unexpectedly.

"Ahhh," Brandon grunted picking up his own pillow to get her back with, but Brenda ducked out of his way faster.

"Careful now, I wouldn't want you to become _least_ likely to succeed." Brenda teased him.

Brandon got the pillow out of her hand. "So, is that what this is about, you sulking in front of the window, and not going to prom because of some stupid poll?"

"Some stupid poll, you sure seemed to dress up in a business suit for." Brenda opened the paper again and showed him himself in a suit standing next to Kelly in a black strapless mermaid gown. Their backs were facing each other and their hands were touching. It was about as posed and proud as you could get.

Brandon scratched his nose looking at the pic, and kind of clucked his tongue. "You know Bren, that's actually what I need to talk to you about?"

Brenda put the paper down again, she knew this was coming.

"I wanted to know how you'd feel about me taking Kelly to prom?"

Brenda took a deep breath. The rain was causing the window to condense, and she couldn't really see the street anymore. "Now Brandon, why would I have a problem with you going to prom with that lying conniving you know what..." She stood up from the window seat and walked over to her bed now, and sat on it, grabbing one of her pillows.

"You know Bren, I'm not trying to hurt you here. I'm really not. I just...I can't help it you know. I like Kelly."

Brenda really wasn't that surprised Brandon wanted Kelly. He'd always had a thing for bad girls. First, there had been Cheryl his runaway girlfriend from Minnesota, then there had been Emily Valentine, the pill-popping, pyromaniac, psycho stalker. Most recently there had been Nicki Witt this total groupie girl, with an abusive rocker ex, who hightailed it back to San Francisco. Kelly Taylor, definitely fit in the mix there somewhere. Still, it did hurt, and it didn't look like she'd be getting Kelly out of her life anytime soon.

"Brandon I know you do, and I want my brother to be happy..."

"So you don't mind if I take her, because if you do if you really do Bren, I'll call the whole thing off."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Of course I would. Minnesota Twins first." Brandon eyed her sincerely.

Brenda thought about it for a moment. As much as it stung she realized she could deal with it. "No Bran, I don't want you to do that? I mean I think at least one of us should enjoy prom."

Brandon walked over to her and grabbed her hand. "I love you Bren."

"I love you too, now please get out of my room before I change my mind."

"Well now, wouldn't want you to do anything hasty," he backed away from her.

Brenda watched him, then he turned around at their connecting door. "You sure you won't come to prom?"

"Out!" Brenda threw her favorite stuffed frog at him and he closed the door finally.

She knew it was all in good fun. Prom fever had set in, for everyone but her.

#

When the big night finally rolled around, Brenda watched as Brandon got ready in his tux. The whole time he still kept trying to convince her to come along, but what was she supposed to wear at this point a garbage sack? Her parents also tried to coax her out, but she was set in her decision. Jim and Cindy managed to restrain themselves from breaking out the camera for Brandon without her. Brandon assured them, he'd get lots of pics at the pre-prom party he'd be attending at David Silver's father's condo. The whole gang would be there it looked like. Brenda couldn't help feeling down, as she waved to Brandon on his way out the door from the stairs. When the door shut behind him, she felt like Cinderella trapped in a tower even though she made this choice.

She debated going to the Peach Pit tonight, but she knew the place would be dead empty on prom night and would depress her further. Her parents were downstairs watching a movie, so she just went back to her room. The house felt eerily quiet with Brandon finally off to the ball. Brenda was already in her pajamas for the night and wondered if she should just go to sleep, but she knew she wouldn't be able to turn off her mind, to all the fun happening without her. Reading seemed like the best option, it would give her something else to focus her mind on if that was possible.

She walked over to her bookshelf next to the bed and started fingering all the book spines, looking for something, anything to tune prom night out. Her eyes did a double take when her hand ran over one beat up spine in particular. It was _Byron the Collective Works_. It was a poetry book Dylan had given her years ago. His favorite book, by his favorite poet. He used to carry it around in his car all the time, and one night when they were out, he told her he wanted her to have it. She must have forgotten to take it out of her room when she cleared his stuff out. Not able to resist, she pulled it off the shelf and stared at the cover in her now shaking hand. It was super dusty, so she blew it off, and wiped some off with her hand. She flipped to the first page, and Dylan had written _To Brenda, Love Dylan._ She almost couldn't believe the words on the page were real, it felt like so long ago. She flipped through some pages and that's when she saw it. It was the dried corsage Dylan had given her to wear at the Spring Dance. She had placed it in the book, to keep, so that it wouldn't fall apart. Holding it up in the light, it felt like an artifact, from another era. The flower was long dead in her hands, but she closed her eyes anyway, and could still smell the fresh scent of rose, as she walked through the stars.

 _Author's note:_ _I really wanted to express in this chapter the excitement Brenda felt for the Spring Dance versus the sad feelings she had about the prom. It was really apparent how much her life had changed, and I honestly didn't care for how the prom episode on the show was handled. Stay with me people, more to come, prom night's not over yet... Thank you to everyone reading. It means so much to me!_


	16. A Night to Forget

**A Night to Forget**

"Brenda, what you got there?"

Brenda whipped around to find her mother standing in her room, looking over her shoulder now. "Oh, hey mom. Oh it's nothing- just..." In her surprise, she had crushed some of the dried flower in her hands. The dried baby's breath from the rose was now crunched up in her hand sadly. Hurriedly, she took what was left of the flower, and placed it back inside _Byron the Collective Work,_ shutting the book, and placing it back on the shelf. She emptied her palm out in her room trash. "I guess sitting home on prom night just feels worse than I thought it would," she admitted to her mom, not really explaining about the dried flower.

Cindy Walsh sat down on the side of Brenda's bed then patted the spot next to her, motioning for Brenda to come sit too. Brenda did, and Mrs. Walsh wrapped an arm around her shoulder. " _Honey_ what are you doing here?" she asked her daughter.

Brenda looked up at the ceiling for answers but didn't find any. " I don't mom. I just thought after everything I shouldn't go."

"But why, you're doing so much better now. I don't think you should be worried at all."

Brenda knew her mom was referring to her pill problem, but that wasn't why she wasn't at prom now.

"Mom, it's not that. I don't know, I guess I just didn't think it could ever be like that night at the Spring Dance with Dylan. I just don't want to make it worse."

"Honey, you'll have other nights like that. Let yourself enjoy _this_ night. I mean it's your one and only senior prom."

"Now you sound like Brandon."

"Well he just wants you to be happy sweetie, we all do."

Brenda slapped her knees in frustration. "It's too late mom."  
"Of course it isn't. I think after all your years of shopping you've got to have something in that closet you could throw on."

"I don't know..." Brenda sighed.

"Brenda the things that happen in our lives just happen. Sometimes without any reason or explanation. It's not what happens to us, it's how we bounce back from it. You'll always have those old memories, but you have to let yourself live again to make new ones. Let yourself go out and be young and free. Stop punishing yourself."

"Is that what I'm doing?" Brenda asked her mom. She didn't know her mom would be giving her a prom pep talk tonight but here it was.

"Honey... you can still make it..." Cindy squeezed her shoulder.

Brenda bit her lip. "Well...do you know where the curling iron is?" she asked faintly.

#

About an hour and a half later Brenda was standing outside the steps facing the Bel-Age hotel's hall where the prom was being held. She could hear Cathy Dennis's voice booming from inside. She sounded amazing, and the energy around her caused her heart to pound, and her palms to sweat. It was still fairly early in the evening, and a few limousines were still pulling up.

She had taken a cab and was actually here, but she was going to have to walk in alone. She must have set a world record for the fastest time any human girl has ever gotten ready for prom. After her talk with Cindy, she'd torn through her closet looking for something, anything that might be able to function as a prom dress. In the very back, she found a short, slinky, gold sparkle mini dress with spaghetti straps and these kinds of bustier cups for her breasts. It was a hot little number she had picked up at a designer outlet with Kelly and Donna. She'd never ended up wearing it though and had just forgotten it in the back of her closet. On her feet were some gold shimmer heels, she already owned, and then for her hair, she managed to quickly plump it up with the curling iron, giving it this big bodied look. After painting on some red lips, and using lots of eyeliner and mascara she decided to make a go for it. So here she was. It was now or never.

Taking a deep breath, she walked up the steps, and pushed open some glass doors as Cathy Dennis started singing a song called W _hy?_ inside.

#

Dylan sat stirring his coke, with a straw. He didn't know what the hell he was doing here at the West Beverly prom. If he left now, he could be in Mexico before morning. He looked around, inside the big room. It was actually a drag that West Beverly had decided to have the prom at the Bel Age. Being that he used to live here with his dad before he was thrown in jail, and his parents used to disappear and dump him here, it didn't exactly have the happiest memories for him. His dad and him spent more time fighting in this place than anything else, but still, something had pushed him out tonight. He'd skipped the pre-prom party at David Silver's dad's house. He didn't think he was going to go at all, but instead, he hopped in his Porsche and decided to stop by for the hell of it. He knew a quick tux rental place, and it wasn't that hard to get it together. Maybe deep down he was trying to see if he could catch a glimpse of her. Of Brenda. How could he have not tried to see if she had a date? Maybe because he didn't deserve to even breathe the same air as her, after what he'd done. He knew he was risking the chance of seeing her with someone else, but then he and Brandon had bumped into each other and he'd mentioned that Bren had decided not to go. It was like a punch to the gut when he heard she wouldn't be attending. Part of him wanted to go to her. He could go to her house and find a way to get her to talk to him. Find a way, some way to fix this, but in the end, he just took a seat and was sitting here like a coward afraid to face the music.

His eyes gazed around the room. The music was pretty knocking, and he watched as this foxy little red-headed singer named Cathy Dennis sang her heart out. He could also see Brandon and Kelly out on the dance floor laughing, and swinging each other around. Kelly sure knew how to get Brandon to move around for a change. He was happy for them, for Kelly and Brandon. Brandon would always be his best friend, and Kelly deserved someone who was really all the way committed to her and wanted to be there. He was glad they had finally found each other.

"Here man, I don't think I'm going to be needing this tonight, maybe you'll have better luck." A key was being tossed in front of him now, and he looked up to see David Silver being dragged out onto the dance floor by an obviously very drunk- clumsy Donna.

"Whoa hi ho Silver," Dylan smirked grabbing the key. Obviously David had, had some big plans for the night, but was going to be a decent guy and not try to sleep with Donna when she was drunk.

"I'm never gonna get any," David complained as drunk Donna started licking his face.

Dylan just gave him a look, as he fingered the key in his hand, as Cathy Dennis started singing a new song, it was a sexy song about touching someone all night long, and then just like that, a cloud of gold stardust appeared across the room. Dylan had to adjust his eyes. It was Brenda. She was here, and she looked like a golden goddess in the sexiest dress he'd ever seen. He could feel his mouth hanging open, and he wanted to get up out of his seat and go to her, but he couldn't do anything but stay frozen where he was.

Brenda stood across the room. She folded her arms, and it seemed like she'd just arrived. She was standing near the dance floor looking out at the sea of bodies moving. She didn't see him at the tables burning a hole through the distance between them. Before he could try to make himself stand again, he watched as this goofball named Tony Miller approached her. They said a couple things to each other, and then Brenda followed him out to the dance floor. They started to move to the music, well Brenda started to move, Tony did a couple nervous ticks that were supposed to resemble dancing. Brenda had to stop him a moment, and show him how it's done, as she dropped her body down his, shimmying near the floor. Brenda moved like a machine. The way her body pounded back and forth effortlessly to the beat of the song was like watching silk sway in the wind. Dylan could feel a heat rising over him, as he watched her golden form drive him mad. He could practically taste her from across the room, as her dark hair made the golden sparkle of her dress radiate like an inferno.

#

Brenda laughed happy and sweaty as she and Tony finished another dance. She was having an amazing time, and couldn't believe she had almost missed all this at home. The Bel Age beamed with a magic she hadn't felt in a long time, and it was great to be out feeling her body move and hearing the sounds of music vibrating through every inch of her. A slow song came on now, and she and Tony and started to ease their pace. They were just having fun, and it felt good to be out here with someone.

Brenda was listening to the song lyrics as Cathy belted them out:

 _Fate was once the friend, that brought you to my life  
So long ago, now he comes again  
With arms to take you back  
But I can't let go..._

"Mind if I cut in." Brenda woke herself from the words to see Dylan standing beside her. He was eyeing her with the weight of a thousand planets.

Tony pulled back a little. "Umm sure...alright with you? I'll go buy a cigar," he told Brenda kind of flustered.

Brenda hesitated a moment, folding her arms now. "Umm yeah sure I don't mind..." she gave Tony a nervous smile, as he walked away and Dylan stood before her now.

"Hi," he said.

"Hey," Brenda greeted him back nervously.

Carefully Dylan slipped his hand on her waist, and their hands joined together. It felt familiar, but new at the same time.

They started to move to the music, as Dylan's eyes penetrated to her core.

"So this hasn't been the easiest year, has it? Brenda managed to get out.

"Yeah it's been the toughest," Dylan answered her.

" I hope it's the worst you ever know..." Brenda shot back.

Dylan sort of smiled. "Thank you Bren." He could feel the fire in her voice.

Brenda relaxed a bit more now into his touch. "I guess we're all really going our separate ways now huh?"

Dylan looked up. " I think that's what's supposed to happen..."

Brenda listened to the music, as it seemed to be playing for them.

 _When, I look back, over time  
All the million days in my life  
I'll remember the moments of love  
Here with you  
By my side  
There's no other love to compare  
I'll remember the moments of love_

Brenda eyed him, and it seemed like everything else melted into the background, and it was just them swaying to a song. It felt like the whole world was in front of her, but it wasn't close enough.

"You know I'm almost over you..." she said to him.

Dylan looked down at her. The feel of her so close again was like a gift from the heavens above. One he knew he didn't deserve, but he couldn't help himself.

"Bren...you never have to be over it..." he whispered.

"I don't...?" Brenda asked him choking on her words a bit.

Dylan just shook his head, and before he could stop it, his lips were on hers, raw and untamed.

#

In what felt like moments Brenda could feel the elevator against her back, as they went up it with Dylan kissing her with a fever. She ran her hands through his hair, and then he pulled them away, as he placed them over her head and she gave into him as he began to suck on her bare skin. His hands started to pull down her spaghetti straps, as they made their way to her still covered breasts. He rubbed them over her dress, and she had to bite her lip, it felt so good. She could feel his heat rise as he grinded into her. Her leg lifted off the ground, as his hands moved quickly over her body, and it was all she could do to keep from screaming out his name right there.

The elevator stopped and she could see some couple standing in front of them now, eyeing them shocked. They pulled away and stepped off laughing together.

"Sorry don't mind us," Dylan actually said.

The couple stared at them with their mouths wide open. Dylan's bow tie and hair were messed up, and Brenda's hair was a total wreck, and her straps were falling down her arms.

They both burst out laughing and then they were kissing madly again down the hall until Dylan found the room. He put the key in the door kind of fumbling, as they couldn't pull their lips away, but it managed to click open.

"So looks like we're going to be luckier than Donna, and David huh?" Brenda breathed, laughed, into his ear, as he pushed her against the wall. He pulled off his jacket, as he lifted her up, wrapping her legs around his waist. Being this close to him again was like being drunk like it almost wasn't real. His body so close to hers was something she never thought she'd feel again.

"Mmm," Dylan moaned back, as he ran his hands up her thighs. He pulled her weight away from the wall, and carried her over to the bed, with her legs still wrapped around him. They collapsed onto the sheets together laughing, as his mouth found hers again quickly. His lips kind of sucked on her bottom one for a moment, and then he trailed kisses from her neck down to her chest.

Brenda started ripping at his bow tie and unbuttoning his shirt. She pushed him onto his back now, as she got on top of him on the soft fluffy bed, straddling him with her thighs.

Dylan looked up at her breathless, with her wild hair, and sexy eyes. He was going to fuck her wild tonight. Fuck her hard, and make love to her until they passed out.

Brenda could feel the fast pulsing between her legs where she needed him bad.

"Mmm Dylan," she started moving back and forth as she grabbed at his pants now. Dylan lifted himself up onto his forearms, grabbing her breasts and kissing every bare inch of skin he could.

Brenda wrapped her hands around his neck, breathing in his familiar smell that was already making her legs weak.

It was ecstasy, pure unadulterated ecstasy. Her eyes closed as he tugged her straps all the way down, leaving only her exposed strapless bra. He was starting to snap it off when her eyes opened, and in the dim light of the room, she spotted a Bel Age Hotel Brochure on a nightstand table by the bed. It wasn't the brochure that was catching her eye, it was the word written on the cover. " _Tailor made suites for you at the Bel Age Hotel"_ Her eyes narrowed in on the word _Tailor_ as it might as well have been spelled _Taylor,_ and suddenly it was like someone let the air out of the room, and she couldn't breathe.

"Dylan, Dylan stop." Dylan was sucking on her neck hard, and grabbing at her boobs as she started to pull away from him.

"What's wrong?" he asked her breathlessly. His eyes were glassy, and his hair was standing up crazy.

Brenda moved her body away from his, un-straddling him. She moved to the side of the bed and started pulling her dress straps up.

"Bren, what's wrong, what I do?" he asked her again. He was breathing hard, as her back was to him now on the bed.

"I can't do this." Brenda managed to get out. She could already feel the tears streaming down her face.

"Why not?" he asked her quietly.

Brenda looked up at the ceiling not able to face him. She put her hand to her eye, and when she pulled it back it was covered with black mascara. "Because I can't stop picturing you with her..." she choked on the words.

"With _who_?" Dylan asked dumbly.

"You know _who_?" Brenda shot back angrily.

Dylan let out an exasperated sound. "Bren..."

Brenda started to cry now. It was embarrassing, but she couldn't help it. It was like someone had thrown a knife between them.

"Bren am I here with her right now? I'm _here_ with you."

"But you were with her!" she yelled back. "How do you think it feels Dylan? How do you think it feels to not be able to get the image of you and Kelly like this, out of my mind?"

"Bren it was never just like this?" Dylan hissed back.

"I can't stop seeing you with her. You kissing her..." her words trailed off, and a sob shook her body.

"Bren..." Dylan moved closer to her now, trying to put his hands on her shoulders, but Brenda flinched at his touch jumping off the bed.

She faced him now. His shirt was loose, and half of the buttons were undone. He looked like a beautiful mess. The helpless look in his eye all but killed her.

"I have to go," she told him.

"Don't leave..." Dylan grabbed her hand desperately.

She looked into his eye, and it was all she could do to not push him back down onto the bed, but she just couldn't. Knowing that he had been with Kelly sliced into her soul, and she would give anything to make that image go away.

Brenda dropped his hand. "I have to." She stepped away from him and gathered up her shoes. She grabbed the door handle, and before she walked out she took one last look at him sitting alone on the bed. His back was to her now, and the sheets were all rumpled. She walked out of the room as the cool hallway air chilled her skin.

"Brenda..." Dylan called as he heard the door click behind him.

He was sitting now where Brenda had been. He ran his hands down his face rubbing them over his eyes, and then through his hair. He couldn't believe what the hell had just happened. His eyes fell now to that brochure on the table. His eyes zooming in on the words _Tailor made._ Angrily he threw the brochure across the room, and then knocked a vase of flowers off the nightstand with his fist. He watched as the ceramic vase and flower stems fell around his feet like broken dreams.

 _So that was prom night. It was so hard to write Brenda leaving the room like that, but what Dylan did with Kelly was too messed up. You don't just forget something like that. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you're thinking? I know I changed Brenda's prom dress around a little, but I still left it gold and sparkly. I watched a few clips from the Spring Dance and saw that Brenda's corsage actually looked like some kind of orchid maybe, so it being a rose in this story is also different haha. I really hated how Brenda got treated on the prom episode. It sucked having to watch Dylan and Kelly._ _There is more to come, so curl up, get comfortable, and stay with me!_


	17. Scattered Caps

**Scattered Caps**

Brenda watched as the caps, and tassels rained down from the sky above like blue diamonds, before falling to her feet like scattered puzzle pieces. Against all odds, she had survived high school and West Beverly. It had almost killed her, but she was a graduate now. The day was filled with sunshine and promise, and it almost seemed like the storm clouds had finally shifted far away.

She'd watched from the stage, as her friends' names had been called out one by one. She watched as each of them earned their diploma. Each time another name was called she said a silent goodbye in her head. Things weren't going to be the same anymore. Their days together at West Beverly were memories now. When Dylan's name was called out, she watched him walk across the stage almost as if he were in slow motion. Dylan definitely wasn't just another name in the endless list. He had been her friend, her love, and lover. Dylan had also been her sorrow, heartbreak, and addiction, but still watching him take his diploma filled her with a sense of ease. He had made it too, they all had. Where would they all go from here? She had no idea. Brenda had no plans yet except for summer school to make up the credits she'd lost during her pill problem. She had been clean for a few months now, but it would always be a struggle.

It was a relief that high school was finally over, but it was also scary. This place was what had held them together, but these walls and roofs were gone now, and there was nothing out there but the big bad world, and more temptations.

Brenda closed her eyes for a moment, just trying to focus on today before she panicked about tomorrow. She let the glorious sun touch her face, and she opened her eyes, to see the sky endless and blue overhead.

"Congrats little sis," Brandon was beside her now and scooped her up into a big bear hug.

It was total chaos now in front of the mostly empty chairs, and benches. Everyone was up, finding their families, and taking pictures with friends.

"Hey big bro," Brenda wrapped her arms around Brandon tightly. It seemed just like yesterday, they were pulling up into the West Beverly parking lot in his old piece of shit car called Mondale. They had just been two kids from Minnesota who seemed to have been dropped from the sky, into a world of decadence, and debauchery in Beverly Hills. The time that had passed from that day to this one, seemed like a few seconds, and a million years all at the same time.

"Ahhhh!" Steve jumped onto Brandon now excitedly, and they started happy wrestling each other around as Brenda watched them laughing, then David jumped in too.

Donna hugged Brenda, then Andrea, and hovering behind them was Kelly. Brenda and Kelly acknowledged each other by nodding and sort of smiling then Kelly approached Brandon who spun her around wrapping her in a big epic kiss.

Brenda looked away. Brandon and Kelly had been dating pretty steady now, since the prom. They were out almost every few nights together. Kelly had even shown up at the house a few times to pick up Brandon for different things. Even her parents had to get used to the idea, of Kelly and Brandon together. Seeing Kelly back on her front doorstep wasn't easy, but she managed to not let it show too much, for her brother's sake. She really did want Brandon to be happy, and if that meant with Kelly Taylor than she would deal with it. Maybe one day it wouldn't hurt so much when she looked at Kelly, and she could remember the good times, instead of all the bad ones that had piled up. Maybe one day the triangle and aftermath would be something that had no effect on her at all. She couldn't wait for that day to hurry up and get here, but it was a process.

Dylan joined their group now and started high-fiving Brandon and Steve. He had a rare big gorgeous smile on his face, and Brenda could feel her own cheeks turning up at the sight of his. They hadn't really talked since that night at the prom. After running out on him, Brenda had spent the rest of the night downstairs in the bathroom helping drunk Donna puke and trying not to puke herself.

In the next couple weeks that had followed she and Dylan had avoided each other, and if they did bump into each other, it was a quick "hi," and "see ya."

She knew she had hurt him by running off, but she just couldn't go through with it. How could she kiss him, and make love to him again knowing he had shared intimate moments with Kelly behind her back, and while she was going through the darkest chapter in her life. It killed her though. If she didn't have to have those images playing in an endless loop in her head, she wouldn't, but they were there and impossible to forget.

"Let me get a picture all of you." Mrs. Walsh was in front of the gang now, trying to get everyone organized into a picture.

Everyone took their places and said "cheese" together, they also shouted out "class of '93!" Brenda stood on the end next to Donna. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Dylan on the other end standing next to Steve. She eyed him, wishing she could be in his arms now, the way the other couples of the gang were posed. Her teeth smiled widely instead, hoping it would reach her eyes when she saw how the pictures turned out eventually.

Cindy took a bunch more snaps of them all in different poses, then the gang started to scatter a bit.

"Oh my gosh, Brandon my father is here," Kelly whispered suddenly through tears. She turned to Brandon and led him with her. Brenda watched as they approached an older man in the crowd. Brenda had never seen him before.

She turned away, to find Donna and David making out. Steve and Andrea were also sharing a kiss now. Brenda had no idea where they were headed as a couple but they seemed happy. Andrea had given the big valedictorian speech. Through a lot of it, she found her eyes wandering to Dylan's in the stands below her since the W's were more to the back. She wondered what was going through his mind. In her mind, she had always pictured them reaching graduation day together as a couple, but here they were, far apart, and getting even further.

She looked at Dylan now, he was kind of standing off on his own. Brenda scanned the crowd, and couldn't find any sign of his mother Iris there, and obviously, his father was still in jail. Dylan was kind of just looking out at the crowds of families hugging and sharing photos. Her heart hurt for him.

Against her better judgment, she approached him. "Hey..."

Dylan turned to her now and smiled. "Well if it isn't the graduate," he beamed eyeing her in her graduation gown.

"Yeah, you too congratulations. So where's your mom, she didn't show up?" Brenda hated to ask him, but she felt so angry at his parents. Of all the days to try to get their heads out of their asses they couldn't show up for their own son's graduation? She knew his father was in jail, but what was wrong with Iris? I guess she wasn't done "finding herself" yet.

Dylan shook his head and looked down. He was still holding onto his graduation cap and hadn't thrown it up in the air.

They were too far apart to reach out, and hug, but close enough that they could still feel the need radiating from each other. Brenda wanted to step closer to him, and wrap her arms around him tight, and kiss him until the world ended, but what good would that do? They weren't together and hadn't been for a long time now.

The breeze in the air blew their gowns around a bit, as they faced each other in the grass. There was an invisible wall between them, that didn't feel like it should be crossed.

"You know I think if it wasn't for you and your brother, I wouldn't be standing here right now." Dylan fingered his cap, swallowing hard.

"Same goes for you...you know I never really got to thank you for saving my life that night at the party... and for you know, everything else you tried to do for me." The words poured out of her. They were words she had been wanting to tell him for a long time.

"Don't mention it..." Dylan said softly.

They were quiet now. All they could hear was the breeze blowing through the air flapping their gowns, and the happier voices of their classmates carrying on around them. They stood in front of some empty chairs.

Brenda searched her mind for anything else to say, to stop the very near tears that were behind her eyes. "So are we going to see you tonight up in the hills? We're going to be unveiling the sign."

In the last few weeks, the gang had joined together to plan an epic graduation stunt. They were going to cover up the famous Hollywood sign, with a Class of '93 banner. It had been Steve's idea. The gang had actually been at the Walsh house quite a bit in the last few weeks painting it out and getting it ready. Even Kelly had come over. Everyone but Dylan had helped with it, but still, he was a part of the gang, and they all wanted him up there with them when they did the big unveiling tonight. _She_ wanted him up there with them.

Dylan shook his head unexpectedly. "I can't. I'm leaving tonight," he told her, his voice catching.

The air went out of her body for a moment, as she tried to steady herself. "Leaving? What do you mean? Where are you going?"

Dylan eyed her sadly. "I'm going to bum around Europe this summer, and then after that, I really don't know..."

Brenda was shocked. She hadn't expected him, to just pick up and leave like this. Was it her fault for not getting back with him the night of the prom? As painful as losing him had been, she couldn't picture what it would be like to know he wasn't even around in the same vicinity as her anymore. Even though they hadn't been together in a while, just knowing he was also in Beverly Hills had been some sort of comfort and solace through her grief.

She tried to search for words, anything, something to make him stay, or some sort of goodbye, but what was there? It had all come down to this moment. A moment that was slipping through her hands like the blades of grass they were standing on.

Dylan stepped forward now, and picked up her hand, holding it in his, then gently he pushed her bangs away, and touched his lips to her forehead. "Goodbye Brenda..." he said achingly.

Brenda knew the tears were flowing down now fast, and free. She looked at him blurrily. "Dylan..."

Dylan didn't answer, instead, with a squeeze, he dropped her hand, and started to back away. Then he turned around, and with a slow stride in his step, he began to walk away as his graduation gown trailed with the wind behind him.

"Goodbye Dylan..." Brenda whispered knowing he couldn't and would never hear it.

She watched as Dylan turned his back to her, and like a ghost, he seemed to be disappearing before her eyes. The wind picked up, and a chill blew through her, freezing her to the bone, as Dylan McKay walked out of her life.

 _Author's note:_ _Wahhhhhhhh! Dylan don't go! Sorry, got kind of caught up there and sniffling a bit through the writing. Well people, thank you for sticking with me if you just read this. Coming up next is the big finale. Will Dylan stay or go? What's next for Brenda? Please read on for the epic finale of Love and Lust! The final chapter coming soon!_


	18. The Religion

**The Religion**

"I'm alive!" Maggie The Cat is alive!" Brenda clutched her hand to her chest as she cried out the words into the empty theater hall. They bounced off the walls with an echo, almost like the walls themselves were talking back to her.

She looked out at the empty theater, knowing that the seats would soon be filled and that the words wouldn't fall on deaf ears.

Brenda was playing the lead role of Maggie the Cat in a summer production of _Cat on a Hot Tin Roof_ at Geffen Playhouse in Hollywood. It was a huge break for her, and she'd battled a lot of amazing actresses to get the part, but in the end, the famous director Rory Randolph had chosen her. He said there was a certain _desperation and fire_ in her. It was a passion he didn't quite feel from the others. Brenda knew where that desperation and passion came from. She'd lived it. She was living it now. The desperation and passion were old friends of hers, that still choked her at night, and clung to her insides. She knew who had put them there.

 _He_ was still gone. Since that day at graduation, she hadn't seen or heard anything from Dylan. None of the gang had. He'd simply picked up and left it all behind. He'd left her behind. His house hadn't been sold or anything, it was just sitting there empty, and haunted, taunting her every time she passed it.

If Dylan being with Kelly had broken her soul, Dylan being gone had ripped it out completely. Walking through her life not knowing where he was or what had even happened to him had all but destroyed her. She so badly wanted to numb herself, but instead of turning to pills this time she threw herself into her acting. If she didn't have acting she didn't know what might happen. Life would be an unbearable burden of misery. Acting, was her lifeline, it was the only thing that made her feel alive, the only thing that could take her away completely from the pain of reality.

Playing a role was an escape, and getting to act out all the emotion trapped inside of her was a godsend, a release she would forever be grateful for. There was nothing else in life she wanted to do. Acting was for her, and she threw herself into it mind, body, and what was left of her soul.

She paced back and forth now on the wooden stage, feeling an almost breeze floating through her white silk negligee, It was her Maggie costume, and it clung to her, and dipped in all the right places, but the theater felt cold, against the lightweight material. It was lonely seeing the empty seats, but it just gave her more inspiration to practice. Opening night wasn't until the weekend, and she would make sure she had things down pat. She'd asked Rory if it would be okay for her to come in and practice off hours without the rest of the cast, and he'd agreed, and let her have a key to let herself in.

As lonely as it felt, rehearsing by herself was a type of therapy. To any other person she would have looked like a madwoman, but having an empty room to let it all out in, suited her just fine.

She could hear the hum of traffic reminding her that the world was still going on outside. Brenda thought of the gang and about the lives they were all leading now.

Brandon had been accepted into California University, and he was there with Kelly. They were still dating and getting pretty serious. Kelly was at the Walsh house a lot now and even had dinner with them some nights. There was no avoiding her. As much as their past still hurt, Brenda felt she had let a lot of the anger go. The opposite of that anger was indifference. What was the point of holding onto the grudge anymore? Dylan had left town anyway. She and Kelly weren't close friends at the moment, but they were civil.

Brandon and Kelly were even talking about maybe moving in together. Kelly was actually living at the beach with Donna and David, who were also attending CU and still very much together. Steve was going to CU too, but he and Andrea were broken up right now. Andrea had decided to accept her scholarship to Yale. She had wanted to stay in town and go to school with the gang, but they wouldn't let her. It was Yale after all, and Steve especially wouldn't let her throw that away for him. Steve was ready to party, and be a frat boy, and wanted Andrea to follow her life's dream of the Ivy League. After they graduated they would see where their lives were at, and maybe try again.

Brenda also wasn't attending CU. After finishing up her high school credits this summer, she decided the only thing that could bring her life after Dylan, was getting serious about acting. All summer long, she had been auditioning and it had led her to Maggie the Cat thankfully. It was a role she felt born to play, and she hoped with the newfound experience on her resume, maybe she could audition for some performing arts colleges later on. She dreamed about New York, and London a lot. The theater was calling like a burning fire inside of her, and she needed to be where the action was.

She paused at the side of the stage. "Tip of the tongue, the teeth, and lips. Tip of the tongue the teeth, and lips..." she repeated to herself. It was a type of voice warm up. She started saying the lines out loud and was so caught up in it, she was startled to hear another voice also on the stage with her.

"Miss Maggie..."

Brenda turned to the other side of her, and standing there like something out of a dream from another dimension was Dylan!

Brenda had to adjust her eyes, and catch her breath it just didn't seem real. They stood far across from each other staring hard.

"Dylan..." she said in disbelief wondering if it really _was_ a dream, and worried she might wake up at any moment. Her knees shook, feeling like she might faint.

"Hey Bren...," Dylan said quietly. There was an uneasy hesitation in his voice as well.

"What are you doing? _How did you get in here?_ " Brenda asked bewildered, as she crossed her arms almost defensively. Dylan looked world-weary, and so bitterly handsome. He was here, all the flesh and bones of him. She could feel her heart beating manically against the silk of her slip dress at the sight of him, as well as in other areas. She wondered if Dylan could hear it too, all the way across the stage.

"Brandon told me you'd be here. I went to your house." Dylan clutched at the end of his shirt. His eyes, traveling to the floor, and then back to her.

Brenda exhaled, but then took a deep breath again. " _Where have you been? Where did you go?"_

"I've been in Europe, all over really... I was in Paris before I came back here..."

" _Paris,_ " Brenda said the word to herself, almost like she had never been there herself, but it sounded foreign coming out of the mouth of the guy she never thought she'd see again.

"Yeah, Paris...but there was something about strolling down the _Champs- Elysees_ , and staring at the _Mona Lisa_ that didn't feel right...without you."

Brenda's breath left her again, and she couldn't find the words. She stared into his eyes, wondering if Dylan McKay really _was_ standing here on the stage with her. Her hot blood ran through her veins, almost like it had started pumping through her system again for the first time in ages. She shook her head to herself not believing any of this.

"Congrats on the play...and all," Dylan said smiling as he eyed her up and down admiringly.

Brenda couldn't bring herself to say thank you. "How could you just leave like that Dylan? _How?_ " The words came out unexpectedly and angry.

Dylan swallowed hard. She could hear his breathing from across the stage. He didn't speak for a moment, he just shook his head. "I just had to go... but it wasn't the right place for me."

That really didn't answer anything, but maybe it did. Sometimes there weren't answers that would make sense.

"Where do you _want_ to go?" Brenda asked him needing to know.

Dylan shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know...somewhere warm...with bright lights and a big stage. What about you?" He looked into her eyes deeply.

Brenda hesitated a moment before filling the silence between them. "I guess if I could say anywhere, I'd say somewhere with sandy beaches and a deep ocean." She gazed at him.

Dylan didn't respond, but it was almost like the ground was pulsing beneath them. Like the stage had a heartbeat of its own.

"So how was she...?" Brenda finally spoke her voice more even, as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear before folding her arms again.

"Who?" Dylan asked, unsure what she meant.

"Mona Lisa," Brenda replied.

Dylan's eyes pleaded to her before answering. "She didn't hold a candle to you," he said firmly.

Brenda was taken back, by his reply, and she had to steady herself, as he suddenly started walking towards her slowly.

Her arms unfolded as he reached her now, and she could feel his hands move to the soft silk of her hips gently holding onto her slip. His thumbs clutched against the slippery fabric. "Forgive me Bren, please...for all of it," he begged into her eyes, as he spoke with his voice pained, breaking, and desperate.

Brenda's chest heaved at the proximity of him, her breath was almost like gasps now.

Dylan began to lower his body against hers until he was on his knees. He wrapped his arms around her waist as he positioned himself below her. He clung his head against her stomach pleading with her now down on his knees.

Brenda's arms hung beside her, not touching him, not knowing what to do, and then she just closed her eyes.

She could see herself now, far away from here. She was back in the innocent days of Minneapolis. Long before palm trees, and peach pie, and the halls of West Beverly. It was just her, sitting in a church pew next to her brother. She was at church with her family, and the pastor was talking to them. He was lecturing them about the power of forgiveness, and how one day she would have to reach deep down into her soul, to find the will to forgive. She had never really understood what it had all meant until now. What it meant to let yourself fall, and not know if you'd be caught.

Without speaking she inhaled, and pulled her straps from each shoulder, as she lowered herself slowly to meet him, looking into his eyes. Her lips greeted his, like they had never left, and like the first time all over again. With her slip bunched around her waist, Dylan's mouth sent searing, sinful, pleasure through her skin, as it moved against her body. Her legs tangled around him, as he roamed underneath her. God, she had missed his hot touch. The closeness of him, was like falling underwater, drowning deep into a warm sea.

With her hands clutched at his sideburns, and his head against her chest, their bodies began to move in full against each other like a powerful tsunami crushing the Earth. As the first wave consumed her, shaking her, Brenda threw her head back, and her eyes fluttered open, to see the stage lights above, shining down like a halo.

It was a funny thing, their love, and lust. It had the power to destroy, but also the power to save. It was a wicked game indeed.

 **The End**

 _This story is dedicated to the loving memory of Coy Luther Perry lll otherwise known as the great Luke Perry. As we all know, it was a horrible, horrible day when we lost Luke. I'm still grieving, and I wondered how I could possibly finish this story, but I know that the writing is how we keep him alive. Without Luke's soulful performance as Dylan through the years, I would not have had the inspiration to write this story which helped me in so many ways, so for that, I will be eternally thankful to him. I'm so incredibly sad he's gone, but so grateful he gave us all he did._

 _I'm doing another story, so I hope you guys will keep reading, and I can't thank you all enough for clicking on this one, and for the reviews, which really kept me going during some really tough moments. Stay tuned for the next one..._

 _Dylan will live on..., and so will Luke. We know he's up there somewhere surfing the clouds in heaven..._


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